If the man you were going to spend the rest of your life with tells you he no longer loves you, wants a new life because you are the root cause of his unhappiness, it certainly wreaks havoc with your confidence and self-esteem.
My ex-husband decided the pastures were greener on the other side. So, he left. He did everything he could to make it as amicable as possible, least disruptive for the family and doing his best to keep the peace. Did that make the separation easier? Yes. Does it absolve him of his irresponsible actions? Absolutely not.
The ramifications of divorce are very serious and with children involved, it is a lifelong tumultuous affair. It messes with your psyche and has an incredible knack of creeping back in just when you think you have it all worked out. When I read about divorcees being grateful for their divorce, I try not to be cynical but inevitably I remain sceptical and here’s why I’m not grateful for my divorce:
1. Our Broken Vows:
A vow is an articulation of one’s commitment to a lifelong partnership. It is a sacred promise made to one another and in most cases, in the presence of others as a witness. It is not a flippant, romantic notion nor is it just “something we do” when we get married.
It is a solemn pledge of love and companionship under all circumstances. What is there to be grateful about when this vow is broken? It is nothing but a blatant disregard of why we got married in the first place and when he made the decision to go, there was no turning back and no opportunity was given to try and fix it.
2. Our Child Didn’t Get A Choice:
Asking for a divorce is not just leaving the spouse; it is breaking up a family unit. The children suffer and we rip their world apart because of one’s selfishness to pursue happiness. How we handle a life post-divorce certainly makes a difference to their upbringing and whilst I understand co-parenting can work and the children are still very much loved, there will always be issues for children of divorce to deal with.
Apart from dealing with confusion, anger and sadness, we throw in separate houses, future blended families, half and step siblings and not just being able to have one place to call home.
3. It Makes Me a Liar:
The only way to successfully co-parent is to project a united front. I have to pretend I respect her father, I have to mask my anger and disappointment and I have to encourage her to have a relationship with him even though I don’t believe he deserves it.
When she is upset with him I have to play it down and console her, I have to help her understand why he says those things or makes those decisions, all the while knowing the real truth. I am dreading the day she asks me why we are no longer together. In due time, she will expect a mature and adult response.
4. I Feel Guilty All The Time:
Parenting in the 21st century is challenging as we place ridiculous expectations on ourselves to ensure we provide them with the happiness they deserve. Our guilt and self-doubt stems from unrealistic end goals and some have hailed it to be an epidemic. But when your child tells you they don’t want to go to
But when your child tells you they don’t want to go to Daddy’s or are unhappy they have to pack their bags again and again, it is heartbreaking. And yet, we have to be strong and tell them they have no choice in a situation they didn’t create. Try that guilt and I can assure you gratitude is not a word I associate with those scenarios. And this is week in and week out for the next decade of my daughter’s life.
5. Divorce Makes Me Second Guess Myself:
If the man you were going to spend the rest of your life with tells you he no longer loves you, wants a new life because you are the root cause of his unhappiness, it certainly wreaks havoc with your confidence and self-esteem. I am a very strong person but I was rocked to the core and 3 years in it resurfaces now and again. It affects the decisions I make, it causes difficulties in my new relationship and I still think about it now and again.
So no, I am not grateful I got a divorce. We had a responsibility to make it work. This, however, doesn’t mean I am unable to be grateful for the new things I have discovered since my divorce but given the choice, I wish he hadn’t walked away on a whim. The reasons he left were not substantial enough, they were not divorce worthy such as abuse and violence. By comparison, they were first-world “just do it” pursuits of his happiness.
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Very well said. Agreed 100%.
Thank you. Its always good to know I’m not alone in my opinions!
All of this, every last word. I defined my worth by what he thought of me. When he walked away and treated me like I was nothing, I had to fight to recover my self-esteem. And the damage to our children. Divorce changed the course of their lives. There is nothing worse than being thrown away by someone you’ve planned to spend the rest of your life with. Nothing!
Exactly Cathy! The children……that hurts the most and guilt I carry is always there. A big lump of burning coal sitting at the bottom of my heavy heart.
YES on every single one of these points, especially #1 and #5.
Thank you Jane! It helps to know that I am not the only one! #1 makes me angry and #5 makes me sad.
Try going through this as a man in a society where everyone wants to believe the wife was the victim..
Ron, did you feel all the things the writer did? If you did, then your pain is no greater than her pain. You can’t come here and play the victim card while, at the same time, accusing women of playing the victim. That is twisted. Being left is bad news regardless of what gender you are.
Amanda, I don’t believe Ron is playing the victim card here and is blaming other women. I think he’s trying to highlight the unfortunate truth that our society and legal system both tend to assume that the woman is the victim. Everyone talks about women being the victims of divorce and there are plenty of support groups, websites etc. for women. No one really cares about the silent minority – men who were victims of domestic abuse, cheating wives etc.
Well said Amanda and thank you.
Ron, I am sorry you had to go through it too and I think I understand where you are coming from. It may seem that way perhaps because women are just more vocal and feel the need to express themselves a little more so I guess it may seem skewed. But best of luck and I hope it all works out for you.
So surprised to see some honesty on this site. Not the usual how wonderful you’re supposed to feel in nano-seconds.
Believe it or not, some do feel better in a nano-second but contrary to your insinuation, those aren’t the only article you will find on this site.
I agree with the sentiment and tone of the article. Just replace ‘he’ with ‘she’ and this is very close to my experience. My ex-wife had an affair with a co-worker. She then decided that she needed a boob job. Of course, she needed a new wardrobe because of the new boobs; thusly draining our bank accounts. She then borrows money from her mother to hire a lawyer for the divorce she wants. She left house, our marriage, and four small children (7, 5, 3 and 1 at the time) behind for greener grass.
I couldn’t agree more on all points. Thanks for putting into words what I have been feeling since he ran out the door a year ago!
I’m sorry that has been your experience, Carol. I went through it 16-years ago and it nearly crippled me emotionally. The good news is, I survived and so will you. I look back now and kind of chuckle over the idea that I ever felt love for him. There are better days ahead!
Spouses don’t usually leave on a ‘whim’ And you can’t blame only that person. Each partner needs to accept responsibility in the break up.
You put into words so many of the feelings I’ve had–and once in awhile still have–since my husband decided to leave 2 years ago. Fortunately we have as amicable a relationship as possible, and he is generous with child support. But I’m not sure my self esteem will ever fully recover. My biggest difference is that my son is now almost 17, and sees for himself the self-interest my ex displays.
Absolutely spot on. It’s been almost 5 years now and i am very grateful for everything I have learnt from this ordeal, but I will regret his decision to break up our family until my dying day.