Question:
My heart is broken! My divorce was long and litigious. My ex did everything in his power to gain full custody of our two children. We eventually had to go through a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation and it was determined that he suffers from a personality disorder that keeps him from being able to think of anyone’s interest but his own. Due to this he was given limited visitation with the children but that hasn’t kept him from trying to do harm to me.
My son, our eldest, is 14, and thinks his dad walks on water. The problem is, lately my son has no problem openly expressing contempt and hatred for me. I’m getting the same treatment from my son that I used to get from his father during the marriage. I feel as if I’ve jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire. And I’m highly concerned for my son’s mental health. I don’t want him to become the man his father is. Do you have any suggestions for how I can help my son and get our relationship back on track?
Answer:
Although this may seem counterintuitive, the problem is really between your son and your ex-husband. You have been triangulated – pulled into their conflict – so that they can deflect their anger onto you instead of each other. Your concern for your son’s mental health is completely understandable, but the best thing you can do for him is to get yourself out of the triangle.
In tact or divorced, a family is a system that maintains a particular homeostasis, or balance. The homeostasis remains the same when each person acts in the way he or she is used to acting. For your ex, and your son, this means hurling contempt, anger, and blame your way.
You need to figure out your contribution to the homeostasis. Are you defensive? Passive? Do you try to reason with two people who are incapable of being reasonable? Do they see you becoming upset? What are they doing to pull you into the conflict and, more important, what are you doing to stay there?
Once you pinpoint your default responses, try to change them. This is the best strategy to shake up the status quo. You can’t get your ex and your son to change, but you can change what you do.
Does your ex phone, e-mail and text you multiple times a day demanding you do certain things for your son? If so, take yourself out of the line of communication by telling him to direct questions to your son.
Do you take the conventional wisdom “high road” by refusing to address lies your ex is feeding your son about you? If so, it may be time to sit your son down and calmly tell him your side of the story. Explain to him that if he has concerns about your intentions or actions, he needs to come to you, and not his dad, in order to work things out. Try to do this calmly, without an emotional charge in your voice or body language; this will show your son that speaking your truth does not involve slamming his dad.
The more you can keep yourself from being targeted by your ex and son, the more likely it is that the two of them will have to deal with the issues between them. Once your son begins to realize that his dad is using him as a pawn to get back at you, he may realize you’re not so bad after all and he – and your relationship – will start to heal.
“You need to figure out your contribution to the homeostasis”
I think most of us fail to realize that, without intention we play a roll in what is happening. That was the biggest hurtle in my situation. Identifying how I was playing into the triangulation and changing what needed to be changed about the way I reacted. Great advice Virginia!
Thanks, Cathy! It does take a long time to figure out, but once you do, you can start the vital process of becoming emotionally divorced instead of just legally divorced.
Here is an article by a family law court judge, Michele Lowrance, for Divorce Magazine on parental alienation and what you can do. While parts of it is about how to handle it in court, which may not apply to you, but her very last paragraph offers a very good piece of advice. I hope it helps to keep us centered.
My children were actually alienated from me during the divorce. “Doing something” about it was not a workable solution. What has ended up being effective for me is allowing my children to hate me. I let them know I loved them and told them they were free to have whatever opinion of me they wanted. All of them grew out of the hatred as they came to see that I was not the disordered one, their father was. He only allowed feelings he approved of.