My Role In The Death Of My Marriage

It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. Do you believe in this?

When my husband of 14 years told me in the car in October 2013 that our marriage was done, I felt like a victim. It was a four hour drive from the airport as I was returning from an overseas trip visiting my oldest daughter. I sobbed uncontrollably for the entire ride home. I had him stop so I could vomit from being so upset over the news. Not once did he come in the gas station and check on me. I made him stop again at his workplace so I could gather what was left of my dignity before we walked into our home. He acted uneasy as I sat at his office (he was the GM) and tried to catch my breath. Now I know why he wanted to leave his workplace so quickly – he was having an affair with a married co-worker. Do you feel sorry for me? I am sure you do. Now allow me to tell you the rest of the story.

We were set up on a blind date in May 2000. We both fell madly in love with each other and moved in together six months after meeting. A year later on October 26, 2001, we married. I loved him so much, more than I ever thought I could after my first marriage ended after 9 years. I really believed this would be my last and we would grow old together. We had 5 children, he had two sons and I have three daughters from our previous marriages. It was rough having a blended family but we made it work.

In the fall of 2003 I noticed changes in my husband. For example, he changed the way he dressed and he was very short tempered with me. He was not the same man I married or fell in love with. He was married to his job and stressed out because of his work. When I asked him if anything was wrong he always said, “You wouldn’t understand.”

I was the social one in our relationship and he was quiet, preferring to be by himself. Knowing his dislike of talking to people, I was taken aback when I saw on our phone bill that he had called a number on his cell for over 300 minutes in one month. My husband kept very good records and I remembered he had talked to me about a young couple with three small children that he had finished a house for shortly before this time. I pulled his portfolio from our home office and sure enough there was the number of that couple. Back then if you dialed *67 you could block a number so caller ID would not be able to identify it, although this caused a charge. That charge appeared on our bill several times.

I decided to approach him and, of course, he denied that there was anything inappropriate, and said I was crazy and I had low self-esteem. According to him, I needed help. I confided in my mom because my father had a long standing affair when I was 18. I had already moved out of the house but I watched it destroy my parents’ 21-year marriage, my younger sister, and my mom who became anorexic. I knew the signs and now my heart was sinking.

Then I actually met this woman at a bar – my husband asked if we could meet this couple because they were looking for friends who also had kids, and I agreed. The wife showed up without her husband, and I watched as my husband was all over her at that bar. I was heartbroken.

My oldest daughter saw my ex-Navy fiance at a grocery store and told him what was going on. He contacted me and I tried to ignore him as I knew I was vulnerable at that point. After catching my husband with this other woman a second time, and with the way he was treating me, I caved in and saw my Navy boy. We slept together and kept in contact for months. To make it worse, my middle daughter caught us together, and told my oldest. My secret was out. They never told my husband and for that I was grateful.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. I had no regret, until I was caught. Getting caught by my children for doing the same thing they condemned my husband for was demeaning. I should have never met up with him, especially in my emotional state. There is no excuse or any apologies I can make. My secret came out in 2013 after my husband’s second affair. I was angry and my kids said I needed to tell him. It doesn’t make me feel better because he knows. And by the time I told him, he didn’t care because by then he had made his bed with his married co-worker.

My husband ended our relationship in a shitty way by ending it in the car. However, I forgave him for the affair. I was no better than he was, and I know that. I have not dated since we split. I can’t. I valued our marriage once we got through the shit, as my mother says.

Don’t feel sorry for me.

Don’t follow in my footsteps.

And never seek out a former love when you’re down. If I could turn back the clock, I would have divorced my husband after the first affair and never sought out my ex. I also know I am not a victim, I am just someone who has been there. An affair is an affair. Period. There is no good excuse. I played a role in our marriage ending, I allowed the affairs and my unhappiness to destroy me and who I was. Never again.

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