I’m currently earning my way in or out of a relationship. The direction really doesn’t matter since the process is the same.
Two of my “self improvement” sources mention earning your way out of marriage before filing for divorce. Both have gone as far as confidently saying that what has been done in the past probably doesn’t even come close to the real work required to earn your way out of a relationship. Somehow those rewarding behaviors of martyrdom, complaining, finger pointing, stonewalling and withdrawing don’t make the list of things to do.
You shouldn’t get divorced until you earn your way out. That means turning over every stone and exploring every avenue of rehabilitation in a sincere effort to reconnect with your partner. ~Dr. Phil
What does this mean to me? What do I need to do to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best? What steps do I need to take to make sure I have no doubts following me into the future?
I’ve got my list in hand:
Let Husband #2 know there’s a problem
This may seem silly since we are separated but I think it’s of paramount importance to let your partner know there is dissatisfaction in your marriage. Withdrawing is not the way to do it. Having a tough, matter of fact conversation before things get dire is the way to go. Early detection is key.
Get help
I’m not talking about marriage counseling, which I think is flawed as it pits one spouse against the other. I’m talking about personal therapy. “Figure out your own fixing”, to quote Mort Fertel. Figure out what you have inside of you that makes you work at odds with your goal of being in a long-term committed relationship. Here’s my list.
Tell Husband #2 my goals and hopes for our future relationship
This part may fall on deaf ears, but at least I will have voiced what I want and expect out of a romantic partner/spouse.
Establish healthy boundaries
By figuring out what I want and what I won’t tolerate, I can make better decisions about the relationships I choose to pursue. A great marriage doesn’t have to be a 100% meeting of the minds, but there does have to be some compatibility when it comes to beliefs and values. I value honesty. Lie to me and you won’t get to spend much time in my life. I’m not talking about the little white lies we tell each other to keep feelings from being hurt…I’m talking about the big lies.
Working on myself
This goes hand in hand with getting help. And includes all those parts of self-improvement outside of personal therapy. Being financially independent, losing a lot of weight, exploring my own interests, and becoming detached from the daily drama are things I’ve been focused on during my time apart from Husband #2.
Being open about my feelings
It’s ok to be sad, disappointed, angry, scared…. I’m more open about my feelings and not worried about Husband #2’s ability or inability to handle them. My feelings are the way I communicate what’s going on inside. There is no stonewalling or withholding allowed.
Setting a deadline for action
I can’t deny the fact that I’m 48 years old and looking at the second half of my life. My age is my wake-up call. I realize that there will be hard decisions to make and setting a window for those decisions helps to keep me on track. My deadline is November. As I promised Husband #2, I would make no decisions until that time.
Attempting to discover solutions that both Husband #2 and I can live with
We all know romantic love dies and that’s when the real work begins. I’m involved with the real work looking at things with fresh eyes and imagination. I am fully aware that this may all be one-sided but, again, it’s what I need to do.
Becoming the best person I can be at this time
No matter what the outcome is with Husband #2 I know that I’ll be a better person coming out of it. As Kazimierz Dabrowski postulated, trauma is often necessary to make large, permanent changes in a person’s personality….the pain creates enough emotional energy to move a person forward in their changes.
All of these things are meant to change me, no one else. And being the better person at the end of the process I may earn my way into a great marriage or out of a unfulfilling one. At least I’ll know I did my best.
Oh my. I remember thinking to myself that I could not walk away until I knew I’d done everything in my power to make it work. I had to be able to leave knowing I’d exhausted every option. I still wish that had worked but since it did not–I have a peace with fewer regrets than many. Wishing you the best.
I think it’s important to recognize that working on your relationship does not mean suffering in silence, quietly hoping that things will get better. It’s more important to call out the problems respectfully, work with your partner, and see if there’s anything to salvage. What I’m doing with Husband #2 right now is rediscovery. Is he still a man that I would consider marrying? Am I still a woman he would consider marrying? His part of the equation is his to deal with. My part is mine to deal with. At the end of it all, I’ll look myself in the eye and know I left no stone unturned.
Thank you for your comment, Kristine.
I think this is the hardest part:
“in a SINCERE effort to reconnect with your partner”
I know many times I’ve thought, why should I even try? How do I know if Husband #2 is giving it HIS sincerest effort?
The thing is, I don’t know his motives. But I can work on my own and that’s the only thing I really control.
You also need to cut yourself a break and realize that a marriage is never going to be a true happy partnership when only one person is working on it or themselves. I hope he is taking steps too. IMO you are running yourself ragged on this self improvement thing, and while it will be good for you to tackle your own demons and know your self better in the long run, it may not be doing a thing to help save your marriage. I think the fact that he left, only communicates at specific times, etc., is him showing you how invested he is. I give you all the respect in the world for how hard you are working, but in my clinical practice I see it all the time. He is like a stone in the center of a circle and you are running around and around him at warp speed trying to make it better. You should be at peace, Deja, you are doing the work and are giving it your all. You must be mentally exhausted.
Thank you for your wonderful concern. I came to the realization a long time ago that nothing I do will change Husband #2’s mind. Nothing. Only he can change it. So I have been using this time to practice bettering myself and working with a distant spouse is part of that practice. As the process continues I’ve been becoming more and more calm, detached and objective. My button pushing takes more than a slight tap now and requires the force of a full on fist slam. Yes, it still happens that I get riled up, but not as easily as I once did. Maybe I’m turning into my own version of a Walk Away Wife? All I know is that I’m getting clearer about what I want and what I don’t want for the second half of my life.
Spring has finally arrived and being out in the garden is good for my soul and optimism. To plant a garden is to have hope in the future.
Thanks for reading, Cuckoo. I can’t wait to read up on your Ex v. Lovah social encounter. Keep it coming, girl.