As most of you know, narcissism fits in a psychiatric category called Personality Disorders. These folks have a maladaptive style of functioning in the world that can be hurtful to them or to others. Here is an abbreviated view of narcissism (with some minor alterations to make this character type clearer):
• Exaggerated sense of one’s talents and importance
• Fantasies of great romance, great insight or great achievement
• Excessive need for admiration and attention
• Powerful sense of entitlement – can rationalize selfish acts as perfectly normal
• Tendency to use people as objects
• Lacks true empathy; but often can feign empathy quite well
• Easily hurt – and easily injures others (sometimes badly)
• Obsessed with oneself
• Lacks capacity to be self critical
We all have elements of these traits. Some may argue that this list beautifully describes most healthy teenagers! Yet, what if an adult is truly trapped in this personality set? It can spell trouble for them and those who are their wives and children.
However flawed, the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder has real value. You need to know what you are dealing with. And if you are the Narcissist, you will ultimately benefit from understanding why you go from failed relationship to failed relationship – and why you never have enough, despite your looks, money or success.
The hole in your life is on the inside.
Every Narcissist is different. They each have a separate array of the 100 Billion neurons. They each have a different upbringing and they each have the above traits in varying degrees. The last criterion is one that I added, because in my experience, it is most critical. Most Personality Disorders lack the ability to look at themselves critically, as if from the outside. Criticism is too easily seen as an attack, and not a useful insight. Narcissists in this way are primitive psychologically. They just can’t be wrong.
The Narcissist will try to please the therapist with his brilliance, warmth, or charm. He will stake out all the ways he has been let down by others and rationalize everything that he may do that is hurtful. In the world of divorce, for instance, a Narcissist may simply drop the marriage because “the love was not good enough” and then get outraged that his wife won’t just go along with it. After all, “isn’t it better that we both should be happy?”
He fails to see her as a person , and just assumes that she should feel the way he does. Then, he gets angry with her for being upset, avoids any criticism and may go so far as to feel justified in poisoning the kids against their mom. “The kids are better off without her.” Once he cuts bait, how she ends up is not his concern – relationships are ultimately chess pieces to be moved around. The loyalty you sometimes see in a good divorce exists only in his words, not in his deeds.
One scary point: People with NPD can be vicious when frustrated. Divorce regresses them further and sometimes domestic violence is possible. Whether you buy into the NPD diagnosis or not, it is dangerous to be a position of vulnerability with someone who feels justified in hurting you because he or she has lost control. Many women (and some men) can’t get their heads around the fact that someone who once loved them can hurt them (or their kids). Get help if you think this is your problem.
The downside to the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that it can become a cheap catch phrase that you can use whenever you don’t like someone. It makes you feel superior because you have a label for him or her. It may be a sign of your own self importance if you reduce someone to a diagnosis. I buy into that.
So, do Narcissists exist?
In the fluid world of psychiatric nosology, I think the term Narcissist has value.
Here are some lessons that may be helpful:
1. Narcissists are people who are remarkably self-centered to the point of exploitation.
2. A Narcissist may be so entitled that he doesn’t even see himself as hurting others.
3. It is easy to be attracted to a Narcissist. They often possess admirable talents and looks. In my experience, many love romance – but not long term love.
4. If you have a lover, spouse or ex with these traits, just know that you may not count to her as much as you think. Knowing this can help protect you.
5. Yes, he may have loved you. He may be incredibly handsome, a great lover and an interesting person but notice how much of what he has done is self referential. He is far from selfless.
6. When it comes to love, most narcissists are more in love with love than in love with you.
7. Once the relationship is over, your history with him is not that important.
8. Many of these characters have a tough time getting older and good therapy can help them transition to being a better person. Generally, this happens when their beauty, wealth or accomplishments fail to work for them anymore.
9. The mid life crisis of a narcissist can be one of the more satisfying psychotherapies. They need love like everyone else; and better late than never.
10. Narcissists as a group have a powerful sense of urgency. They want a lot out of this life. And some of them make a real contribution to the worlds of acting, academics, religion, politics, science, literature and yes, psychology. Their pain is often internal – as in a relentless lack of satisfaction – and external – as in the debris of many failed relationships.
Narcissism is a useful term, even if it can be misused. It’s good to have words that can help you know what you’re dealing with. And, if you have these traits, knowing the full picture of narcissism may help you wake up to why you’re so chronically demanding – or empty. And, if your lover, friend, parent or spouse is narcissistic, you’ll have a better picture of what’s going on.
Caution: Not every hurtful person is a Narcissist. Sometimes he is just an Asshole. There is a difference.
Bottom Line: People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are problematic people. They miss out on much of the subtle beauty of life.
Just, if you are close to one – protect yourself.
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