I’m overly responsible. I take care, take charge, and take the blame. Giving you my word equates to burning the Ten Commandments into stone tablets. If I say “I’ll do it”, there’s something inside of me that eats away at my soul if I don’t follow through. My word is my bond.
Damn those family of origin issues! Who knew being responsible would be a curse?
It bothers me that I’m separated/soon to be divorced. I feel like I’m going back on MY word. Yes, I know it was Husband #2’s decision to leave, I didn’t control that. But it was my decision to cut contact with the guy I said I’d love through better or worse.
These last two years have definitely been the worst for our relationship.
Like a swimmer stuck in a rip tide, I felt myself being swept out to sea further and further away from the man I thought was a partner. I’m not one for long-distance relationships and knew that my love would fade without his dedication and participation in our “coupling”. Like a plant without water or soil, love eventually dies without care and nutrients. There is no such thing as unconditional love between husband and wife. It is a myth. Everyone has a breaking point.
I know Husband #2 really didn’t have his attention in the game and putting a marriage back together takes 100% commitment from BOTH parties. I don’t blame him. He’s not ready to commit.
He hasn’t done all his work yet. Here’s a not-so-secret secret: self-awareness is incredibly sexy. When your guy says, “I’m not ready yet,” he may very well mean, “I’m not ready to take you on,” instead of, “I’m not ready to give up being single.” He may be wise enough to honor his commitments to himself before he can commit to you. And he may be honorable enough to want to give his best self to you or any partner. He may want to give you a present and a future, instead of the worst aspects of his past. And he may not have dumped all his baggage yet. Did you ever think of that? If a man wants to share his life with you but doesn’t want to burden you with his crap, doesn’t that turn you on? If it doesn’t, it should. ~ 5 Reasons Your Guy Isn’t Ready To Commit – Yet by Good Men Project
I found the above in a recent article here on DivorcedMoms. This is how I prefer to think of Husband #2 – he’s not done percolating yet. And I’m just getting out of his way.
Maybe he’ll never be done. I don’t know. That’s a concern removed from my world. I decided to drop my end of the rope and no longer participate in an empty relationship, one that left me isolated, alone, and feeling controlled.
My parting words to Husband #2, “You’re a very nice man and I love you. But you don’t want to be in a serious relationship with me, which means you’re not the one for me.”
Old Deja would have hung on, trying to prove that I was worthy of love. But that’s one of the difficult lessons I learned from Marriage #1, if they want to go, let them.
I gave things a chance with Husband #2, hence our visits throughout 2014. I didn’t base a long term decision on temporary feelings. I watched, waited, listened, and shared my expectations. I laid bare my deadline and the consequences of each path. And in the end, I chose to honor Husband #2’s decision to leave by no longer participating in a 10% marriage.
That’s what I call it.
Because for the whole 365 days of 2014, we saw each other less than 10% of the time. I rounded up to make it double digits.
In the end, Husband #2 was still unsure about his feelings for me, still not trusting me, and most importantly, still not being his real self around me. I realize he would never be sure so it was time for me to stop dancing with him and walk away.
He wasn’t willing to take a chance on me and I wasn’t willing to spend more of my life waiting for his mind to change.
You know what? It is less lonely being alone.
Sandy Weiner says
It takes courage to walk away from a relationship that is not going to work. I just broke up with the first boyfriend I had in three years. Because “If a man wants to share his life with you but doesn’t want to burden you with his crap, doesn’t that turn you on? If it doesn’t, it should.”
Turned out he was not actively working on his crap. And I won’t take the load anymore. That’s what being a grownup is all about.
Cut the wrong ones loose and the right ones will be able to walk through that door. When you’re ready to get back into the dating world, I’m rooting for you!
Déjà Vow says
Thanks for the encouragement, Sandy. As you can probably tell, I’m making sure to have ALL of my ducks in a row before getting back in the dating pool. This time around, my baggage will be well-labeled, addressed, and honestly presented.
Breakups are hard, especially if you care for the other person. I’m sure you didn’t make your decision lightly. I applaud you for recognizing HIS load and not taking it on as your issue.