I am astounded by the response I received from my first article. I had never expected it to be published, and when I discovered it was, I knew it would not be received well. I wrote it because it is my truth, as raw, painful, and taboo as it is. No matter the reason for a divorce, it still hurts like hell, for ALL involved. I know what I did was wrong, I was stupid in trusting someone other than my husband. I take full responsibility for my actions, I never condoned it and said it was OK.
I most certainly was not looking for a “pity party”. I wrote my feelings down because I still grieve the death of a marriage. I wrote about the naivety, vulnerability, pain and heartbreak in this particular situation. So many emotions were involved and still are. And yes, it also affected my ex-husband and children.
I gave you a glimpse inside my marriage and a glimpse is all you will get. I don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation of why our marriage failed. I purposely gave you one side, an article filled with “I” because that is how I was feeling. I can’t speak for anyone else involved. There are two sides to my story. Feel free to make your own assumptions on why I didn’t this, or why I didn’t do that. You may say I’m selfish. Well, go ahead. That is your right to form an opinion.
I didn’t share my experience to seek validation or receive a popular response. I wrote it down because I still have tough days where I think of how I could have done things differently. I could live in the past all day long and feel sorry for myself. I could sit and wonder if I should have stuck it out a little longer.
I could tell you about how my ex and I had our tough times, how we did try, how much I love my family and how much it hurt me to be honest about my feelings. I could talk about my other reasons that ultimately led to my decision and it wasn’t solely based on “love”. I could be consumed in guilt and wonder if I’m still good enough for my children. I could cry over your judgmental and hurtful comments. But I’m not. You can throw stones and judge me for my past. Bring it. I didn’t write this for you.
I wanted to share my truth in the hope I could reach out to those who are hurting and still grieving in their own way. I wrote my truth for those who have a broken heart and carry the constant guilt and shame for the end of their marriages, no matter who initiated the process. I don’t care why your marriage ended in divorce. We all grieve. We all experience pain and sadness. I wanted to share in my own way that no matter the situation, people make horrible mistakes and can still rise from them. My mistakes do not define who I am as a person, mother, daughter, or friend.
Yes, I have children, two beautiful little ones whom I love with my entire being. As a mother, I will always feel guilt when it comes to them. That is what mothers do no matter the situation. But I do know I am a good mother and will do anything for my babies. You may not agree, but I don’t care. My children ARE happy and that is all that matters to me. My children DID NOT suffer from my decision and they know they are loved by both parents, even if mommy and daddy live in separate homes.
I’m OK with your throwing stones. I’m sure you are perfect and have never made a mistake, no matter how large or small, that affected you or someone else. If you haven’t, I applaud you. Let us put you on a pedestal. But if you have, sit back and think how you felt. Were you remorseful? Do you wish you could take it back? Of course, you do. Did you learn from it? Of course, you did.
The damage is done and there is no taking it back. I am not going to throw out blame and bash my former husband or the man with whom I chose to have an emotional affair. My ex is a good man and I will always love him, even if we are no longer married. As for the other man involved, there is nothing else to say. I can only take responsibility for my actions and learn from my past mistakes. I have grown because of those experiences and now appreciate things from a different perspective.
So, judge away, you are entitled to your opinion. Everyone has something to say behind a computer screen. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the life I was blessed with and spend time with those who love me best.
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Stu here again. I revisited this article after a long time and saw your follow up This time, I say bless you and may you get the joy and happiness you crave and yes, you certainly deserve happiness as you said. Yes, I judged you in the past and am sorry about that. I apologized them immediately and do so again. I am not perfect, no one is. What would God say, I keep asking myself when I judge others and/or fail to be the good human being I try to be. Whatever happens in the future for you is God’s will. In any case, you are a worthy human being and deserves to be left alone to rebuild her life and emotions. Please forgive those who have hurt you and judged you, me included. I pray for you. Bless you!
Just food for thought: The reason people were so angry and judgmental is because your actions, the article and the topic itself BROUGHT out the worst, unimaginable, painful fear WE ALL have, dread and pray it never happens to us! The fear of our spouse/significant other cheating on us, ditching us and running away with another. No one wants to be a victim of that, but some of us humans don’t mind dishing it though (but hate to be on the receiving end)
What you did to your ex and what your ex went through was therefore a soul wrenching thing for people as everyone was subconsciously in fear of that happening to them and having to pick up the pieces of their broken heart… Hence the backlash, judgments, abuse and insults you received. I am not judging or taking sides, just pointing out human nature and why your article was not well received. It is in fact identical to the abuse Carole Anne Riddell and John Partilla received for their op ed in the NY times several years ago, about their story of their “true love as soulmates” after ditching their current spouses. Few empathized with them, but tons of judgment and negative emotions and commentary followed. Again, just stating the facts and not taking sides either way. Just food for thought.