How do you define a sexless marriage? Are you living in one, or do you think you are?
In 2003, Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage. I recently read that an estimated 15% of marriages become sexless, and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm for some couples.
I have to wonder, though, is it really the “norm” for couples or is one spouse limiting intimate interaction due to their own lack of interest in sex or for some other reason? When one spouse conforms to the sexual standards of the other spouse and the marriage becomes sexless, can it still be called a marriage?
In most situations, the sexual satisfaction in marriage is a measure of the entire relationship. If a once satisfying sex life becomes one in which sex is infrequent or absent, then more than likely there are other aspects of the relationship that a spouse is finding unsatisfying.
But what if the marriage is sexless from the beginning?
I can say this from experience; it is hard to feel as if you are in the throes of conjugal bliss if you’re living with someone who feels like a roommate or friend… a friend without benefits!
My ex was everything to me; he was generous, helpful, grateful, respectful, tender and attentive — and not in the least bit interested in sex with me or anyone else. As he explained to me several years after we married, “I’ve just never seen what the big deal is about sex.” He failed to share this before marriage.
While dating, we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or pretended to be. I know now that this was a special talent of his, making something that is not the case appear true.
His interest in sex came to an end the night we married. We didn’t have sex that night and averaged sex every four to six weeks from then on. Being the problem solver that I am, I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.
And like some who experience sexual rejection after marriage, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex. I internalized his asexuality and made it all about me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn’t care for sex in general. It was me, my fault. If only I were more sexual, thinner, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually, then he would come around.
I read a lot of books and magazine articles meant to help those who were less than satisfied with the level of sex in their marriage. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which I marvel at now. They seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of a loving spouse who has already done all she can to earn sexual attention from someone who simply isn’t interested.
Besides, becoming an amateur porn star for my own husband didn’t improve things, and only made me feel worse about myself.
Finally, in our 11th year of marriage, I insisted my husband see a urologist. It was time for him, in my opinion, to become a party to fixing the problem. After tests and blood work, we were told that he had an extremely low testosterone level. I was relieved; we had an answer to the problem, and we could fix it. Or so I thought.
One afternoon, he came in from his third appointment with the urologist. I was sitting in bed reading when I heard him coming up the stairs. He stopped at the bed, pulled a bottle of pills out of his pocket, opened the top drawer of my nightstand and said to me, “This is a bottle of Viagra; from now on when you want sex, all you have to do is ask for it.” He dropped the bottle in the drawer and kicked it closed with his foot.
I knew at that moment that my marriage was over. It took another 18 months before a divorce was filed but it was inevitable. I never asked him for sex again and I stopped taking responsibility for a problem only he could fix.
Although I can’t tell anyone who has found themselves in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest they not do as I did. Don’t turn yourself inside out trying to fix something you didn’t cause.
The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy due to the asexuality of a spouse can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn’t want to “make love”.
What did I learn from my sexless marriage?
It wasn’t about me. The focus should have been on him and his attitudes about sex from the beginning, not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me, he just didn’t want sex.
My story of a sexless marriage may not be yours. But if it is, whether you are a man or woman being denied sexual contact by your spouse on a regular basis, here is your take-away: If you are a kind, considerate and loving spouse, you are desirable, not in need of change, not doing anything wrong, and most importantly, can’t fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.
Hi Cathy! I don’t know if you’ll remember me, but I left a few comments on a post from last year under the topic of Sexless Marriage. I posted under the name of Butterfly and you and Lisa had replied to my comments. I wanted to give you an update.
Last April I commented about possibly leaving my sexless marriage. I was on the brink of divorce after almost 20 years of marriage. He was not interested in sex at all. We had sex 8 times in first 10 years of marriage and he hated it each time. When you live a sexless marriage, you also live without emotional intimacy as well. You exist as roommates. He was content with this and told me so. I was not. I fell into a deeper depression and the stress affected me physically … my hair was falling out and bladder issues, etc that were due to the stress of living a lie.
Fast forward to a year later … I am happily divorced and moved across the country and have started a new life. I am happier than I have ever been and I am in a committed and loving relationship now. I’m in love and the sex is wonderful and often.
I made a choice to save myself and it has paid off in spades. It’s amazing how when you make a decision this big and right, how much the universe conspires to support you in that decision.
It wasn’t easy and I went through a grieving process during and a while after the divorce — even though it was not a good marriage.
Make the jump and your wings will magically appear.
WOW!! What a happy update. I’m so glad you took the path you did and that all has turned out well. You’re right, it isn’t easy but courage normally pays off in spades. I do remember you and so appreciate the update. All the best to you in your new life, Dawn. I’m proud of you and proud for you!
Thank you so much, Cathy. I’m happy that I took the path I did too. Right after the divorce, my health problems cleared up. Amazing, eh?
Yes, I agree 100% that it’s not easy but that that courage does pay off in spades.
Your article helped me, along with a few others. Also, your’s and Lisa’s feedback last year.
I’m pround of me too.
Thank you for writing your article and sharing it. I hope it will it give others ( both women and men ) the courage to move forward from their sexless marriages one day. There’s a whole other life out there once you move forward and it’s worth living.
I felt like your story was about my ENTIRE first marriage! Over 20 years i tried everything… i thought i was unattractive, mom body, etc… even encouraged the pill, but to no avail. We had a sexless marriage. Then when i cornered him and asked what more I needed to do to change that, i find out he just didnt love me anymore. That he refused to communicate with me. So i went to work the next day focused on finalizing a divorce. That decision was sealed when i arrived at work to bw asked how long we had been divorced because my soon to be ex had been seen with the safety secretary from his job… someone he had been talking to !! She with her 5 kids and 8 marriages under her belt was his communication confident. So i drove him to the courthouse and divorced him. Best decision ever! Their relationship ended abuptly when they both decided to use MY checking account information to buy their Christmas gifts online. I guess charges from the police will do that to a relationship lol. Now my ex is in a relationship with his own cousin… gross right?
I on the other hand am happily remarried and our sex life is amazing! We both communicate and are sympathetic to each others expectations, wants and needs.
Marriage isn’t all about sex, but when one spouse wants that compassion, that romantic moment, the elation….. and the other is completely against it. Look at all the factors… health, infidelity, etc. A sexless marriage is not a healthy marriage unless you are 80 and older!
“In most situations, the sexual satisfaction in marriage is a measure of the entire relationship.” truer words were never spoken.
no matter how much you argue, if you can drop all that friction and eagerly jump into sexy time together, everything else can be worked out. and if you’re with someone who withholds and denies sex with you, it doesn’t matter how much you seem to get along or work well together otherwise – your relationship is just one of convenience and can collapse at any moment.
there’s a reason why the old euphemism for sex is “the marital act.” there’s a reason why, even before no-fault divorce became the new normal, “withholding affections” and “denial of the comforts of marriage” were grounds for divorce. sex is the glue that fills in any stress fractures and holds people together when other forces would destroy them.
it is every married person’s responsibility to keep her or her spouse sexually satisfied. if you cannot or will not, then will seek and find satisfaction elsewhere. they might or might not tell you, or separate from you, first, but one way or another they will find satisfaction.
if you are married, regardless of your or your spouse’s gender, the two of you should have sex together whenever at least one of you wants to and it is not logistically or physically impossible to arrange. if you cannot commit to doing this for your spouse’s happiness, then you should not be married.
The problem is I don’t believe that any woman can have a consistent sex drive. I’ve read too many studies and talked to too many people.
I stay single, I find other things to do. I miss sex, but it’s just too risky – and 15 years out it doesn’t seem to matter so much any more.