Separated men don’t typically fare well on online dating sites. That’s because any woman in the know knows how badly it feels to be involved with a man who is emotionally unavailable and, even worse, how it feels to eventually become his rebound relationship – the one from which SHE will never rebound with him. As a counter measure, many men deceptively list their marital status as divorced instead of separated in order to avoid this inevitable kiss of death.
Separated women, however, play by a much different set of rules. The problem is, oftentimes they don’t know that they are even part of a game until it’s too late because they have either been out of the game for so long or, like myself, were never in the game at all because I married young. Instead of playing, these women end up getting played.
It’s true that, like commitment-minded women who avoid separated men, men who are genuinely looking for a long-term relationship will steer clear of separated women. They know well from their own experience the emotional roller coaster the divorce process brings, and that separated women may not be ready for a serious relationship despite truly believing they are.
Unfortunately, there are many men who are all too aware of the benefits that come with dating separated women and see them as moving targets for their womanizing ways. Consequently, separated women unaware of their “street value” may unsuspectingly find themselves duped by players who knowingly take advantage of them or by emotionally unavailable men with a pattern of excited starts and abrupt stops.
Here are five reasons why some men love to date separated women and why these women must be on their guard that the signals they send are, in fact, bringing them the dating prospects they want.
1. Sexual freedom. Remember the girl who lived in your dorm during freshman year of college, the one who grew up with strict parents? The one who began having her very own sexual revolution with guy after guy the minute she was out of her parents’ sight? Well, some separated women aren’t that far off the mark. And, you know what? It’s not only understandable but their right.
After spending a long time in a marriage, one plagued with problems as evidenced by its imminent end, separation often becomes the time for women to rediscover a sexual identity that may have been repressed for years. Remember Thelma and J.D.’s steamy love scene in Thelma & Louise? That said, just because a woman feels sexually charged and invigorated doesn’t mean she is in the market for being used. Female sexuality should never be confused with promiscuity or cheapened morals. All women deserve respect.
2. No pressure. A separated woman is less likely to pressure a guy for marriage (and children) because she’s still legally married and may already have a family of her own. As much as a woman may want to reinvent the wheel with someone new, she remains in legal limbo until her divorce is final. Great for a guy who is tired of a population of women questioning him on a first date if his taxi light is on or when it will be, and the ticking sound of his dinner date’s biological clock.
3. No strings. Separated women may not be ready to commit. The time after a marriage ends is often a time for experimentation. After being in a monogamous relationship with one man for many years, many women see separation as a chance to meet new people, those with backgrounds and interests differing from their own. What outsiders may see as an unlikely pairing could actually become a satisfying relationship because we don’t know always know what we are missing until we find it. Separation provides a perfect opportunity to search.
4. Vulnerability. At the other extreme are women eager to head back down the aisle. Marriage is what they know best, and they are anxious to get it right the second, third or umpteenth time around, despite proclamations of independence and a love of single life. They are counting the days until their divorce is final, and in the meantime looking for the next Mr. Right.
Who they get is often Mr. Right Now, the guy who attentively listens and tells them everything they want to hear, the guy who is too good to be true simply because he is. The smart, pedigreed, sexy guy who shows up enticing his most recent catch with everything from empathy to hot sex, and whatever else was missing from her last relationship. He’s quite the dish and he knows exactly what to dish up because he’s done it so many times before.
5. Get out of jail free. But as that woman soon discovers and when she least expects, her guy will make a break for it. Just when she thinks she has him under lock and key, that her relationship is exclusive because he told her it is (Did she actually check to make sure his profile was not back online? That he wasn’t communicating with and seeing other women?), he bolts and uses HER separated status as the excuse. Your divorce isn’t final. I never saw myself with a ready-made family. I want children of my own. All of which, no doubt, runs contrary to EVERYTHING he said while stealing her heart.
So, what does she do? The only thing she can do – SHE breaks it off with him (for now). After all, she cannot give him what he wants. Because it’s never what he wanted, not for the long haul anyhow. And he? He walks away, ever the good guy. Only to do it again. And again. And again.
Do you date (or not date) people based on their marital status?
Oh man, I avoid them like the plague. When a friend tries to set me up, I always defer ’til later. They don’t know who they are yet and haven’t learned what’s what. They went off the market when the inquiring minds wondered if the carpet matched the drapes and have been released into a world where nobody has carpet anymore and will send a pic to prove it before you even spoken.
At least at first, there is such a sense of entitlement, a lack of understanding of the role that they played in the end of their marraige, and in a lot of ways some don’t really like men (big red flag when they say that you are “one of the good ones” and a huricane warning if they include the word “few”).
As as dad, newly separated moms can do and say some horrible things relating to custody with extreme self confidence. It’s really hard for me to listen to. After things have settled down, they can see things a bit clearer and act in a more mature fashion.
I prefer to wait until reality has set in a bit. At least by then, they will know who they actually are. Also, by then, if we go out once and I decide not to continue pursueing the relationship, I’m not leaving them too or having an affair with who ever I go out with next. It just didn’t work out. Glad to know ya, best of luck in the future.
This article missing the important point…..
Anyone who is married (male or female) should not be playing around outside the marriage.
A “separated” person is still married even in these dark feminist times……
Legally, yes. But every couple is different and many nowadays treat separation as a time to move on from their marriage or, at a minimum, see whether divorce is the option they want. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Ken – I agree – my sister is presently married (to keep her husband’s health insurance and pension income). She lives with a guy that she knew when she was 14 years old. His wife divorced him and got half of his pension and social security – he’s a retired cop. All of a sudden, she is calling her husband every day, cooking for him, etc. My brother knows the same guy when he was 16 years old and doesn’t like him. Meanwhile, she gives me $850 to towards the rent at our house. Sounds to me like she is making sure that she has a place to come back to. The guy she’s going out with is always on Facebook about his business and puts it on public. Meanwhile, someone posted his picture on Facebook and made threats to them. She is not seeking a divorce and doesn’t want one. So….why is she even doing this?
Carla, like you, I am still married but separated for over 3 years because of financial reasons. My ex has moved across the country and has a live in lady and I have dated several guys but do not want any man living with me. To me marriage is totally off the table and I enjoy dating different men, so I wont settle for only one. I have had more great sex in the last 3 years than the whole 21 years that I was married. There must be others like me because I have had many married men ask for dates. My advice to other wives; think long and hard before getting married again!!!
I agree Ken, let’s not “rationaLIES this pagan behavior.
These days seperated women stay married to keep health insurance and income from their husband while dating other men. Its called “Having your cake and eating it too”. After dating other men, do not expect your husband to come back and everything is like before, unless he has been dating also.
my wife and I are still separated she says she’ll find the right man resent age and I going slow were still separated and she wants to have a meet our daughter if things go good she only met him two days ago could be online for a lot longer is it infidelity unfaithful
My husband and I are still married after a six year separation. We decided that staying married was best becuse of financial reasons. He has a full time, live in companion and I do also. The four of us are close friends and even take vacation trips together, which might sound odd to others but being friends is preferable rather than fighting. Our arrangement is perfect as is and staying married is only on paper and the marriage is cut free in all other ways. I feel that mariage these days is quickly becoming a thing of the past for both men and women.
Hi Connie. This doesn’t say if you live in my area but want to say hi and hope we can talk
I live in southern oregon and in my 60’s
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“Female sexuality should never be confused with promiscuity or cheapened morals. All women deserve respect.”
Sorry, “rediscovering your sexuality” in conjunction with no strings and no commitment IS promiscuity and cheapened morals. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Well said G, this is true on both fronts.
Absolutely! I was completely blown away by how promiscuous women are today when I entered the dating world as a separated man a couple of years ago (I have since finalized my divorce). Offers of sex on the first date are unbelievably common. I am sorry ladies, but some men have standards. I am not sleeping with any woman on the first date. That is a surefire way to contract an STD, especially herpes simplex virus (HSV) for which a condom offers little to no protection. One in four women and one on five men are carrying genital herpes either HSV-1 from oral sex or HSV-2 from penetrative sex. For me, it is test or no sex. The most sexually promiscuous women tend to be those without carpet. They have bought into the “hookup” culture.
Hahaha,
I am going thru a divorce, of a relationship of 14 years, and just understood the carpet comment. Duoh! Lol
Yes separated women are an easy target for guys who don’t want a long term relationship.This article reminded me of myself in many ways. I guess I do fall into the player category. This is who I am. Marriage is not in my DNA. I always get bored with the girl no matter how great she is. Most separated woman are just looking for a rebound relationship with nothing serious so its the perfect scenario for both of us.
Ms. Freeman I cam certainly respect yor point of view However Your past has molded a black hart. Separated man dating is immoral becusr its not fair to women due him being emotionally unavailable and he avoids the label to be deceptive. Where seperated woman dating is completely ok because it allows the seperated woman to “rediscovering there sexually identity because it is there right’ “it gives them the opportunity to meet new pepole” Ms. Freeman it is not my place to judge pepole and thete behavior. I simply do not understand how you can view it as right for one but immoral for the other.
I have not commented for while, but the view espoused by the author is all too common; namely, women experimenting during separation is okay while man doing it is not okay. Yet over 70% of divorces are initiated by women. The truth is that if a guy is attractive enough, tall enough, educated well enough, and has enough status (i.e., he has enough “enoughs”), he plays by a different set of rules than most men on dating sites because he is what is known as a 20% man (women focus their attention on 20% of the men on any given dating site). I obtained over 50 first dates during the 15 months I was separated (I could have gone on many more dates, but I dated one women for five months towards the end of my separation). By most definitions, that number of first dates during that short of a period of time qualified me as a “player.” However, even though more than 2/3rds of the women offered sex on the first date, I only slept with one woman because I do not have sex on the first date (as I mentioned in my previous post, that is a surefire way to contract an STD). Maybe, my experience was due to the fact that I had next to zero long-term relationship value; therefore, women only saw me as a desirable man with whom to have a dalliance. However, if anyone believes that women are saints and men are sinners while dating during separation, they are delusional. Most women, even if they list “no hookups” in their profiles, will drop their panties for the right man because women have arousal and comfort needs, which are often not met by one man (men are far less selective when it comes to sex because they are gatekeepers to commitment, not sex). Most women have sex with one kind of man (high arousal) when they are young while marrying a different kind of man (high comfort) when it comes time to settle down. The problem with this scheme is that most women become sexually bored in their marriages, which is the true reason for most divorces. Even if it is buried beneath layers of other stuff, loss of sexual intimacy during marriage is the reason why a large percentage of women become very promiscuous after they separate. I saw the dark side of women during my time on the dating sites. Most men who settle down with a woman from a dating site have no idea as to what their woman did while on the dating sites. Let’s say that the average woman obtains a lot more sex on a dating site than the average man because women focus their attention on the top 20% (they are also the gatekeepers to sex). Being a member of that group, I can tell you that guys in this cohort are killing it.
What I read here is a double standard. If a separated woman wants to date or have sex during separation, it’s called experimentation or
some other BS excuse to cheat (because your still married) and if a guy does it were considered ‘dogs’ or worse. I tried a couple of dating websites to see what the dating world was like after 14 years. When I was direct about what I wanted and didn’t want (namely, sex without strings), I was insulted for being honest. When I answered adds from similar minded females, there was always the implication that more would be required of me. I knew if I lied about my intentions, I could deceitfully get what I wanted, but it would hurt the woman. So I dropped out of these dating sites.
I think not only men need to be honest, but women as well.