The narcissistic co-parent, if given enough rope will hang himself.
Pathological lying is the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist. They lie out of their need to manipulate and control. The narcissist lies by making things up and by leaving things out – and he does it all in amazing detail. Some believe the narcissist lies because he believes the lie, but I disagree. I think that a narcissist lies all the time because it’s an easy way to devastate the recipient and because lying allows the narcissist/sociopath to recreate himself at will and on a whim.
Thus, creating an environment where he can always be giving himself props for getting away with something. To a narcissist, lying is just like faking emotions. A means to an end.
He’ll lie so much about so many things that your head will spin.
Victims who want and or need the torture to stop but still must deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved?
You can’t.
How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissistic co-parent talks bad about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself because you no longer live there and are not present in these situations? It is abusive to children to put them through this with any parent and it will end up doing damage to them in the long run if not immediately dealt with.
Because the narcissist co-parent is not a normal human, he or she is going to use the children as a tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone.
Since the narcissist has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing and for them the easiest way to hurt you. As they know the children mean the most to you, not to them, unfortunately. The narcissist will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even threaten you either with a call to child protective services or by saying that he simply won’t be bringing them back.
And this is how far my husband was willing to play our children against me throughout our marriage, to the max during our long drawn out divorce and throughout the child custody battle, one in which he was not willing to lose.
Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the narcissistic co-parent to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all day long if he or she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just won’t be able to help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he is, and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.
I did not see my own mother for the narcissist she is until I was almost forty and having completely severed all ties with the non-narcissistic parent for years if not most of my life. I did not want this to be the case for my children. I would not allow this abuse to hurt them the way it did me my entire life.
FAQs About Narcissistic Co-Parents:
What is the hallmark characteristic of a narcissist?
The hallmark characteristic of a narcissist is pathological lying. A narcissist lies because he needs to control and manipulate people close to him. A narcissist will weave a web of lies and deception around his victims to continue feeding on them.
Why do narcissists lie?
Narcissists lie to create situations where they can manipulate people around them, and recreate their own reality to suit their needs.
What really bothers me about this article is whilst there are a lot of great points made, why is the opening paragraph and even opening words refer to the male species when the word narcissism is used?
In a world where generally the mother has more “rights” over the father depending of course on state, county, province or whatever and society gives women this maternal nurturing angle over men, why is it assumed that narcissists are generally men?
I live in the UK where the laws had changed (thank goodness) that if an unmarried single father’s (which I am one out of thousands) name is on the child’s birth certificate then the father has “parental responsibility”. The right to visitation, access to their child. Yet I have very little communication with my ex, not because I haven’t tried or continuing to try but because she is desperately trying to erase me from our daughters life who is not old enough to make decisions for herself. The real reason? Because I didn’t marry her at the exact time she wanted me to.
Visitation was witheld and there was nothing I could do because it cannot be classified as kidnapping if the child is with some one who has parental responsibility. I have not wanted to cause any upset or bad feeling for my daughters sake (also my ex has a son from a previous relationship and she has an injunction out against his father who hasn’t seen his son in nearly 10 years) so I messaged every single day until we finally saw a mediator nearly 3 weeks later, without a single reply to a daily message to ask just how my daughter is. In mediation I was accused of harrassment because of this. Nothing more nothing less than the words “how is she today” was what I had asked.
I have had to write to the local doctors because she would not tell me about her health or appointments , the school and even the dentist to make sure she doesn’t miss an appointment .
Narcissists are Men AND Women. And in the very situation of a seperation or a divorce, by first hand experience can say that arguably it is much more prevalent for the mum, ex wife, ex girlfriend to have greater narcisstic tendencies dependent upon the circumstances of the situation arising in the first place.
It isn’t an assumption, men are more narcissistic. A new large-scale analysis of 355 previously published studies examined three decades worth of research involving more than 475,000 study participants. The researchers found that statistically men scored higher on personality tests for narcissism than women in every age group. Also, this is a women’s website. Articles here are about women, divorce and the issues they face during divorce. Did you come here expecting to find an article about narcissistic mothers, seriously? If you want information on narcissistic mothers find a men’s website that deals with such things.
Where are your facts? I
I agree! In my case, equal parental rights are laughable because narcissistic fathers are not willing to be as responsible as mothers are required to be. I would assume anybody who is actually a responsible parent / father would not be offended by this article and have common sense that it doesn’t apply to them or ‘him’.
Even though I agree with what this person commenting says that narcissists are BOTH genders, the unfortunate fact is that society and one would argue “evolutionary psychology theory” allow men — yes it is the majority whether we like it or not — to get away with behaving badly. Whether it’s neglecting the children by “dumping” them to their mother (grandmother) or not paying child support, etc. power and abuse happen, but men have the upper hand on this one almost exclusively according to all statistics worldwide, and women carry the burden of child care and potential victimization. This is why we need to create programs on raising high EQ children to healthy men and women who can manage anger and empathize with the “other”.
We live in a patriarchal society filled with middle aged and older men whining about gender biases. They are always the victim of some women! Thank goodness they are dying off. And, thank goodness mothers are raising their boys to become more self-aware and less self-focused.
Actually if you notice there are more and more young men who are Going their own way and not getting married. Men have everything to lose and nothing to gain from marriage in this society.
I am going through a nasty divorce with a Narcissist and I can 100% Argue that these days its not men who have everything to lose and nothing to gain. Ask my hopefully soon to be Ex… I know that Narcissism is both Men and Woman but what an absurd comment to say that men have everything to lose. I’d say its whoever is more successful and who wants to take advantage of that.
I concur! Although they are not dying off fast enough before causing more emotional damage in children being forced into cohabitation with narcissistic parents. This patriarchal society is because they are truly afraid of women and they try to keep women bound so they can keep up appearances they are the stronger species. I do, however, believe that women and men were both put on this earth to work together to serve a higher purpose. However so many broken and weak people spend more energy to ruin that idea.
I have been legally separated for almost 3 years, divorce pending. My Narc Ex, managed to throw so many wrenches in the works, through drama, lies, and manipulation. We have an Order of Protection , we have blocked all communication, the kids are old enough legally that they are not forced to see him. Except my 11 year old, who was seeing him twice a month for an hour at McDonald’s, and her 17 year old sister, who chaperones her so he couldn’t manipulate. Well, after failing at making visits enjoyable, and tired of his daughter’s negative attitude towards him, he stopped showing up. Up until January he was paying some child support, but would play games with the checks, not signing them, not addressing them correctly, etc. As of February, checks no longer arrive. After numerous requests to my lawyer, he claims to be filing a motion to take it directly from his payroll check. My lawyer is obviously tired, and had no previous dealings with someone of this caliber. It’s ridiculous how we are still victimized by him.
Change the laws to protect the children…….they are used …. long court battles. Narc sociopathic liar bleeds you dry, tortures the kids and walks away. Injustice!
What an incredible article! Thank you so much. I could relate to it all. So much in fact, I wish you were someone I could communicate with.. it’s so refreshing to hear what someone else has experienced when you think you are the only one.
Mandy, try reaching out to single mum groups in your area. There are many in Facebook. I think there’s quite a proportion of failed families/marriages for these sorts of reasons.
Great article you wrote! We have similar life’s. I too divorced a diagnosed narcissist, it took 5 years to divorce him. I’m 40 and I’ve seen the devil himself. I’m free now but I still feel trapped trying to Coparent with a monster. Time is a healer. And I’m happy you are free. Be good to yourself and forgive yourself for everything or nothing. I too have 2 daughters best thing I could teach them is self love ❤️
I am divorced from a narcissist who with the help of his family torchured and continusly criticised me through the whole of my marriage, divorce and still do now !!? .. I have 3 children to him and his mother said at the start of our divorce she would make sure I loose everything including my children ( my ex husband had a very public affair with my work colleague!! That’s why we were divorceing , even though I had wanted to leave him for years I was scared of what he and his family would do!! They have lived up to my worst fears and more !!)
My eldest daughter was first to go and live with her father and granny !!! I haven’t had any contact with her in 7 years and when I try her aunts and granny escort her to the Police Station to make a complaint about me !! At 12 years old she emailed the Police and Social Services again guided by her granny and aunts!! Next to go was my youngest my son at age 9 before we were due to go on holiday his father took him through the window of my home and called the Police to say I was abusing him !??? My eldest daughter then informed the Police I used to beat her too??!! … the lies !!! … I was bailed for three months while investigated and then realised from bail as no evidence to support the claims! My middle daughter stayed with me and always dismissed claims made by others !! She can see the lies and has been subjected to abuse from my ex husbands family !! She is suffering terribly as she wants a relationship with everyone and her siblings but is NOT allowed unless she doesn’t see me anymore which she refuses too do !? … thank god as I adore her and my other children that I grieve for everyday !! There heads have been filled with a false history backed by my ex husbands family!!! I can’t defend myself and my son and daughter have cut contact from my family their grandad and uncles.
What kind of people and family would do this to children and continue the abuse for years !! All I want is to be a mother to my children and do my best but I’m not allowed. My ex husband has told me he doesn’t want me in the children’s lives ever!!! To the point he has cut of our middle child as she continues to be close to me!!
The family court just listened to lies, Cafcass listened to lies , the Police listen to lies that are not factual and lack evidence.. my life is torture now without my kids but my daughter and I keep each other strong hoping one day the other two children will realise but I’m not sure they will sadly .
Thank you, how have things been for you. Sadly my Narcissist ex husband just filed with the courts a second suit this year, the last one filed in July a couple months ago to further restrict and of limit the Mother’s aka my visitation with my two daughters. I asked him if he truly thought that was best and without any hesitation he replied firmly yes which left me feeling very lost as I did not recognize the man that stood before before me that I had once been married to long ago. Faced now with another frivolous suit affecting the child parent relationship I can’t help but wonder that any good father would want the mother of his children to be a strong presence in a young girls life and need the mother to handle certain situations along the way that only a mother could do for her daughter and should. So why does my ex husband think it is in their best interests for our daughters that I am no longer needed or wanted in their lives as a mother, role model, teacher and protector – and how does my ex husband continue to justify these claims before the judge and court of law – and walk away unscathed.
I wouldn’t trust my own life with this man which is why i am still fighting, and die trying to protect my daughters from living the same hell in life that I did. He claims that they are not safe with me mandating constant supervised visitation with me at all times when I am an art teacher who teaches children mostly ages 3-12 and sometimes adults educationally crafted art lessons/classes. Such false claims my Narcissistic ex husband alleges about me which usually consist of the most outrageous and unbelievable nonsensical things one could make up about another human being they have at times been comical when reading through these many suits he has now filed pending the most recent suit to which I need answers to very soon, so any advise, hope or answers please send my way. Thank you
B