There are so many bad words we use and feelings we experience during divorce that impact our decisions and life after divorce. I offer you my list of dirty divorce words and ideas:
Anger – it’s a feeling – a place we get stuck – and a reason we use to act from emotion instead of responding with care.
Betrayal – Whether we feel betrayed because he was cheating before the divorce – or we betrayed him and stepped out on the marriage, OR even after the divorce we continue to find out lies that occurred during the marriage or continue afterward, betrayal is a dirty word.
Conflict – We divorce thinking it will end the END THE CONFLICTand then wake up the next day and find ourselves co-parenting and trying to abide by a contract we made during the most emotional or emotionally checked out state of our lives. Conflict only ends if we change our reactions to it.
Divorce – Although we hear how “common” divorce is, it’s a dirty word. In some states, we’ve removed the word “divorce” from the law and now refer to it as “Dissolution of Marriage” as if dissolving or closing your marriage is so much better.
Exceptions – I am amazed how much clients will pay me to negotiate their separation agreement and parenting plan and then one of the parties will try and carve out exceptions to the agreements made. Exceptions can lead to more litigation.
Fighting – Stop! You can’t change him or the situation. Walk away like you decided to do when you divorced. Fighting doesn’t help you and it will hurt your kids and ruin you emotionally faster than anything. If you are truly in imminent danger than involve the courts or the authorities but do not engage.
Greed – Whether it’s money, time, or emotional greed it absolutely consumes some people. Learn to know the difference between what you want and what you need. Don’t be consumed with getting as much as you possibly can or ruining him.
Hate – Some hate themselves for getting divorced; some hate the one they are divorcing; some hate their new life or still hate their former life. Hate is a wasted emotion – the only one it hurts is you.
Ignorance – I throw this term in here because people going through divorce seem to accept their own perceptions of any situation as fact. This is just ignorant.
Jump – Some jump to conclusions, some jump to react to situations or conflict, and others jump into the next relationship. Be still my friend. We aren’t frogs!
Knock Out – These dirty words handle the “K” and the “O” of our alphabet. Knock Out is a sick mentality that some bring to the divorce not caring who gets hurt, how much it costs, or the consequence of any emotional, terrible decision that is made with this mindset.
Loneliness – Learning to be alone is difficult. Don’t be afraid. There is an amazing you inside that you need to dig deep and find. When is the last time you did exactly what you wanted to do or didn’t have to think about anyone else? Realize as soon as you possibly can that to be alone and being lonely are two completely different feelings.
Me – The “ME” mentality interferes with so many settlement agreements or a person’s ability to move forward. There are lives affected with divorce other than you; there is him, the kids, mutual friends – even dogs. Get out of yourself once in awhile and try to empathize with the others involved.
No – Don’t tell your kids “NO” they can’t see dad if it isn’t his time and they really want to see him. Don’t say “NO” when he offers to help. Don’t say “NO” anytime there is a benefit for you involved.
OK – avoid the knock out mentality people.
Paranoia – This may be the scariest dirty word on the list. People get so paranoid during divorce that someone is hiding money or trying to keep the kids away or plotting to ruin their lives in a million ways.Stay out of the swamp of speculation. Deal with the reality that you know.
Questions – Parents get so bad about asking their children questions about the other parent. What did you do? What did you eat? What time did you go to bed? Who was there? Stop it! You are divorced. Your kids hate the questions.
Reaction – I’ve seen 1 text message turn into 30 pages printed of texts that no one would ever want the court to see. We are all guilty of reacting poorly and too emotionally. Give yourself at least a 5 – minute hold on any responses and watch the difference in your reaction.
Selfishness – not too different from the “Me” above, but still a dirty word in divorce.
Text messaging – Divorce has taken this should be convenient form of communication to an extreme. If either of you starts a text message war, stop and either agree to have a phone call, move it to a civil E-mail or actually meet in person to discuss. I cannot convey how many times text messages have got parties in trouble with judges and parenting time evaluators. Don’t do it.
Ugly – Things I would say, stuff I did, not to mention that gut-wrenching feeling of ending the marriage were all ugly.
Vicious – This dirty word appears in things we say to the other person or things we do to hurt them either aggressively or passively. Find your higher self and avoid being vicious through the divorce and don’t try to go tit for tat if he is vicious. Divorce is already hard enough.
Waste – People waste money and time fighting about the marriage instead of fixing the divorce. Don’t waste money on the lawyer to fight about the parenting plan when there are counselors better able to assist with the parenting plan best for your family. Don’t waste time or resources fighting over money that is no longer available. Don’t waste one more minute than absolutely necessary getting divorced.
X – its own word – I can’t stand the word “X” My X, her X. Seriously? “My children’s father” is quite nice; “My former husband” a little more formal. What about his name? Just call him by his name.
Yapping – We all need to vent about the divorce or the crap we have to deal with in the “after-life.” Do not make bad-mouthing him or your divorce all anyone ever hears about you. Let the divorce die and be done.
Zip – Sure, until today this was not a dirty word. I’ve decided all moms should replace all of the dirty words we do use with “zip.” “Zip It!” – instead of Damn it or F it! Mother Zipper, instead of you know what; Zip-off- my favorite. If anything, maybe just saying “zip it” so much will help us shut our mouth.
There are ways to separate successfully. Stay out of the dirt.
I would change the “v” to visitation. Uncles and grandparents visit. Even if it is the court ordered minimum or is supervised, call it “parenting time”.
The X (ex) comment is great. Much better to describe your ex by their relationship to your child. First name is OK for people who know your ex, but shouldn’t be used with your kids. It chips away at their role. “Your mom/dad will be here in ten minutes” is much better than “Suzi/Tom will be here in ten minutes”, especially if you have a new paramour in the house who might spend more time with the child than the other parent.