It was a crisp spring day and my new beau and I had just completed a 30-mile loop that entailed biking the length of Manhattan into New Jersey and back. To celebrate accomplishing a longtime goal of biking the George Washington Bridge, we headed to the local pub for a victory drink. I hadn’t even finished my Sam Adams when David started rehashing a story I now knew by heart: his ex-wife’s affair.
With each sip of alcohol, he sunk deeper into despair, reminiscing about the “good old days of his marriage” before his wife stepped out. Put in the uncomfortable position of listening to him vent yet again, I was starting to see the affair as the zipper that scrolls across the bottom of the screen on CNN: an annoying distraction, while at the same time a news flash that signaled this man was no way relationship-ready.
According to an Indiana University study, men and women cheat at the same rate, but the reasons for doing so are entirely different. Men are motivated by sex; whereas for women, it’s emotionally based. They’re looking for the attention, connection and support they’re missing at home.
While a part of me emphasized with David, I also knew his “I-did-nothing-wrong” stance was a bit of an exaggeration and he was omitting critical details. More so, having dated several “David’s” over the years, I knew a man who had been cheated on presents certain challenges that make it difficult to sustain a long-term relationship, specifically:
3 Reasons I Stear Clear Of Men Who’ve Been Cheated On:
1. He bears a psychic wound.
When a wife cheats on her husband, it strikes at the heart of his identity and causes an eruption of emotions that until healed becomes the operating point for all future relationships. Often men will medicate their feelings with alcohol, sex, and destructive behavior, so their anger and sadness are palpable
Many, as David, tried to lean on me like a therapist and were quick to gush with the details of the affair. It was early in our relationship that he blurted during an intimate dinner “My ex-wife cheated me on me!” The urgency of his tone suggested it happened yesterday, when, in fact, it was five years ago. Another man I dated was still venting about his cheating wife 12 years after the divorce papers had been signed.
A part of him wants to prove himself to his ex-wife. Being rejected by someone you love forces the ego into overdrive. If the man doesn’t technically want to win back the ex, he becomes intent of proving himself as the great catch she lost. I’ve seen many men, despite claims of “hating” their ex-wife, go to extremes to placate her demands. For the girlfriend, it’s a no-win situation, as you’re now competing again the woman who rejected him.
2. The man uses the ex’s affair as a justification for not being able to forge an intimate relationship.
One man I dated had countless, brief relationships that all terminated at the three-month mark, while another, a little better, had a five-month limit. Both claimed to want a serious, long-term relationship, yet maintained a revolving door of women with the excuse of “I’m scared” and “My ex-wife messed me up.”
3. He’s in denial that his behavior may have contributed to the wife’s affair.
The renowned psychologist John Gottman, who spent the better part of his career studying couples and marriage, found that there were four negative behaviors that most predict a divorce: criticism of a partner’s personality, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling or emotional withdrawal.
At first glance, the men I dated whose exes cheated seemed to have picture-perfect marriages, fueled largely by the stories they fed of being the guy who cooked the Saturday morning pancakes, worked overtime to pay for braces and coached Little League. It was only later that I saw flashes of men who handled discord by shutting down and prone to the silent treatment and biting comments.
Most surprising, however, is all acknowledged there were problems in their marriage, yet either outright refused or only attended a few therapy sessions. They would have rather, white knuckled the marriage than do the work required to improve the relationship. As one put it, “I wasn’t going to let some ‘quack’ tell me what to do.”
This is not to condone any woman’s extramarital affair, but instead to encourage any divorced man to work through their issues before reentering the dating scene.
A girlfriend, as wonderful as she may appear, can’t solve a man’s problems, nor should she be asked. She, after all, is not a therapist.
FAQs About Men Who Are Cheated On:
Do men cheat more or women?
A study conducted by Indiana university says as many women cheat their partners as men do, but their reasons for doing so are poles apart. Men cheat because they are motivated by sex whereas women do it for they long for emotional connection, attention and support that is missing from their lives.
How do men feel when their wives cheat?
Men feel worthless, confused and angry when their wives cheat on them. Loss of identity, self-defeating thoughts and purposelessness are some of the problems they continue to face even in their future relationships—unless healed. Many men turn to alcohol, drugs and sex to avoid these feelings instead of facing them.
Why is my boyfriend so concerned about his ex-wife?
If your boyfriend is concerned about his ex-wife, it may be because his ego has gone into an overdrive—after being rejected by her. If the man doesn’t technically want to win back the ex, he becomes intent on proving himself as the great catch she lost.
What kind of behaviors lead to divorce?
Behaviors that lead to divorce include criticism of a partner’s personality, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling or emotional withdrawal, says renowned psychologist John Gottman.
How can I solve my boyfriend’s problems?
A girlfriend, as wonderful as she may appear, can’t solve a man’s problems, nor should she be asked. She, after all, is not a therapist.
Though I agree that no one should date until they work through their issues, I have to speak up about something in your last point.
No one’s behavior can cause someone else to behave a certain way. Many of the so called renowned affair experts push this fallacy on betrayed spouses but it is in fact a fallacy. A spouse may be horrible but all that should illicit is an honest conversation, a trip to a counselor (individual and marriage) and then a trip to the divorce lawyer if all of the above didn’t work.
The guy you dated was fixated on his ex and probably a horrible date but his actions didn’t contribute to his wife’s decision to have an affair. She made a bad situation about 1000 times worse and that’s entirely on her. She clearly has a major character deficit if that’s the way she chose to handle the problems in her marriage. Without knowing her I can guess that entitlement and conflict avoidance are just two that can be named.
This needs to be said because far too often blame shifting occurs after marital infidelity and that conversation needs to change.
I cheated on my first husband. I knew our marriage was really over when he refused to go to therapy because he “would be blamed for everything”. Did I feel isolated and unloved? Yes. Did I crave attention and a physical connection? Yes.
Was my decision to cheat disgusting and selfish? Absolutely.
My ex-husband, was, and still is, one of the best people I know. He’ll give you his last dollar and the shirt off his back- but that didn’t translate to a successful marriage. I’ll never not be ashamed of myself for disrespecting him the way that I did- he didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t perfect, but I am solely responsible for cheating- and it was my behavior, not his, that led me to do that.
Your attitude is shockingly refreshing for someone who cheated. No offense to you but that is not the attitude that the average cheater takes when they are discovered. Most of them blame everyone but most especially their faithful spouse. Ask me how I know.
Are they faultless in the relationship? Doubtful unless they’re perfect and no human being is. They are faultless for the cheating. Unless you naively believe that we can all wave our magic wand and compel others to act a certain way. If you do believe that JustJessika, then I have some land in Florida I’d surely love to sell to you.
I take no responsibility for the actions of other people. No one should. Lack of character leads to cheating. No need to make it complicated (unless you cheated in which case disregard this whole statement lol)
I guess I can see it from both perspectives. While the cheater is most certainly at fault, had the spouse not treated them in such a manner maybe the other wouldn’t have cheated? Not to excuse the cheater or behavior but I don’t think the other person should be faultless either. Of course you didn’t vow to get cheated on but they didn’t vow to be treated poorly either (if that is the case, otherwise disregard this whole statement lol)
Not at all what I was expecting. Well written and I can see why you would choose to steer clear of men like this.
Please do not place all of us in that same boat though. While I am no where near healed from the events in my life, I do see where I went wrong and understand that I need to work on myself.
I do agree about the psychic wound. I carry that around and no matter how much I can tell people I’m ok, all it takes is a bit of rejection from a possible date to bring all that pain up.
Being angry 5 or 12 years later about your ex cheating on you… Man o man, I couldn’t even imagine carrying that around for that long. I try hard to not even mention my ex when I’m dating or the circumstances of why it ended (ok it’s not hard not to mention her, I just don’t lol). Not that I think it should be hidden, but there is a time and place for it and to ruminate on it with your new girlfriend… Yeah… Not so much!
I second everything Meg said. No one “contributes” to their partner cheating. That is a solo, selfish, immature, destructive decision.
What a horribly sweeping generalization of men. The so called experts who claim that both parties are at fault for cheating are just victim blaming. The choice to have an affair is a unilateral decision by one partner.
I completely agree. I cheated, and it was 100% my fault- I’ve never once blamed my ex-husband for it.
Well said, and I’m a man.
Stop, drop and roll.
I’m that guy. I gave everything, but it was not enough. She cheated, and then destroyed my life. I am the worst case scinario, the guy that should be a huge red flag, that you shoudl run screaming into the night from.
My current wife asked me out, even admitting that she was worried about the baggage. It’s been 24 years of love and friendship, our only regret that we did not find each other the first time. Karma perhaps, the lessons needing to be learned.
Not sure on that, but certainly know that some wallow in pain, swim in a pool of self pitty while others grab the ole bootstraps, pick themselves back up, lessons learned, back on that proverbial horse.
Don’t choose based on the fact that a man has been knocked down, but his ability to get back up. That’s the guy you’ve been looking for your whole life.
Choose wisely.
I have to say, when I read the sum of all the things that pertain to men, and how women interact with men and value them, I can safely say there is not one good thing about us.
I have a narc-wife, soon to be ex, I can safely surmise it’s all my fault, that it’s all MY fault, there is no other fault than mine, and when I am done and free again, I best be avoided because it’ll all be my fault, and what with the baggage, an entirely disposable proposition.
The future is entirely bleak unless I find a way to be the superior man immediately, forget healing and pain, it seems that is for women only….baggage, in a man, pah, discard immediately, it’s cold and callouse I have to say….
Jules, let me ask you a question. Would you date a newly divorced woman who had been cheated on? I ask because you will find the same baggage in a woman who has been cheated on and if you are smart you’ll stay away. This is a woman’s site, it is only natural that the article would be written about a man from a woman’s perspective. So, please stop with the thin-skinned reaction and do what you need to do to keep from taking your baggage into your next relationship. Oh and if you want articles that praise men, find a men’s website to read.
It is the tone of the article and most articles like this that Jules has a problem with. You don’t see too many articles by women stating what they did wrong in the relationship.
Jack this isn’t an article about women, it’s an article about men. It’s written for a WOMEN’S website. Why would you expect an article written by a woman for a women’s website to be anything other than what this article is…the perspective of a woman. If it’s articles with a different “tone” you want, go to a men’s website and you will find them.
Imagine this is being said about a woman who was cheated on. Maybe then you will get it.
1. Yes she bears a psychic wound. She knows you didn’t cause it and yet, trust is difficult. So you blame her rather than want to help? Probably best you don’t have anything to do with her then since you’re a victim-blamer.
2. It’s not an excuse it’s a reason. If you don’t get it you’re probably either 13 or a cheat yourself.
3. Because she didn’t do anything to contribute to his cheating. At all. In any way. She was in the same marriage and she didn’t cheat. Even if she was some kind of abusive psycho he could always leave, the doors weren’t locked. Again, if you think someone contributed to being cheated on then you’re the one with the problem and I hope any victim of infidelity stays well away from you. You are toxic. You are part of the problem.
And there’s no good reason this doesn’t apply to both men and women.
Soooo when a man cheats, its the mans fault. When a woman cheats, its still the mans fault…. nice…