What. A. Whore.
It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if that was one of the many thoughts going through your head as you clicked to read this article. First of all, I do not condone cheating and it is not something I am proud of. It is a terrible thing for everyone involved. But sadly yes, at one point in my life I was The Other Woman.
If you’re like me, you picture The Other Woman a certain way: she’s sexy, voluptuous, physically perfect in every aspect, and on the inside she is this destructive, deceitful, heartless, pre-meditating and calculating demonic bitch who is on the prowl to destroy families for her own selfish gain.
We mostly hear of the husband who is unfaithful. It was uncommon, at least for me, to hear of a woman who stepped out of the marriage. And when I did hear of such a thing, I automatically became judgmental, turned up my nose and questioned how could a woman do such a thing? Well, let me tell you. I’ve been there.
Let me begin by saying I am far from sexy, and can attest that I am not physically perfect, not even close. After two kids, the stretch marks and cellulite are clearly visible. I’m just a mom, an average woman in middle-class suburbia looking to be the best version of myself and the best mother for my kids I can be.
Becoming The Other Woman was not something I strived to become, definitely not a title to put on the good ole resume. I was not calculating my every move and desperately looking to have an affair. I did not “pick” him or decide that I was going to maliciously destroy two families.
I am educated, have a stable career, and financially capable of making it on my own. So, I was not looking for any financial or social gains as a result of becoming involved with a married man.
If you read my last article, it hit me like a ton of bricks. That sounds so cliché, but it is the truth. My best friend of two years, the biggest dork I knew, I fell hard for him. So hard.
Infatuation has this crazy way of making us think we are in love. I remember as a pre-teen I was “in love” with Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Randy Taylor in Home Improvement, swoon!). My collection of Teen Beat pin-ups was proof of that. Of course, raging teenage hormones make us silly.
Fast forward 15 years, it all made sense to me that day when I looked at my best friend and he smiled back at me. It was not infatuation, not in the slightest.
He connected with me on so many levels, something no one had ever done before. The feeling of being loved the same way in return was exhilarating and to me, felt pure and true.
I won’t go into details of the affair. At this point the details do not matter. What’s done is done. What mattered to me at the time was I had truly thought I found someone who connected with me emotionally and wanted to build a life with me. That is what we all want in a partner, no?
I believed it because that is what I was told. I hung on to every kiss, every message and every word. I am a smart woman, but looking back I was stupid and so naïve. I’d even go as far as to say vulnerable and weak. I was thinking solely with my heart, and my brain followed suit.
I am not a liar. The affair did not last long before I spilled my guts to my now ex-husband. I crushed his heart. At the time, I resented him and how I felt so alone in our marriage. But even through all of that I still love him, the person he is, and the kind of father he is to our boys.
I regret hurting him every single day. I regret tearing our family apart. But I do not regret being open and honest with him. At the time, I thought the love that hit me like a ton of bricks was much stronger than the love that seemed to have diminished in my marriage over time.
With time, my ex has forgiven me and we are friends. We co-parent well and we have two happy little boys who are extremely loved. You can say it is the best case scenario given the situation.
If you read my last article, you know that the “love of my life” and I did not work out. The “love of my life” apparently could not sustain the hardships of real life in his eyes. It was all a fantasy to him. This crushed me in that I was willing to go through anything with this man. In my eyes, I had already given up so much and it became apparent I did not mean enough for him to do the same.
Looking back, it is a harsh truth and a hard pill to swallow. Loving someone so much and not getting that back in return is heartbreaking. And for the longest time I felt I deserved it for the pain I had caused others during the heart-wrenching process.
So, let me get to the point. In a 12 month period, I experienced a lot of shit; I had an affair, I divorced my husband, I got dumped, I moved, I started over. Alone.
Emotionally, I was a wreck and I still have days where I feel like I’m failing. But I have learned this: I AM human, I AM NOT perfect, and I DO make mistakes. I am more thankful for what I have and cherish the time I spend with my children. I AM a better person for the mistakes I made.
Being The Other Woman was immoral and so fucking stupid. Love does not conquer all. But I’ve grown to realize even average women like me can fall. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, wanted and needed. Not all women who get wrapped up in affairs are heartless, slutty bitches hunting for unavailable men. Sometimes, shit happens. It is up to us to decide where to go from there.
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This article did not lead me to an understanding of the author or her actions.
I think she’s just trying to say that she learned a lot from her mistakes. And that they didn’t make her a lesser person or define her life.
Our actions do define us. I think her infidelity did make her a lesser person. I’m glad she learned from her mistakes and hopefully she is on her way towards regaining her integrity and trustworthiness.
Our actions define us. I hope the writer is on her way to becoming a person with integrity.
So you weren’t an evil gold digger, you were just “naive”.
if nothing else you were selfish.
As I am in the middle of my divorce. BECAUSE of another woman. .. I’ll just say this.
There is ZERO justification, reasoning, or condoning of (the other woman’s ) actions. We are women. Supposed to be the stronger sex. If you are unhappy in your marriage, man or woman, then divorce and let the ink dry. You met somebody who is your “real” true love while you were married? Ok. Right. Let them be unselfish and WAIT FOR YOU. If they are truly meant to be, they’ll wait for you. PERIOD.
And DON’T EVER SEND ME AN EMAIL WITH THIS AS A HEADLINE AGAIN. THANKS.
I, too, had been the other woman and cheated on my husband. In some ways, it was the best thing I did for myself. It made me realize that I deserved better, but it was still the wrong thing to do. Even though I resented my then-husband on so many levels, he didn’t deserve to be betrayed in the way I did.
Unlike you, I had no expectation that my lover and I would end up being a happily-ever-after couple. It was all for fun.
Any comments that belittle the writer of this article will be deleted. Do not bring into question of her integrity or character. If you wish to discuss infidelity, have at it. Keep negative thoughts about the writer to yourself though.
I applaud you for writing among the wolves. I don’t agree with your wrongdoing, but it sounds like you have learned from what you did and trying to carry on. Keep your head up. Things always get better.
I had an affair, took part in breaking up my mariage and hers, as did she…however, unlike the author, we are both now happily married to one another, have a daughter together, and I can honestly say she was, is, and always will be the love of my life…we found something in each oher we didn’t have before with our exes. So yes, we took the selfish route and decided to leave marriages behind and be with each other, and now have four adults, one daughter, and three step-children who are happier because of it. Would it have really been better to stay in unhappy marriages and try to work on them? Because honestly, I can’t imagine a life without my daughter and shudder to think it could have been a posibility had I decided to work on a bad marriage instead. But what do I know? I’m just the sleazy man in this equation…
Mike, I am happy to hear you and your family are happy and doing well. Through everything that is what matters most. Thank you for your post. I don’t find you sleazy at all, you were just honest. Have a great week!
Yup, you are. Musical families….you before the kids. Brilliant!
And you, Joe, are just a troll. I am sure you are perfect in every way. Give me a break.
Thank you for this article. I wish I was as brave as you to publicly admit how I was so wrong, how I made a terrible decision, how I hurt people I loved.
I would like to remind those compelled to leave negative comments; selfishness does not trump self-righteousness.
We ALL make mistakes and deserve compassion.
Thank you for the kind words, CS. I appreciate you reaching out. Have a wonderful week!
Idiot. Another poor excuse of a person. Do everyone a favor and don’t get married.