I know most everyone thinks that their ex is really bad, but mine is seriously crappy. My baby daddy has done some straight up illegal crap, like hiding ALL our money offshore and making false police accusations against me to gain primary custody when he hadn’t cared to change a single diaper before then. Trust me, I think that he deserves all the punishment due to him. After all, if he went to jail, my girls would realize what a supermom I’ve been taking care of us so calmly and ably through this crap storm. I deserve a freakin’ medal. YES! Unfortunately, the crimes he committed were in a third world country and the prisons over there are… well, truly traumatizing. What kind of a mother would I be if I had their father jailed right? Gosh it’s sooooo tempting though!
As any woman might do, I call my handful of reinforcements. The first girlfriend says, “Oh come on, that piece of sh*t needs to face up to what he’s done! You’ve got to fight him! We have to get your children back and get your money back. He can’t get away with this!” The other girlfriend says, “You need to gather evidence, hire a detective, contact our courthouse friends and pull out all stops until you win this thing” and, as a mother, I want to say, “I’m not giving up on my girls. I’m not letting this happen to us!” But the sad reality is that it has already all happened to us. It has happenED. Past tense. And no amount of court documents and decisions are going to make up for the damage that’s been done and the years stolen. I thank the stars that I came across the Dr Deena Stacer videos this week – she knows what she’s talking about.
It’s been three years of fighting, three years of trying to outmaneuver someone with a blaring personality disorder. If I keep fighting for justice and custody, it will easily be three more years if not 10. I am now faced with the decision King Solomon had to face but, this time, with my own babies. Talk about nauseating! If you’re unfamiliar with the story: Two women came before King Solomon fighting over a baby. Both of these women had babies of the same age and one woman’s baby died in the night. This woman took her dead baby and switched it with the other womans baby, but when the second woman awoke, she recognized that it was not her baby that had died. King Solomon when faced with the ownership decision told the women that he would simply cut the baby in half to share it equally. The real mother then pleaded for King Solomon to let the baby live while relinquishing her claim to it. King Solomon knew then who was the real mother was. In this case, I must choose between fighting for my rightful primary custody and support while subjecting them to conflict or option B, a life without court battles and fights for my girls while their father hold us all hostage.
For the past few years I’ve thought that it was my duty to fight for truth and justice, while trusting in the court system to search out the truth once the facts were presented to them. Of course they want justice, right? Wrong. They want ease and simplicity. They want your case to disappear so they can get onto the 14 other cases they are trying that day. If your children don’t have medically certified bruises and are still in school, they’re fine wherever they are. Period. And the experts who are supposed to uncover in a time span of three hours that your baby daddy has a mental illness won’t. They haven’t lived with him for 12 years.
Now after so much (so much!) reading about divorce and the effects on children, it’s evident that the amount of time you actually have custody has very little bearing on their development. It’s always quality over quantity and quality is best presented when the parents are positively focused and calm. The biggest problem, other than blatant abuse, by far is conflict. And the toll of this conflict is widespread. The price paid for continued battling engagements is insecurity and a loyalty civil war within the child at the very least. It’s the constant fatigue and stress that resonates through the family’s daily activities. It’s all the times their mothers brain was occupied on the court documents instead of on their smiles. It’s the energy taken away from building a better life. It’s the constant revival of the divorce fire that burns our very minds. It’s the financial burden of fight costs and hours not spent working. It’s the time in limbo waiting instead of planning. It’s the newly developed PTSD at every phone call or email received, knowing that your life can change at the drop of a dime over and over again. It’s the cost of waking up from court-land six years later to find that your children are teenagers and driving away. How much am I willing to pay for truth and justice? I’m not sure.
We are now in mediation and this is the week. It’s the week I decide whether to launch the full arsenal or bring out the peace pipe. And here are my options: (1) Fight for custody: carry on with the divorce trial, continue my lawsuit for defamation, and officially file charges in the third world which would take down his company and require him to appear in court over there (he would be found guilty). In other words, WWIII or, (2) Agree in mediation to 50 percent custody and a fraction of the marital assets while remaining trapped in a country town where only 37 percent of the population graduated high school. No joke. YEP. This is the week. Do I push the red button and face the destruction? Could I ever be truly vindicated?
I believe that the answer is no. Even if I win back custody and move to a city with career opportunities, even if my children realize what a dick he’s been, even if I get my rightful half of assets, even if the judge finally sees the web of lies he’s spun, even if he sits in jail, ill the wrongs ever be righted? No. It would still be all wrong and broken. The children would be heartbroken. The children love their crazy papa. He’s still their dad.
- Conflict, not Divorce, Affects Children of Divorce: Study
- High Conflict Divorce And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship
- Negotiating With Someone Incapable Of Negotiating