I think I may have been unkind and set someone else up to fail this week. Are my standards unreasonable? Am I unkind? Let me explain.
When I finally decided that it was time for me to start dating after my first divorce, I dated quite a bit. I had the luxury of my mom living in the home, and although she had her concerns about internet dating, she certainly understood that I was hurt, and lonely, and far too young to be alone for the rest of my life.
During that time, I met a gentleman that I dated a couple of times. Actually, I met him at the same time that I met my second husband. Because I still tend to have and try to keep some traditional values, albeit subjective traditional values, I don’t think I would feel comfortable sleeping with two guys at the same time. So, I chose poorly, and chose my 2nd husband. Hard to say why I made that decision now. In retrospect, and BFF and I just had this conversation (The night before the wedding, to this day, she wishes she was more up front with me about her feelings. She did not feel that I should get married to him.) Maybe it was because I met him first? Maybe it was because he was seemingly so different from my first husband. Maybe I was just borderline certifiable. I don’t know because clearly it was a MISTAKE that ended up with a bloody face.
I told this gentleman, let’s call him Ben (also not his real name), he was quite sad. He really liked me. He called me endearing names like Sunshine, and really was a nice guy. Through the years, almost 8 by now, Ben has reappeared. He periodically texts me and asks what’s up. He asks cute questions like “Are you still married?” He has appeared at some really odd times, like when I was on a first date with this dude.
The last time he appeared, was right after the passing of my mother. He wanted to come over; he wanted to help in any way he could. I sent him away, believing that my sadness gave me the right to be unkind. Strangely enough, Jack Rabbit dude also resurfaced at this time as well. It was as if the Cosmos were somehow upset by my mourning.
I was unkind to both of them. Jack Rabbit Guy was sent away because he somehow suggesting that I needed to feel better by “relaxing”, which translated to sex, and a blow job for him. I asked how giving him a bj was going to make ME feel better. Strangely, I have not heard from that winner since then;)
Somehow, though, Ben’s injection into my mourning was different. He felt badly. He wanted to help. He was sincere. He seemed to live in some sort of hope, that he would have a second chance at a relationship with me, but knew it wasn’t happening. Because of that, his offers were friendly, and more importantly, sincere. I believed him, but sent him away anyway. My grief was personal, and I had no desire to share it. The loss of my mom hit me hard.
As time passed, and my grief faded, I was reminded of my poor behavior. I messaged Ben on one of his favorite ways to find me, and said Hi. He immediately texted me, and asked how I was doing. He seemed to not have a memory of my tone or manner the last time we interacted. His message was as follows:
Are u ok. Now feeling better?
It’s OK thanks for the apology.
We all go through shit. Hows life now? Kids good?
You doing better?
It was perfect; it’s a shame I am not perfect. I still have no trust.
He asked if I was still as “sexy” as ever, and if I might be interested in “getting together.”
I told him that I really only contacted him to apologize, and that I really wasn’t looking to date again.
He kept chatting, and I broke down. We agreed to a drink, though scheduled nothing. He offered dinner. I still have Exit Plans on my mind.
BFF and I had a long chat about this; I shared his picture. We laughed at my history of poor choices. My lovely BFF is still with her high school bf. I envy her. It isn’t always perfect, but they each know that the other is in each other’s corner, so to speak. We discussed the need for companionship. She knows my inability to trust. She wanted me to give it a try.
Maybe she is right. I don’t know.
So, here is the bitch in me, or maybe not. I wonder what others think. I need BFF to read this.
I tested him. Everyone claims to be different. He never claimed; he just seems different. He has been trying to connect with me for about 8 years. BFF says maybe he is just a “good guy”. My brain says that there aren’t any out there. I answer her, maybe, but really don’t believe it.
Back to “the test”. For me, Monday of this week was a “bitch” of a day. Not the subject of this post, maybe another, but it was a greatly stressful day. Feeling sad, and lonely, I texted Ben. How should he respond. His response was fast. I said I was just saying “hi, and that I had a horrible day.” He said he would call me in 5. He was driving.
I told him that I could not talk because I was working. His response was ” OK Sunshine. I hope the day gets better”. Chat soon.
At this point, I have not heard from him. I know I will, but there is that part of me that expected a message later.
In my mind, he failed my test. His response was perfect, but where is he now? Even typing this feels silly.
What I want to say to him, is that “I gave you the chance to prove that you are different than everyone else”, but you are no different. YOU FAILED THE TEST.
Do I have the right to set someone up that way? There were so many instances during the times that I spent with my second husband, through marriage and dating where he felt that he needed to remind me that he “isn’t my first husband, so don’t confuse us.” Unfortunately, he was just a different kind of bad seed.
Did he fail the test, or do I not have the right to expect anything? I have put this guy through the ringer for almost a decade now. My logical side knows that. My heart is ruined.
Are the two to forever be in conflict?
I have never done this before, but here goes. Here is my text with BFF:
Virginia: read and comment when you have a chance http://bit.ly/1IDv92N
BFF: That was good! I think that you are asking a bit much from any man, lol
They just don’t think like we do You said you couldn’t talk so he moved on lol 😊
Virginia: but he forgot, lol
BFF: because men don’t get hints
you have to ask Can you call me later? Now I bet he would have lol He’s been lurking for 8 YEARS
LOL I am pretty sure, he keeps trying but min. hope considering all the years lol