If you are (or were) married to a narcissist, then you may be familiar with the term, “gaslighting.” It is the narcissist’s masterful manipulation technique to gain control over you. As your relationship begins to weaken, he carefully causes you slight anxiety or confusion. But as the relationship worsens, he punitively devalues you, and you thereby question your mental sanity. Extreme or long term gaslighting can ultimately lead you to having a distorted sense of reality – not knowing who is right or wrong, feeling guilty for being the person you are, and losing any remaining self-confidence.
Gaslighting is an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse, as it causes the narcissist’s victim to question her judgment, on even the smallest issues, thereby making her dependent of him. If, for example, she is repeatedly told that she is bad with money, she will begin to believe it, and think that without her narcissist by her side, she will be financially ruined.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight,’ where a young woman named Paula falls madly in love with her suitor, Gregory. After an intense romance that led to marriage, Gregory begins to display pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to Paula’s insanity. In one scene, Gregory tampers with the gas light in the attic, causing the house lights to dim. When Paula mentions hearing footsteps in the attic and the lights dimming, Gregory tells her it’s completely her imagination, making Paula question her judgment. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly messes with your head.
Depending on the stage of your narcissistic relationship, gaslighting at first appears to be subtle, but then gradually worsens. Below are the signs you are a victim of gaslighting, in order in which they may occur. This list illustrates that as the relationship declines, so does your mental clarity and grasp of reality and truth.
1) You become addicted to his grandiosity
When your whirlwind romance is at its peak, you have intense feelings of euphoria – you are almost in a drunken dance with his charm and abundant attention. Your brain releases endorphins, sending you in a complete state of intoxication. And because you likely had low self-esteem before you met him, the joy you feel can only occur when you are with him, thus making you dependent on him. Before you know it, you are addicted to your narcissist.
2) You see red flags but you can’t pinpoint the problem
As your narcissist becomes bored with you, his attention begins to dwindle and he searches for new supply. He may discreetly put you down, saying you’re “needy” or “overly sensitive.” His once empathetic affection for you has now turned to apathy, and this sudden change leaves you in a foggy state of confusion. You can’t pinpoint the problem, so you think something is wrong with you, and you do everything you can to fix it.
3) When you no longer have his attention, you actually experience withdrawal
Because you are addicted to him, and no longer getting your “fix,” you experience intense anxiety. Withdrawal from him may lead you to become fixated by his every action, wondering what he is doing, trying to please him, and obsessing on how to save the relationship. Your addiction, however, only causes him disgust, despite the fact that he dispensed you the enslaving elixir.
4) You are ignored, then attended to, but then ignored again, so you lower the bar for yourself
Now that you no longer have your full fix, you will take what you can get. While a narcissist may emotionally discard you, he will still keep you around for when supply is low. So he may give you a glimpse of affection here and there, giving you hope that he is coming back to you. This further declines your self-esteem, however, making you think you are only worth sub par affection.
5) You second guess yourself and question your sanity
To keep you within close reach, he will gaslight your every request. While this seems counter-intuitive, the manipulator is puppeteering you. You may ask him to join you for a dinner party, but rather than simply declining, he will denigrate your friends and even scold you for having an interest in them. But because you are still in love with him, you now question your choices in friends. You withdraw from them in order to please him, and he further reigns in his puppet strings. Slowly, you second guess every choice of yours, making you more dependent of him, which is the narcissist’s ultimate goal.
6) You feel guilty and are always apologizing
As you now second guess yourself, anything you do to repair the relationship feels like a mistake. If your narcissist is threatened by you experimenting with a new approach, he may experience narcissistic injury, erupting into an extreme rage or placating you with deafening silence. So you apologize, retreat, and feel bad for trying something new. Unable to move, you walk on egg shells, now feeling captive by your abuser. You fantasize about breaking free, but you feel hostage due to his masterful gaslighting.
7) When you mention divorce, he will retreat into victim mode
Now that you have tried everything but failed, you want to give up and end the marriage. But when you mention divorce, he will stab at your ability to function as a human being, and that you could never get by without him. Rather than taking responsibility for his actions, he will blame you for a multitude of infractions: you don’t want to have sex, you want too much sex, you’re lazy, you’re fat, you’re insane, you’re unstable, and you should be LUCKY that he has stuck around to support you. After all, no one else would ever tolerate you but him. Now you’re giving up, how could you do such a thing, how could you do that to the children, how could you do that to him, you are so selfish. And because your sense of reality is so distorted at this point, you actually feel bad for him, so you stay.
And so the cycle continues.
If you are victim of gaslighting, you must remember why your narcissist does this. Their distorted sense of self, and their fear of being exposed that they are no longer truly special, gives them the ammo to play ultimate mind games. You aren’t the problem – they are. Do not succumb to his manipulation – you are worthy of love and safety, and a narcissist’s gaslighting will only prevent you from realizing it. You must break free before your sanity is ultimately compromised.
Lindsey Ellison is founder of Start Over. Find Happiness, a coaching practice that helps women navigate through their divorce and break ups. She specializes in helping women break free from their narcissistic partners, and offers a free webinar on how to so. Click here to access the webinar.
FAQs About Victims of Narcissistic Abuse:
What does the term gaslighting mean?
The term ‘gaslighting’ is used when a narcissist deliberately makes you doubt yourself. The term came from a 1944 film ‘Gaslight’, which shows how a narcissist drives his partner crazy.
Can gaslighting make you sick?
Gaslighting can make you sick as it makes you doubt your sanity. Narcissists use gaslighting as a weapon to perpetuate their control over their victims, which is a form of emotional abuse.
Are narcissists romantic?
Narcissists can make you feel in love with their charm and attention when you first meet. Women with low self-esteem and a troubled past can feel intoxicated in their presence, and become dependent on them quite quickly.
Why do narcissists blame you?
Narcissists will generally blame you for every little thing you do or don’t do. When the blame game gets worse, it indicates that a narcissist is getting bored with you and is looking for another source of supply.
Why do I miss a narcissist?
You miss a narcissist after getting addicted to the way he has been treating you for a while. The intense feeling of withdrawal in his absence will make you want to go to every length to please him and save your relationship. The more you try, the harder he will resist you after deserting you for another source of supply.
Why does he make fun of me and my friends?
When a narcissist makes fun of you and your friends, he does it to debase all of you and to prove that he is larger than life. The narcissist indulges in this perversity not without a cause as he intends to keep you under his tight control—readily available to be manipulated for his benefit.
Related Articles:
- Ending Abuse
- Ways To Get Through Divorce With Sanity Intact
- Gaslighting Techniques: My First Encounter
- Divorcing a Narcissist: Keep Your Expectations Low!
Great article. Narcissists turn reality inside out so the target of abuse is left doubting what happened. “I didn’t say that.” or “You’re being too sensitive.” Once the target claws the way out, the narcissist casts himself or herself in the role of the victim. Post divorce, it’s important but sometimes a challenge not to fall back into learned interactions with the abuser but at least you’re no longer sucked into that vortex.
Sounds a lot like alcoholic behavior too!
How did you deal with making the decision to leave and not see your child all the time?
It was a matter of saving my sanity. I gave up seeing my child every day to seeing her half time in order to be the best mother I could be. I made the decision to show my daughter that a woman doesn’t have to be trapped by anyone. It’s been over a year, and I still miss her like mad when she’s not with me, but it’s best in the long run.
Many of these articles are gender biased. Why? Emotional defenses of very high functioning minds always advocate breaking free, breaking ties … abandonment as solutions. Divorce, stonewalling. breaking all communicating may not be anything more than perpetuating either parties cycles. Just saying!
JC, yes they are gender biased. Why? Because this is a women’s website. It’s filled with content for WOMEN. It only makes sense that we write and publish for our readers who are mainly WOMEN.
I literally googled “how to handle ex wife who is a gaslighter” and this came up. Guys get gaslit too, and it’s just as painful for us. Do you know of any “divorced dads” site that would be a good resource for how to deal with the emotionally abusive ex wife?
Joe, an emotionally abusive person is just that, emotionally abusive. It isn’t a gender specific behavior. Information you find here is as valuable as information you’ll find on a site for men. You can visit dadsdivorce.Com buy I’m not sure what you’ll find there. If you have questions ask us. We will try to be of help.
Thank you. I found me here. First I laughed then I cried. Thank kbyou for putting my puzzled life into words.
does the person that is gaslighting have to be a narcissist? Can someone gaslight their partner but not be narcissistic?
I came here to comment specifically to make this very point: borderlines do it too. And honestly I don’t know this article is really painting a picture of actual gaslighting anyway.
Shawn, when you say, borderline, you’re referring to women, right? When you say the article paints a picture of actual gaslighting, you’re saying you disagreeing with the article because it doesn’t mention that women can also gaslight, right? In other words, it isn’t the article that is the problem, it’s your misogyny and resentment that the article doesn’t also point out that women gaslight too. You came to a website for women and now your dander is up because you found an article that addresses men. Silly boy!
Wow! I’m just finding this comment two months later.
Forgive me for not going back and re-reading the article in it’s entirety. I’ve read a LOT about gaslighting and this article didn’t really mesh with the definition of gaslighting that I understandd. I can defend that point if it’s relevant to you.
The original comment referred to narcissism and I replied to it. NPD is it’s own disorder, distinct from borderline personality disorder. Women are indeed diagnosed as borderline more often that men but nowhere did I say one word gender.
There are actually women with the name Shawn. As I recall I came to this article by way of a Facebook link. Either way, my own gender wouldn’t disqualify me from making the point that I did. Thank you for reminding me of all my prior experiences with women who make assumptions and draw unfair conclusions. Shall I keep hoping to me one who doesn’t do that?
I stopped reading halfway through. It’s a bit sexist to assume the narcissist gas lighter is male, and the victim female. Men are victims of emotional abuse and manipulation just as much as women.
Brandon, are you serious? You do realize you’re on a website about women and divorce, don’t you? I’m sure this article was written for women since is is on a SITE FOR WOMEN. Nothing sexist about that at all.
I just filed for divorce about a month ago from my husband of 10 years who is a textbook gas lighter. But he picked the wrong wife. I don’t have low self esteem I just was extremely young and inexperienced when I met him and thought being married meant I was supposed to make him happy. Over time it became clear I could never make him happy no matter what I did. After our kids were born, too many things couldn’t be explained away. He did every horrible thing imagined to me and then blamed me. He is still blaming me. He is untreated bibolar and probably many other things. Thank god for my family… but we all fell for his lies. But no more.
He can’t hurt me or our kids anymore like he was even though he is desperately trying. I don’t know if he’s a monster or just severely sick, but he won’t admit to anything or get the help he needs. I stood by him loyally and blindly until me and our kids were put at great physical risk after years of too much emotional harm and at that point I immediately ended our marriage. It has been difficult but there is no other choice for me. Our children’s safety comes first. I pray for all of you going through anything like this. It’s like living through a nightmare that doesn’t end.
Great article. Spot on. I wish I had known about narcissism, decades ago. It would have shed a light on my ex’s bizarre behavior, before he sucked away decades of my life.