The main reason I started this blog in the first place was to have a safe space to share the reality of separation and divorce and provide a landing space for other women like me. To tell someone, “You are not crazy. You are not an asshole. You are not alone.” I’ve been playing it pretty safe for the most part by writing about books and movies and road trips, but I feel like I just need to ramble a bit today. A little writing therapy. Get some stuff out that someone else might desperately need to hear coming from a kindred spirit.
I wrote a post on distant parenting and how I’m handling it and it was overall a very positive post. Then I wrote one about my biggest fears and it was pretty honest but carefully worded and edited. And considering that my parenting is a dominating force in my life, it shouldn’t be surprising that it’s on my mind again.
I. Am. Torn.
I love my daughter with every once of blood that pumps through my heart. She bewitched me the moment I laid eyes on her. Let me make it very clear how happy I am with my new love, in my new city, in my new house… but still I am haunted. I hear taunting voices in my head, “What kind of mother leaves her child?” It’s in those terrifying moments that I feel a literal pain in my chest. I picture my heart contracting, squeezing it’s eyes shut saying, “Shut up, shut up, shut up.”
It hurts.
But I remind myself how unhappy I was in my marriage, and wonder what I was teaching my ever-perceptive teenager about love and commitment and life. I remind myself that I am now showing her how to make choices for herself, to choose happiness when it comes her way. She is living with a really great dad. He might not have been the best husband for me, but that doesn’t make him a bad father. He loves her, makes good choices for her and guides her well. His new girlfriend absolutely loves her, purposely spends time with her and never says anything dishonoring about me. She has a strong group of friends, attends the church she’s grown up in, is excelling in school. I have in no way left her wanting…
except that she still wants me. And then the pain hits again.
She just spent the weekend with us for the first time. There were some awkward times and I cried more than I’d ever admit to her. There were also some very encouraging moments, like when she, boyfriend and his two girls and I sat around the campfire and made s’mores. And when she said she enjoyed sitting in the tattoo shop because it was a cool place to hang out. There were other times that hurt. Like when she didn’t seem to want to be around us, and when I held her as she cried and said she “wanted her old life back.”
What do I do with all these feelings?
I share them with boyfriend when it seems like the right time, but it scares him. Makes him think I want to leave and go back home to her. And, frankly, that has come up. I’ve said a couple of times that I’m going back, because I’m so split-minded on what I want. I tell him I can’t do it anymore, and then my heart squeezes it’s eyes shut and says, “Shut up, shut up, shut up.” Because I can’t do that either. Can’t leave the only man I’ve ever been in love with. Can’t drag my heart away from the other side of the country.
So I hug her and kiss her soft cheeks and pink hair and watch her disappear into an airplane. I let the tears drip because I don’t care about the strangers smiling sympathetically. I float back into the arms of the man who loves me desperately.
I smile and cry and stumble and learn.
Can I make a suggestion? Given your situation and how sporadically you will see your daughter, perhaps now is not the time to focus on blending a fanily, but rather a time for you to focus solely on her.
Next visit, just have it be the two of you. Unless I am misunderstanding how often you will be with her, you need to make sure she is your clear and only priority for the near future.
Your clear and only priority when you are together. That is what I mean.
It seems like you wanted to play happy family — when what your daughter likely needs and wants is just to be with you.
Unless her visits are going to be regular — like every other week — you need to put her needs first.
Alice, do you feel better now that you’ve told someone what they need to know? How do you know what she does when she is with her daughter? Instead of making assumptions about her mothering, you may want to keep your instructions about how she should behave with her child to yourself next time.
Cathy
My advice was a reaction to what was written here.
She just spent the weekend with us for the first time. There were some awkward times and I cried more than I’d ever admit to her. There were also some very encouraging moments, like when she, boyfriend and his two girls and I sat around the campfire and made s’mores. And when she said she enjoyed sitting in the tattoo shop because it was a cool place to hang out. There were other times that hurt. Like when she didn’t seem to want to be around us, and when I held her as she cried and said she “wanted her old life back.”
My sense is that this distance is all very new both to the author and her daughter. And rather than force a blended family on her daughter right now, perhaps it is more important to “make up for lost time” and focus strictly on her daughter.
Alice, I will admit that I got pretty bristled at your comments when I first read them. But I’m willing to step back and think about what you said. After much thinking I will at least remind you that you are only reading a short blurb about a very complex situation, and I spent much time focusing just on her. Responding to other people’s blog posts is important, but you and I have never had any correspondence before and your first interaction with me was to give advice that wasn’t asked for. Having said that, I can humble myself enough to examine my motives when she is here next.
What about your daughter’s feelings. You seem wrapped up in the way you are feeling. What about her feelings?!?! She visited you for the first time and you had so little concern for her adjustment and feelings that you introduced her to a man and his children that she doesn’t know. I agree with Alice below, your daughter’s feelings and needs should be your main concern.
To be fair, this was a post meant to explore my feelings.
Nobody on your position can judge you, I totally understand you, I feel your pain, I am not there yet but for circumstances of my life I will.
Thanks, Lily. It’s easy to judge, hard to walk in another person’s shoes.
This is so encouraging. Thank you so much!
You and Glennon are so right about walking through the pain to get the prize. Years after my divorce I finally married again. Deep down I knew I was settling .. Now this marriage is ending. I stayed in my comfort zone to avoid the pain of splitting up–then I said “I do” … I will be judged by people, I’m sure. But I know it’s the only thing I can do to be free of a toxic environment. Only you know what is best for you…. And FYI, I also moved away temporarily the first time, and parented from a distance for a while, due to employment issues.. My children turned out fine and with today’s technology, it’s a very “hands on” approach – just like being there! Almost anyway 🙂
This is so encouraging… thank you!