Forced Visitation Isn’t Working For My Children
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The divorce decree is clear. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. Should be easy, right? Well, it has been anything but. There seems to be a trend with our four children. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father.
Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him. She remembers being in the same vicinity as he while family fun was being had. But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. When she was about 13, she started approaching me about his behaviors that were very unsettling to her. At every family meal, he called her a pig, admonished her and her siblings then moved on to whatever topic disgusted him the most at the moment. His criticisms and shows of aggression were getting worse, and she felt he was becoming abusive in general. When she did try to talk to him, he just got angrier.
She wanted me to know of all the sneaky things she’d seen him do. She had lost the ability to respect him and she couldn’t remember even liking him. She was growing more uncomfortable around him. I do remember how horrified she was by her father’s behavior after I asked him to take her to all-day soccer tournaments. The next day she begged me to make sure he never took her anywhere again. If she found herself in his presence, she quickly tried to get away from him. At one point, he showed up at her soccer banquet, and when she saw him already sitting in there, she refused to go in. The rest of the evening I tried to change her mind.
During the divorce, our second child started refusing visits with his father also. Our first-born had been avoiding him for a while, and now the 11-year-old had started to grow distraught and nervous around his dad. He would complain of headaches and stomachaches and would try to retreat in his room for long periods of time, not wanting to talk or play. For the first time, I noticed he was experiencing problems with school and starting to put on weight. He had always been quite shy and passive and when my ex’s temper would flare, which was almost a daily occurrence, our son would completely shut down.
Back during that time, my husband responded by filing contempt charges against me. I had to explain to the courts that I wasn’t comfortable threatening them or physically forcing them into their father’s car who could possibly be drinking or, in a mood and ready to take it out on them the moment they were in the car. This was because they were 14 and 11 years old at the time.
Plus the kids were so adamant. My ex’s attorney angrily demanded that I make them go in the same way I made them do anything else they refused to do. But there has never been ANYTHING they have adamantly refused to do. These children have never behaved like this. Until then they’d never offered to be punished instead of doing what was asked of them.
These were red flags.
If any of the kids acted this way about going to school, for example, I would know something was seriously wrong and thoroughly investigate before blindly sending them on their way. During the marriage, their father hadn’t been involved in parenting to any significant degree. And the children had never wanted spent large amounts of time with him. Once the divorce started and the older kids found out they were expected to stay with him for days at a time, they panicked.
Now, three years later, the third child is refusing many visits. Recently my ex told this child, now 12, that he would sue me if she didn’t get into his car. She was almost hysterical. From the texts I received over the weekend, her anger never faded.
The kids have very lasting, deep resentment toward him when they’re forced to visit. However, our youngest child is 8 and she has a fairly good relationship with her dad. She’s had spells where she just doesn’t want to visit him. But most of her issues were from when her father used to hide his phones so our youngest two kids couldn’t contact me.
After the divorce ended, I was able to talk the middle two children into giving their father a chance. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. The second oldest child went about half of the time, the third and fourth children went to all of them. But with time, they’re growing more upset.
I keep suggesting they talk to their father, but they tell me that I don’t understand. “You don’t know what it’s like to spend time with him or tell him something he doesn’t want to hear!!” They are scared to express their feelings to him, and they feel depressed after being with him. In fact, one of our children has never really been able to sleep at his dad’s house.
Another big source of contention is their dad’s girlfriend. The kids cannot find any appreciation for her personality and they aren’t happy with her parenting them. However, they are expected to treat her and her little boy as family when she lives there. Sometimes their father refers to her as his wife and she lives in his house, but sometimes they break up “for good” and she moves out until they make up. The kids are never sure what to expect when they arrive at their dad’s.
Recently my ex told me that until the kids are 16, they have no say in whether they visit him or not. I don’t think he understands how much they resent him over that. The kids are also pretty upset with the idea of me going back to court. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. If that had happened then or were to happen now, the kids would never forgive him.
I would love for our children to feel good about going to his house. After the divorce, when the kids WERE visiting their dad, my stress lifted more than I can express. All along I have encouraged the children to visit their dad, and many times I’ve successfully talked them into going. As the children have gotten older and are refusing visits again, my ex has demanded that I “show them who the adult is” and do whatever it takes to make them visit him.
I still believe that’s beyond what the courts would want… to damage the kids further by threatening and trying to physically force them at this age. (I HAVE physically forced children into his car up to the age of 9 or 10, but it’s awful.)
Our children are great kids who’ve lost trust in some adults. They would be so much better off if their father could find a way to attract them into his life instead of forcing them. I pray he will find some clarity and work on being a dad the kids can believe in and enjoy.
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Absolutely DO NOT force your children to visit your ex if they don’t want to. Sometimes they need a cooling off period and some times they just need to sever ties. My oldest (16) was forced to see her father from age 13-15. I had to physically drag her to the car. She threw a phone at me and would cry hysterically all the way to his house. Their relationship was completely toxic. They had a six month cooling off period with no contact at all and are slowly working out their relationship. My younger child (now 14) HATEs seeing his father but isn’t willing to put up the fight. He tolerates their relationship. And since the ex has WAY more money than I do he can take our son out for all sorts of things that I can’t afford. But I learned the hard way–forcing children to engage in a toxic relationship is a bad idea. In my state (North Carolina) once the children are old enough to not be physically forced or bribed to see the non-custodial parent, no judge will enforce the “parenting” plan. Please, please listen to your kids. Your ex may threaten to have you put in jail but if you have provided a stable loving safe home for the kids you probably don’t have much to worry about. Good luck!!!!
If mom is encouraging the visits, why would the children try and please mom? And how do you except her to nip this in the bud? These are THEIR feelings, and to try to ‘nip them’ and make them visit their dad will only hinder them. Perhaps the focus needs to be on WHY they don’t want to go to their dads’, and what’s going on in that stuation.
youre right these are major red flags. Something is happening at their fathers house. If they’re not in therapy get them in therapy. And maybe ask them directly if something is happening or being done to them when their with their father.
It seems more likely that the children are rejecting Dad in an attempt to please Mom.
This does not necessarily mean she is consciously trying to alienate them from their father, but failure to nip it in the bud will only aggravate the damage to the children. They need to re-establish healthy relations with Dad NOW, and Mom needs to be the one to enforce this and show them that choosing her over him does NOT please her.
I didn’t come away from the article with that impression. I’m working very hard at the moment to reestablish a relationship with my children who are estranged from me. They aren’t estranged from me because of anything their mother did. They are estranged because I was angry over the divorce from their mother and took it out on my 2 daughters. They shut me out and had every right to do so because I was toxic to be around. I made their lives miserable and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them. Thank God their mother didn’t force them to put up with my crap! They nipped their relationship with me in the bud and I have a lot of respect for them setting boundaries on my behavior toward them. NO child should be forced to be around a parent who causes them misery. NO CHILD!!
I LOVE YOU.
Can you hold classes for other men?
I examined that as well. There were so many things that helped me rule it out. The kids have been telling their friends things their dad has done that they have identified as wrong, and the friends’s parents have told me.
One of our kids has very recently reported that their dad has said he knows he needs to do better (behaviorally).
My whole family and I constantly tell the kids that they are to never feel guilty or conflicted about visiting him for any reason. Thankfully the kids have seen many examples of sincerity from my whole family.
Anytime I can make things smoother for my ex without stepping on his toes, I do. The kids usually come home from his house with bloated bellies, tummy pain and sometimes weight gain. They complain that there is no food in the house, only junk, and they always eat out in restaurants. I sent him some pics of their fav healthy foods in an easy text. I try to always go along with his requests for changing the schedule, times, etc.
There were so many things I couldn’t add in a short article. Hopefully this adds a little clarity. His behavior was always incredibly toxic during our marriage. I hear the kids talk about their own experiences with those behaviors now, and it’s unfortunate.
It is very unfortunate, my children are also dealing with a behaviorally toxic father, he was like that when we were married, which is one of the main reasons we are divorced. Part of me hoped that he would straighten up, but he has gotten worse as time goes by. He does treat our oldest worse than the younger one – he tells her constantly “you look just like your ___ mother” or “you’re just like your ___ mother” and then will turn around and tell the youngest “i’m glad you look more like me”.
Reading your article, he sounds so much like my ex husband. Now my 15 year old doesn’t want to go at all, but with him being in law enforcement he says that he will have me arrested and the state Missouri, it seems to be forceable until the kids are 18 – Equal and meaningful – even if it is horrible meaningful, which is terrible for these children.
Would love to know the outcome of this! I have a similar situation. My daughter has been through hell and tried to cope, but at 16 refused to go to visitation. Not sure what will happen. It’s a sad situation. And to the comment of kids trying to please the parent. Give me a break….she gave many examples and the daughter threw a phone at HER for God sake. Yeah, some parents may truly try to alienate but some kids are estranged because the parent themselves!
I am experiencing this now with my 12 year old. she hates her father and have mental breakdowns when have to go over there and it breaks my heart. I made an appointment for a therapist I am hoping we can get to the bottom of it. God help me.
What did the therapist say? I am in the same boat. Daughter says she never wants to talk to him again, but he was an abusive jerk in front of her all the time. He did a lot of things to me and her both.
I am currently experiencing this same exact scenario. And back to court I go. Children are Soon to be 14 & 16. Both refuse to go see father out of state. Last time they were “forced to go” they ripped up their plane tickets and handed them back to the airline.. (at the airport- that was a fun scene) Both of my kids have resentment and hatred for this man. Of course Father believes it’s all my fault that I brainwashed them, which can’t be further from the truth.. He made his own bed along with his new wife on how they treated these children that last 4 years during visits.
Kids are also required to call him — which makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). One would think as an adult that if you wanted to have a conversation with your children you would call them..
Both kids have been in therapy and were court ordered to talk to a CPS in the court room after a visit – which was declared that this relationship between them and him was indeed not healthy — I would have thought the judges would have taken that into consideration considering they were the ones who ordered it — NOPE never happened. Now kids have no desire to see therapist because they both agree “it doesn’t do any good to talk to someone, when no one listens to how I feel.” So now all the kids see is that the courts are failing them as well as outside help 🙁
it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this!! Mine are 12 and 9 and absolutely refuse to go, they want nothing to do with him. When he actually decides to text or call them they ignore him. His wife is extremely rude to my oldest and makes it very well known that the youngest is the favorite! I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want them to resent me for making them go. Also don’t have the money if he decides to take me to court!! Stressed to the max with spring break coming up
I had wonderful relationship with my son, the minor counsel accused me with parental alienation had the court order monitoring visits,my son runaway from his mother later he start changing now he refuse to come to visits even the monitoring accusing me that I brainwashed him against his mom which it is not true, last court hearing the female judge told mom if he does not visits if he act bad she will be in trouble,the mother she was alienation my son against me but I was successful to undo her work when he cam to me now I can’t
I am going through something similar right now with my 6 year old daughters. It is very chalke ging yo get them to their visits and we are frequently late because they just drag themselves through the process of getting there. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. And he lays on the guilt and gas actually told them they have no voice the visits are enforceable and read the court j7dgement to them already more then 12 x. They are both 6.
I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. I am now addressing the elephant in the room. I ask them point blank how they feel, and do they want to visit. I have decided I will not physically force them to visit. I have encouraged, cajoled, and tried to reassure them as best as I can. But if they now say they don’t want to visit we meet for the exchange, and he is informed at that point that they don’t want to visit that day.
If they want to visit they do. But I will not force them. He has already threatened me , in front of the kids, with Child Protective Services, and called the local police station. I have had to tell the school about this because the children ate being effected in school too now. If he would approach this differently he would get a different response. But his behaviour has led to his alienating his own children from himself.
From what I’ve read on this board… shame on you moms for making yourselves look like victims here. It looks plain to me you are not doing your jobs making sure the kids see their fathers. Fathers are not second class citizens here they are equal parents to their kids. It’s sound like a lot of jealousy here because the dads are remarried. Fathers are very important in a child’s life, you talk nice about their dads to them, you prepare them for visitation with their dads, do not mass text your kids when they are there with their dads and get a life of your own so when the kids are visiting their dads you are out with friends or a date for God’s sake. Geez
Molly, you have obviously been fortunate enough to not have been in or be in an toxic relationship. For those of us that have we can relate all to well to this story. It has nothing to do with our feelings as mothers or fathers as much as it has to do with what our children, who have been raised with emotional and mental clarity in hope that in life (even as minors) they be able to communicate their needs. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. It is also our job to listen and guide our children through these situation and NONE of it is easy or done with malice or jealousy. Children are NOT pawns in a divorce, they did not choose the separation or the resulting chaos that always ensues. If you really read what was written, or could truly take it in, you would not have seen fathers being attacked, but instead what was the cry’s from children who are suffering and a loving parent (which yes was a mother this time) who was doing her best to try and find a middle ground that did not isolate the kids from their father despite the fact that he sounds like a narcissist who loves to gas light anyone who shines light on his flaws, including his own children.
The world is full of many things that can cause a child to grow into a man or woman that is cable of the subtle abuse that is happening in this story, the kind of abuse that is often over looked and ignored by the courts. It can make the other parent feel helpless to stand up for what their kids are begging for because no one considers it “real abuse”, but this kind of abuse is as dangerous as any kind. Please try and be understanding to others perspectives.
I really hope I am right and you have never experienced a toxic relationship and that you, your partner, and your children continue to live with this blessing….because it is truly a blessing to be spared the pain. That said, I wouldn’t change my experience for anything.
Amen!
I second that Amen. It is heart wrenching to go through this. We don’t choose to go through this. It would be so much easier if the other parent could put the children’s feelings first instead of being forced. Forcing only pushes children further away.
Molly – I’m not sure what you are reading, but my ex and I are both remarried. I am not jealous of him in the least, I couldn’t be happier that I do not have to be controlled and mentally abused by him any longer. What makes me ill is that I continually tell my children that this is their father, they will regret not having a relationship with him. But once your kid reaches a certain age – they figure out what type of person their father is on their own. Mine for example told me to quit apologizing for him when he would say hateful, mean things to them….because it was not my fault. ALSO, I do not mass text my children when they are at their fathers house; however, he texts them constantly when they are at my house and I do not say anything.
I do agree, Fathers are important in a child’s life, but they can be just as detremental if he is a toxic individual. Please look at all possibilities before berating people for looking for support and commonalities in their frustrations.
Nobody is jealous. Lol. As a parent, one has a duty to build a relationship with their child. Both mother and father are adults here so they are both equally responsible for maintaining a strong relationship with their children. The father should be making plans with the children often asking how they are every few days or every day if they are older with cell phones or asking the mother how the younger children are. Vise versa. And using manipulation, ultimatums, and threats is abuse..
AMEN! This whole thread sounds like mom just trying to make dad the bad guy. He just wants to see his kids. Teenage girls especially are drama and they will get away with what they can with who they can and it seems they can do it with mommy because mommy defends them.
My daughter is 10 and she doesn’t want to see her dad she will even tell you that I would always say before a visit to go it’ll be fun but she was extremely uncomfortable w his verbal abuse and constant criticism of her and me n her stepdad he would even criticize her little brother and her step brother constantly! His road rage and leaving her alone and Pornos we’re just some of her complaints but somehow he spun it in court that me n my husband are the bad guys note:I did try to speak to him and he said if I petitioned him or told authorities about his drug use n selling (which I have proof of) he would put a hit on me. He had recently been arrested for drugs and patronizing prostitutes , of course my daughter doesn’t know this but she witnessed him screaming at me n her and calling her overweight and on and on so she drew her own conclusions about him, I can not help that she doesn’t want to be verbally abused and neglected on her visits, he shows no signs of remorse or rectifing his behavior I feel very bad and worried for my daughter if his suspended visitation is lifted.
I’m at this site tonight because this is our situation, too. My 13yo does not want to visit her dad. My 9yo often doesn’t want to visit her dad. My 7yo sometimes doesn’t want to visit his dad. I don’t blame them! We had to leave for a reason! Why aren’t the children’s voices listened to?! Children know who makes them feel loved and cherished and who doesn’t. The legal system needs to listen to them! It’s so horrible that children are MADE to visit people they don’t want to just because they are related! What hope do we have as single moms fighting to protect our children?!
Agreed. I really wish kids had a choice…a voice.
I am glad I came across this site and read so many other parents facing the same exact situation I am going through with my two kids. My kids are getting ready to see their father for spring break. Every visit they break down and cry and suffer from anxiety. My daughter (14 years old) has had panic attacks at her father’s. My poor son (8 years old) cries and cries. It is awful. I wish the relationship between their father and them was better. It causes so much heartache and stress. I read a comment above that put blame on the parents for not supporting a relationship with the other parent. Kids know who are genuine and who love them. Kids know where they are safe. Us parents that go through this type of situation do not enjoy it and wish our kids would have great a relationship with the other parent because watching your kids hurt and feeling unsafe is extremely difficult. We would love to be able to kiss our kids goodbye for a visit knowing that our kids are happy and safe.
If you stop forcing them to go for the scheduled visits, can’t you as the mother, get into trouble for that? I have the exact ex husband as Christy (the writer) has. He is angry all of the time and it is much worse if they say or do something that is something he does not want to hear. He has always said things that he should, such as calling them fatso when they have snacks, but recently when our oldest daughter didn’t pass her permit test, he called her “a worthless dip$hit who didn’t care about anyone other than herself”. They have always complained about going with him and I’ve always talked them into it, but with the oldest it has gotten to the point where she said she is NOT going any longer. I do not have the finances to take him back to court, and even if I did, I’m afraid that it wouldn’t go positively….from a past time where we were back in court for custody and I had all sorts of documentation including a statement of medical neglect from their physician and he still won more time. He is a police office and has relatives in the court house, and that is the only reason I can see that he would have won – which is so ethically wrong. So, now the oldest doesn’t want to go at all – at a loss of what to do and feel so helpless to help her.
Yes, she can get in legal trouble. To the courts, it is comparable to your child saying she doesn’t want to go to school anymore, she’d rather stay home and play videogames or whatever. The proper response from the parent is to lay down the law: it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, you WILL GO. Custody orders have the force of law, and they are binding on the PARENTS; if the court’s orders are not followed as written, it is the PARENTS who are in contempt.
This is a very frustrating thing to deal with. My son is refusing to go with his Mother because of her anger management issues, emotional abuse, and toxic environment at her house. During the school year, he is supposed to go over to her house every other weekend and only one weekend for the entire nine months did she actually spend her whole weekend with him – most of her weekends she just utilized parts of the weekend. Now, rolling into summer, she is supposed to have him every other week – my son is sick with the idea of having to spend a week at her house – it is non stop screaming and yelling. She is now trying to force him to go. He’s 17…nobody can force him to go. The usual threats of contempt are yelled at me and him – what can I do? I tried getting them to talk and work out something, but he tells me there’s no way to even have a conversation with her. I don’t want to put him through this however, I don’t want to end up in trouble myself…please, any advice appreciated….
You need to hire an attorney and have the attorney file for a modification of visitation. He can be forced to go with her…and I mean forced by the police and you don’t want that for him. Since he is 17 a judge is going to take his feelings into consideration and will probably agree with him. Before you and he both end up in a more conflicted situation, get yourself an attorney.
Thank you for your reply. I can talk with an attorney however, what’s the chance that the court would entertain reducing his custodial time less than it is now? He’s supposed to go every other weekend during the school year (he went less on his mom’s direction) – it’s the every other week in the summer which is causing the significant stress.
No one can tell you how a judge will rule, not even a local attorney. Anyone with knowledge of how these issues are dealt with in your jurisdiction can tell you whether it’s worth the effort or not. Talk to an attorney. Your son’s age and ability to communicate why he doesn’t want to be at his Mom’s house will hold a lot of weight with a judge. Another thing you could do is approach his Mom about changing the visitation schedule. If she is agreeable all you would need to do is have an attorney draw up a new agreement and file it with the court.
I don’t know what state you’re in but most states the judge won’t rule in contempt when it’s a teen, especially 17.
Thanks for your reply, Ella. We are located in Pennsylvania. I sure wish that would be the case. Incidently, his brother, now 18, went down the same road trying to avoid all of the issues associated with his mom’s house. I guess the best way to understand how the local judges rule is to talk to a local attorney.
at first i tried to make it seem like a good thing , I would give my son pep talks about how great and fun it was going to be, and every Friday night , I would have a hysterical 5 1/2 year old plopped on my doorstep , not being able to do one night , and my ex would be furious , angry and thinking its my fault …. this took a good year before he would even stay one night …. then it got bit by bit better …. until around the age of 11 , he started making excuses ( my son ) of not wanting to go , that he was going to have friends over and so he didnt want to go to his dads etc , he would say the same thing to his dad , and most times , it was just a made up excuse and he would end up cuddling with me on the couch later that night watching a movie …. I am a believer in NOT forcing them to go …. I did what i could at first and “helped ” the ex the best I could , but as in every scenario, they end up burning their bridges on their own with their children . From the age of 11 and 12 on , I can honestly count on both hands how many times my son has actually stayed at his dads … and he is about to 18 this fall ….. I am not going to force something that just isnt there , for either one of them apparently …. my ex obviously didnt try to hard to remedy the situartion , he was “fine ” with the less weekends ….and so it made it even easier for my son to just not go and avoid the whole situation . Divorce is a crappy thing for anyone , at anytime , all we can do is hope for the best , and keep hoping we are doing right by our kids …. good luck to us all !!!
Father looking for some guidance here. I have 3 daughters (11 – 13 – 15). Their mother has primary custody – yet I have had our daughters 95% of the time since March 2020. Recently, their mother moved into a travel trailer in a casino parking lot, and our daughters (minus the 11 yr old) refuse to visit her. I haven’t spoken to their mother about this yet, but I need to before it becomes a bigger issue. My first impulse is to encourage the girls to see their mother (suggested hotel room options, etc.). I have a 3 bedroom home with everything they need (and most everything they want). I assume it’s too much of a change for them to visit her in the trailer environment, but I still encourage them to do so. I don’t feel like I should force them though. Can anyone offer up some advice on handling this? Their mother and I communicate moderately well, but I know this is going to set her off (and the kids are likely to face belittlement from her as a result).
I have a 3 year old and an almost 6 year old. Their father isn’t a bad father, but he’s more of a goofy friend. He’s a very immature parent who takes zero parental responsibility. Like he doesn’t know who their doctor is, or even what our 6 year olds best friends are.Which can be very good for them at times. He and I however are recently divorced and the environment for us is still quite toxic. He’s angry at me even though his life is good right now. He’s got a partner, they just bought a house, he got out of thousands in our divorce. I have a strong protective nature of our children because for the past two years of our separation I had to take care of them every day with no breaks while dealing with recovering from PPD.
My children however, do not want to visit him, especially overnights. Since my almost 6 year old is from my previous marriage but has only know my second ex as his father, it has been kinda put up to my child if they wish to go or not. My ex doesn’t fight for the 6 year old, and treats him like he’s a chore. Our 3 year old however all of a sudden has started waking up from nightmares and night terrors screaming about not wanting to see him. I have tried to talk with her about why she is scared to go, because when dad shows up she’s fine but once she gets home she’s adamant that she doesn’t want to go back. Dad’s house has gifts every visit, and they get to choose what they want for dinner, there’s no rules at dad’s dad doesn’t even have to bathe them or brush their teeth.
I have tried many times to communicate this with my ex. I have asked for him to be more available for phone calls or video chats on days he doesn’t have them when they are voicing their stance on not wanting to go, and he doesn’t even respond. He never responds. And so now he makes a big show when I just make the decision to not force them to go saying I’m withholding and has had his lawyer threaten me. To me at this point, I’m exhausted from taking care of the healing process of my normally very happy children. In my mind if he isn’t going to work with me to help them through this transition, that it’s not my job anymore to do all that work for him.
I have suggested mediation and family counseling but he refuses.
I don’t understand why it’s the primary’s responsibility to force visits to happen if the coparent isn’t willing to also put in the work. Regardless of that, I’m always scared that making the decision to say I’m not going to force them will get me in serious trouble. But my stand point is I’m not withholding, I’m just not going to be the one to force them. If he wanted them, he’d be showing up to pick them up and forcing them himself.
Your comment gives me so much hope… Thank you!!!
I wanted to live with my dad my mom took me away from him saying lies about him so that I would not like him and now she is irritating me with this ridiculous bug and parasite nonsense I would like her to stop with it right now. She has a mental illness and it’s making her think she’s seeing bugs and parasites and she is not.
I think this post is quite irresponsible. Before you get offended, let me explain why. Firstly, your public name is attached to the article. Children have access to the internet these days. If they ever come across these messages, or if they have already, you have inadvertently (unless this is done purposefully) frustrated relations with their father. Secondly, rather than try to “convince” them on your own, try to work on improving relations between you and your ex-partner and perhaps include him in the mix whenever they are unwilling to see him.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your children said they didn’t want to see you? Try to put yourself in his shoes. Show a bit of empathy and compassion. Do what is best for your children. If this means trying to get to the root source of what the father is doing wrong, so that he can get support needed to tackle the problem, I think you should not ever give up.
Although I know there are some people that are genuinely not good people, statistically this would be maybe 3-5% of the total population. The remainder might just have some issues from their childhood that need to be addressed. Sometimes it is surprising to find that people do not even realize how their actions effect others, even if they are told. Try to do it in a polite manner. If needed, seek out professional support. But, most importantly, don’t go thinking that a child will be better without their other parent actively involved in their life.
Him getting upset from his children not wanting to see him seems quite understandable. At least he is making the effort. I think you should give the guy a break and try to work collaboratively with everyone for a solution to solving your problems rather than going off and venting your anger about private family matters for the world to see, including your children.