I swear if I hear one more guy claim that “women don’t want nice guys” or we all want the “bad boy” I’m going to scream! If I’m not dating you, it’s not because you’re “too nice.” Actually, one of the main reasons I would ever consider meeting you or dating you in the first place is because you ARE nice! So how about you stop using the “I’m just too nice” line as your ongoing whiney excuse to avoid any possible personal growth or to give up on dating altogether? Sheesh.
Please allow me to give a sampling of some actual reasons why you and I may not be dating. These are real, true examples from my own personal experiences. I share these with you in a sincere attempt to offer “food for thought” and perhaps even comfort. Compatibility is very important to me in a relationship. If it’s going to stand the test of time, I believe a couple needs to be compatible in certain ways. Some of the reasons listed below have to do with compatibility specifically with me; some of them, I believe, are truly universal.
Factors that have led me to opt out:
1. You seem uncomfortable in your own skin or seem to lack confidence
2. You’ve said more than once that you “can’t see yourself settling down”
3. Or, alternatively, you and I have just met and you’re already proposing we “settle down”
4. Our politics and/or religious beliefs turned out to be polar opposites
5. There was no “spark” (chemistry)
6. You hardly ever smile
7. Our conversations seem to consistently flatline
8. You do not seem to know how to behave appropriately in public
9. The level and/or frequency of your consumption of alcohol and/or drugs is out of my comfort zone
10. Your style of kissing felt like a dog was licking my face (yes, really)
11. You continually badmouth your ex-spouse or complain about all you “lost” in your divorce
There now, don’t you feel better? You’re welcome. Please continue to be nice. That is a quality that is not always easy to find and it’s much appreciated – especially by others who are also nice.
And, hey – if there’s a “bad boy” persona that all nice guys seem to assume we ladies want, then what about the “bitch girl”? For every man who believes that women don’t want nice guys, I will argue that men don’t want nice girls. Some men claim, with such despair I might add, that there are “no nice women out there.”
Meanwhile, I have witnessed men chasing behind high-maintenance women like puppy dogs, jumping at their every command as if their lives depended on it. They buy them flowers, take them to expensive restaurants and house sit for them. So what’s that all about? Can I only keep your interest if I’m snapping my fingers and barking orders at you? I could use the same whiney line as you and say you must not want me because I’m too nice!
Here are a few “suggestions” that may help you to lure in a good catch. I offer these up to the men AND the women – none of us are perfect or have it all down pat – we can all take a look in the mirror (or into our souls) and find some way to grow or become an even better version of ourselves.
1. Your physical appearance:
Listen – we all have things about our physical bodies that we are less than thrilled about. (Add exclamation points if you’re passed middle age.) Here’s the thing, you don’t have to be perfect. But you can present yourself to the world in a way that shows that you care about who you are. Look in the mirror. When was the last time you had a decent haircut? Have you put on 20 pounds since your divorce? Maybe work on that before it gets out of hand. Not only will you look better, you’ll feel better. And your clothes will fit better. Which brings me to item number 2…
2. Your clothes:
Worn out t-shirts and outdated or ill-fitting jeans or shorts that you’ve had since college may be fine for backyard clean-ups or trips to the dollar store but please don’t go on a date or even on a “meet & greet” dressed like that! And, if you look like you’ve just finished mowing the lawn in your online dating profile, don’t be surprised when you don’t get responses to your winks.
First of all, it looks really bad. But, more than that, in my opinion, it also tells me that you just don’t give a crap. And you don’t even have enough respect for me to put your best foot forward and put on a decent shirt and pair of pants. Not a great first or even second impression. No, you don’t need to wear a cocktail dress or a tux, but for goodness sake look presentable and clean. Make it seem like you made an ounce of effort.
3. Your behavior:
I’ll sum it up in four words: Don’t be an ass. Rude behavior is rude behavior. It’s not impressive or charming. For instance, I personally pay a lot of attention to how my date treats the service staff wherever we are. I find that speaks volumes about a person’s character. Be respectful to others. As the purple dinosaur says, “‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ are the magic words.”
The bottom line is we all want to meet someone “nice” and I prefer to stay strong in my belief that the nice people in the world outnumber the stinky ones. There are, however, other qualities, like that so-called elusive chemistry for instance, that factor into the attraction formula between individuals. So, if you get turned down for that second date you asked for, or if something that felt like it might be turning into a relationship seems to just fizzle out and fade away, don’t immediately declare your “niceness” as the culprit. It most likely isn’t.
Stay nice. Make nice. Be nice.
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