We just broke up. I am doing okay, though, so please do not worry about me. The relationship was not long, and I know in my heart that I will be able to recover in time.
He told me he was thinking about me. Wished me sweet dreams on the nights he promised to call but did not. In the end, he asked me if I had disappeared, moved on. I felt it best to not respond, although I know it may sound harsh.
Why be so cold, so seemingly callous? Because, in fact, we never met. Never spoke on the phone, not even once. Ours was a relationship based entirely on texts. Mostly his.
We met online, of course, in the place where “nobody” knows your name (cue Cheers theme song). A chance meeting in cyberspace. He sent me a “Flirt” and I deemed his somewhat normal looking profile the one out of over a hundred I received during my first week on this particular dating website worthy of a response.
The email exchange was brief, kept deliberately short by me. I am not looking for a pen pal and I do not believe in wasting anyone’s time, especially my own. He asked for my number and I obliged.
“Call u tonite,” he promised. “Happy Monday.”
No call followed, however, only an apology text late that night for blowing me off. He “got home really late,” was the chosen explanation.
“Happy Tuesday!” chimed my iPhone early the next morning, Will “try to reach you 6:30-7:30” on the drive home from work.
No call ever came, though, only another text suggesting that a 9 pm call would be too late considering that I have to put my daughter to bed.
“Daughter?” I questioned.
My eldest daughter is in the eighth grade, my second daughter in the seventh, and both rarely fall asleep before 11 o’clock. Funny, I do not recall ever discussing my children’s sleep habits with this stranger.
“Sorry, meant son and daughter.”
Okay… I have two daughters AND a son, jackass. Now you are clearly confusing me with someone else. But I am a good sport, so I suggested that if he wanted to still call around nine, that would be fine. He agreed. But… he never called. Only texted again, this time claiming he was confused. He thought I was supposed to call him!
“Whoops,” he bellowed over text.
This time, I did not respond.
Other texts followed over the next three days, solidifying the relationship that never was. Wednesday was an apology for not texting me all day (“big meeting in Massachusetts”), Thursday was a wish for a “Happy ‘Thump’ Day” (this guy sure likes the days of the week), along with more well wishes for a good day at work (I’m a stay-at-home mom — my work day never ends). And then came Friday, breakup day (“Did u disappear? Move on already?”).
Yes, it was true. I had disappeared. I had moved on. But probably not like he thought. I was not “onto the next,” like so many online serial daters are today. On that day, I moved on to me.
Finding someone special means putting our best foot forward. So, to any man who does not do so? I am happy to say, these days, all I can give you is the boot.
Love this article! I can so relate. I have emailed with guys who disappeared after several volleys. I have dated a guy who texted but seldom called. I used to forge amazing pseudo relationships via text, email and phone. I was practically walking down the aisle with guys I had never met. This was four years ago, when I first started dating after my divorce. I am now a dating coach, and I would never again continue texting with a guy who a) didn’t call and b) didn’t follow through on his word. Chances are, he is a romance scammer. I’ve had one of those, too. You were smart to walk away and kick him to the curb!
All good advice. I definitely have learned my lesson the hard way (see my post, The Gift of Infidelity, at https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/middleagedman-ia/the-gift-of-infidelity–how-one-mans-deceit-changed-my-life). Thank you so much for reading!
I think that there is a forged intimacy (love that turn of phrase) with online dating in general, in many cases.
I have had men say that they are falling for me, before we have ever met. I have had men tell me “I know just what you’d like” before we’ve met (just for the record, they were usually wrong). I’ve had men who want to go back and forth on email, text, or chat, with all kinds of sweet nothings. It’s all false. I truly, deeply believe that the only way that I can create a meaningful relationship with someone romantically is in person. I’ve felt “connections” with men I’ve never met, but in person, those have not yielded the same feelings. Lesson learned!
I had a rebound relationship last year that was mostly lovely, but in hindsight I recognized that a lot of our communication, even our endearments, was over text. It created a falseness that, I think, was more out of longing than out of bad intentions, but it was false nonetheless. I actually think that we were better over text than in person, which is quite comical. If I wanted a text boyfriend, I would have kept him around, but I want something more real than that. 🙂
But regardless of whether it’s over text or the telephone or in person, anybody who starts a relationship with a series of misses and forgetfulness and overschedulings and canceled ‘dates’ is not someone I’d spend time with, either. Thanks for the reminder!
I had one of those too. He was really cute and fun, but he would promise to text and then wouldn’t. He would also try to convince me to send risque pictures of myself. (Not my style). After inviting me to meet for July 4, then cancelling (or just never even texting me) because he was supposedly feeling depressed, I gave up. Of course, then he started upping his game. Too little too late! It was for the best! I had a bad feeling about him and his attitude when trying to convince me to send pics. I have learned what to NOT out up with through this whole ordeal but dating is alot different than when I got married! He has tried to text and email for 9 months after I said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I think he finally quit. 🙂