You look down at your hand. There is no longer the sign of a flashy ring or marks from where your wedding ring used to be. You have taken back your maiden name and excelled in your career. You have dedicated your life to becoming closer to your kids and grandkids. You no longer have to share your bed or ask permission to go out after work or take an unplanned trip. You have cried and been angry and grieved over your marriage. You now see light at the end of the tunnel and your life is great!
Wrong!
My separation took place in October, 2013. It was a total shock to my system. I had no idea our marriage was going to end after my 6,000 mile journey to Japan to visit my daughter. We were not fighting. We were not arguing. We had not talked of splitting or about any concerns. We had a very normal marriage, or so I thought. Then the car ride to my doom, the reminder from a scene from Sex and the City where Burger broke up with Carrie via a post it note. My husband of 13 years tells me we are done.
My heart and soul were crushed. Then to find out he was having an affair was an even tougher blow to my system. I had asked him many times in those few weeks before finding out if he was cheating. He would yell and tell me he was not having an affair. The lies, deceit, and the wasted time, all gone. And yet here I was with my broken heart.
I will never understand how this affair, this woman he told me had feelings for, ended. But it did. Shortly after Christmas he told me they were no longer together. My heart was skipping. Do I take him back?
That hope was destroyed along with my dreams of having an honest husband. He then told me he was dating. I was shocked. Here was this man who lied to me for several months about an affair with a co-worker and now he is dating while this coworker is still working with him.
Boundaries. We all have them. Which ones am I willing to allow past my heart and which ones can I not? If you would have asked me this months after the split, there were no boundaries. I loved him. I cried out of loneliness for him. I missed him. Even with the cheating I could not turn off my heart. He was still calling me or texting me and I know now that was half the issue. I needed to have stronger boundaries and I didn’t if for any reason except for myself.
I have a lot of boundaries now. My heart is guarded. While I realize I am not safe and it certainly is possible for a person to come in my life and hurt me again, I am trying to avoid that. I have not dated. Not one person. Not even so much as a coffee date since my split. My marriage has not yet legally ended which is a small reason for my decision. I truly feel the larger reason is that I am trying to guard my heart. I don’t want to experience that pain and the tears again. I feel like a strong, independent woman. Yet, at that same time, I cringe everytime I go to the mailbox knowing that the final divorce date will be here soon. I have to see him. I have to be near him. That is going to be the hardest thing since the split.
Boundaries. I have been great with keeping no contact with him the last several months. It’s been hard. I wanted to tell him about my grandkids, my Aunt dying, my upcoming surgery. But I can’t. I won’t. He doesn’t deserve me and he has proven that. My boundaries or what I call rules now are very strict. In fact, my youngest daughter said, “You know, Mom, there is no guy out there like that.” She may be correct and I am okay with knowing that I may be alone until the day I die. I know in my heart I am not truly alone. I have a sister, friends and a wonderful family network.
My boundaries are already set. I don’t want to date a man with small children. I am over that. All my kids are grown and I am not willing to delay my plans to find a sitter for small children. I want a man who is honest. I mean, let’s be frank. Everyone lies. But if I so much as catch him in even a small lie, he is out and it’s over. He will not meet my kids or know where I work for a very long time. I don’t need the surprise lunches or him popping into my employer. I would rather wait to see where the relationship is going. I don’t want to deal with his family, children or ex issues. That’s baggage. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I will not tell my sad story about my last marriage and I would prefer not to hear his. The man in my life needs to make a decent living. I don’t want one to support me but I refuse to support him in any way financially. I have a nice home, car and a lifestyle and I am able to help out my daughters and grandkids. I will not support a man. I also will not put my children second ever again. No man will come into my life and I give up my world while he works 7 days a week and whines that he doesn’t feel like he fits into my life. I speak for MADD, I am an animal rescuer and I am active in a lot of charities. Those come first unless I truly want to put him come first. I did that once. It got me nowhere and unappreciated. I will not do it again. Fear has made me strict and I am keeping it that way.
If there is such a man out there for me then he will be there someday. I can wait. I have all the time in the world. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy just being me, boundaries and all!
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After my husband of 34 years walked out of our marriage 18 months ago, without a clue to me that he was unhappy, and nothing was ever said, it has taken me some time to discover who I am, what I lost in this long-term marriage, what I want and most importantly-what I don’t want.
At age 57 years old, and married at the young age of 23, and him 22, no one really knows who they are, what type of person best suits them. I’m at extrovert, type “B” personality, and my husband is an introvert, shy, no friends around him during our marriage, except me, and type “A” ersonality. I recently told my husband who I am soon divorcing, that “my lack of friends in our relationship and marriage was “detrimental” to my personality, and he said “I know”. Wow.
After sigining up on dating sites, and finding men truly disrespectful to me, and women in general, with surnames like “major orgasm”, I decided that online dating is definitely not for me at all. Do want it, or need it. The age group of the over 50+ years seem to have so many issues that I don’t want to deal with them at all. After such a long term marriage, supporting all my husbands’ careers, dreams, goals, aspirations, cooking, cleaning, moving due to his over 20+ years in the military and 9 years in the corporate world, plus many more careers, I forgot what I need, and want, or dream of.
Whe such a traumatic event happens in your life, like abandonment, it takes years to repari yourself, to find out what makes you happy again. I’ve had to reclaim my creative, bubbly side of me, friends I lost during my married life, yet really never lost them at all. As they say, time does heal all wounds, and patience is a virtue too.
So, pretty soon within this year, I will divorce “what’s his face” and know he can never hurt me again, and I will continue to be the loving, giving, and happy person again that I was supposed to be.
You should read the book called “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband walked out of their 21 year marriage, announcing one day, out of the blue, it was over.
As soon as my husband left our 34 year marriage on September 16, 2013, I was so lost, shocked, devastated, and felt like the floor beneath me had given way. After reading the many stories in Dr. Stark’s book, I began to realize I didn’t deserve to be treated this way, and it was “his” issues that he left, not mine. Through my reading how to begin again after investing so many years of my life in support of his made me very angry, becvause my being close to 60 years old, I felt he sucked up so much of my life, and we don’t live forever either.
The best part of Dr. Stark’s book is to love yourself again, don’t jump into another relationship, love leaving the toilet seat down, eating what and when you want, try things you always wanted to do, but didn’ while in your marriage, and soon, no time frame at all, we will come out on the other side better and more vibrant than before, older, and wiser too for going through such pain.
All the best and keep your heads up too.
Thank you Deborah for your wonderful comments on my story above. My recent split (2013) from my husband affected me much the same as yours in your comments. It is refreshing for me to write my story as part of my therapy and to also be able to converse with others who have been through similar experiences. My mom, who is 70 years old, split from her husband, my step dad, 5 years ago and she has never looked back. She has not dated and she is fine with that. Her life now surrounds playing Bunco and taking care of my aging grandmother and she accepts that life and is very happy. The one thing I didn’t learn after my previous split, not my recent one, was exactly what you said, taking time out for me. I was always so concerned about being alone and needing that person in my life. Funny my soon to be ex said to me when he realized last year I was alone, I hope you find your happiness. I looked at him and laughed. I said what is your definition of happiness. He was always keeping a journal and he made a power point I found on his computer of things he wanted to change in his life. One was finding a woman who looks like something off the cover of Playboy. I am a part time print model, you figure it out. (His mistress was far from Playboy body) I saw that as his unhappiness within himself to always be searching for a person to fullfill his life. He thinks without someone by his side he is unhappy. He has not taken any time since our split to take time for himself since the affair with the mistress and then he said he was dating. He too has very few to no friends other than his coworkers and is very much an introvert. I was hurt since our divorce wasn’t final to hear of him dating after the affair. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who have said to me that I deserve better and I will be the one coming out on top. I know that but at times it still hurts. I am hoping with our final court date and time he will no longer cross my mind. We have no children together so that is one blessing that I do not have to have contact with him. I did cut out all contact even with him wanting to be friends about six months ago. I can not be friends with a person I can not trust and know will only do this again. That is just another part of his control over me and I don’t want it or need it. He is not an evil person as I made him out to be in the beginning of our problems, I too was a cause of some of them and I know that. Just knowing I was able to at least admit that, apolgize and better myself helps me to heal and to know I am a better person because of it. I went on the online dating sites which I have written an article to be published later about my experience.
I do think our ex’s know what they did. It bothers me at times wondering if mine even thinks about me or misses me. I have to get over that because it truly doesn’t matter. Is it going to make me happier to know he is? Even if he tells me he is can I trust that he is being honest? I highly doubt honesty after the many years of his chronic lies, the truth would ever come out of his mouth.
I have m two of them have my two granddaughters. I also still remain in contact with my two step sons and one is married with two children. I am grateful for that. He remains in no contact with my children even though I told my children they were fine to have any contact with him they so chose. It’s his loss.
I certainly will pick up that book. It sounds like an interesting read for sure!
So glad you are able to finally breathe. Leaving my bras hanging on door knobs, waiting a few days to shave my legs, not having to make excuses for my 20 year old who lives with me, dropping everything to hop in my car and travel to any place I wanted, has been great for me. I never realized how much I allowed his control. I finally am able to breathe and it’s a wonderful feeling. I get lonely sometimes which I know is a normal reaction but then I realize how very happy and blessed I truly am.
Thank you Deborah for your wonderful comments on my story above. My recent split (2013) from my husband affected me much the same as yours in your comments. It is refreshing for me to write my story as part of my therapy and to also be able to converse with others who have been through similar experiences. My mom, who is 70 years old, split from her husband, my step dad, 5 years ago and she has never looked back. She has not dated and she is fine with that. Her life now surrounds playing Bunco and taking care of my aging grandmother and she accepts that life and is very happy. The one thing I didn’t learn after my previous split, not my recent one, was exactly what you said, taking time out for me. I was always so concerned about being alone and needing that person in my life. Funny my soon to be ex said to me when he realized last year I was alone, I hope you find your happiness. I looked at him and laughed. I said what is your definition of happiness. He was always keeping a journal and he made a power point I found on his computer of things he wanted to change in his life. One was finding a woman who looks like something off the cover of Playboy. I am a part time print model, you figure it out. (His mistress was far from Playboy body) I saw that as his unhappiness within himself to always be searching for a person to fullfill his life. He thinks without someone by his side he is unhappy. He has not taken any time since our split to take time for himself since the affair with the mistress and then he said he was dating. He too has very few to no friends other than his coworkers and is very much an introvert. I was hurt since our divorce wasn’t final to hear of him dating after the affair. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who have said to me that I deserve better and I will be the one coming out on top. I know that but at times it still hurts. I am hoping with our final court date and time he will no longer cross my mind. We have no children together so that is one blessing that I do not have to have contact with him. I did cut out all contact even with him wanting to be friends about six months ago. I can not be friends with a person I can not trust and know will only do this again. That is just another part of his control over me and I don’t want it or need it. He is not an evil person as I made him out to be in the beginning of our problems, I too was a cause of some of them and I know that. Just knowing I was able to at least admit that, apolgize and better myself helps me to heal and to know I am a better person because of it. I went on the online dating sites which I have written an article to be published later about my experience.
I do think our ex’s know what they did. It bothers me at times wondering if mine even thinks about me or misses me. I have to get over that because it truly doesn’t matter. Is it going to make me happier to know he is? Even if he tells me he is can I trust that he is being honest? I highly doubt honesty after the many years of his chronic lies, the truth would ever come out of his mouth.
I have three daughters, two of them have my two granddaughters. I also still remain in contact with my two step sons and one is married with two children. I am grateful for that. He remains in no contact with my children even though I told my children they were fine to have any contact with him they so chose. It’s his loss.
I certainly will pick up that book. It sounds like an interesting read for sure!
So glad you are able to finally breathe. Leaving my bras hanging on door knobs, waiting a few days to shave my legs, not having to make excuses for my 20 year old who lives with me, dropping everything to hop in my car and travel to any place I wanted, has been great for me. I never realized how much I allowed his control. I finally am able to breathe and it’s a wonderful feeling. I get lonely sometimes which I know is a normal reaction but then I realize how very happy and blessed I truly am.
Thank you, and us women need to support each other during these times.
My soon-to-be ex will get his soon. What goes around, does come back around-and bite them eventually. Just last week, my husband called me since he lives in another state, telling me he has been supporting me financially for 18 months since he left me. He said I will get half his military pension (about $1400 a month + his social securty when he dies). But….. I told my narcissist husband,— no… I get “spousal maintenance or alimony”, and he said “why is that”? That’s when I blasted him telling him emphatically, “I gave up my life in total support of your life, didn’t work, raisied our 2 speciall education sons, worked and helped him acheive ALL his goals desires, and dreams: his being Naval enlisted to Naval Officer retiring after 20+ years, coprotate IT consultant for 8 years, our ownership of a Mr. Handyman franchise that went bust after one year, his real estate brokerage in which I helped him get his leads, and moving, moving and more moving, never having friends or family neary for support, washing, cleaning, cooking, ironing, and general making our ramily llife run as smoothly as possible while he was gone or even home.
I just informed my husband of 34 years, that our son, our youngest or 24 years in officially mentally disabled per the government, and now gets SSI, So, when he asked my why I wasn’t working, I let him know the reason why. He knew our youngest had many problems groowing up, with social anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and read and comprehended in 9th grade at the 5th grade reading level, and in fact, I had to home school our son.
So, I feel good, that all this was a “surprise” to his narcissistic attitude, and feel proud or myself for standing up to this condescending human. I have learned so much about myself during the time he has left, and in 18 months I can say, I love myself again.
All the best to everyone, and take care of yourselves too.It’s no longer about “him” it’s about “YOU” now.
Deborah, have you spoke to an attorney who told you, you would be awarded alimony? I hope you do BUT alimony is quickly becoming a thing of the past so you should speak with an attorney before making plans for your future financial well-being. If you move to California and file for divorce there your divorce will be defined by community property laws. You and he will split everything in half and if a judge feels half of the marital assets is enough he could very well not award alimony. Please talk to an attorney.
P.S. I am moving to CA in June, since only 4 months “after” my husband left me, I recievied a call from my brother, David in NY telling me to sit down, since he has something “astounding” to tell me. That is when he said, while cleaning out our father’s apartment due to his severe dementia, he found a metal box with a lock on it, he opened up the box and found….. my adoption documents!!!!!!
I was born to a French women in Baumholder, Germany in 1957 named Jenny Helene Levy, a Jew , with no father listed on my brith certificate. My birth name was Darlene Barbara Levy, adotped officially when I was 3 months old. I always knew I was born in Germany, but the story my adoptive mother told me was she was sightseeing and had me. But, I know now, what woman who had so many miscarraiges go trapsing off to another country, since my dad, Abe was stationed in the U.S. Air Force in France.
So, life does take some strange twists and turns, without a doubt, and betewwn my huband walking out, and my adoption discovery, I found out I can survive anything, and be stronger in the end.
I love being able to tell my soon to be ex that he is no longer the center of my universe. I am moving to CA (where he lives but who cares) and not telling him either, until I’m there. This will be kind-of fun for me, a “power take-bakc” too. During our long-term (34 year) marriage, and we are still legally married, and the clock is still ticking, I felt intimidated, and controled by him. He was also a functional acloholic, achieving many things like being a Naval Officer, obtaining both his Bachelors in Business, and his Master’s degree from the Naval Post Graduate School in Monterey, plus so much more. And,,,, all of this with me supporting him, making it easier for him, catering to him, waitning on him, and loving him.
Knowing he is a narcissist, the warning I have read is “never, ever, tell a narcisisist your plans, because they never want you to be happy, because they aren’t, and will throw a wrech into it every time. So, my life will continue, and I am grateful he is gone for good, living in his big rig truck at age 56 years old. (He’s probably gay too, and only realized this and left) Makes so much sense to me know, because I always thought it was me, I was too needy, or too overly sexed, but it was him, and his lack of emotions and I’m now ok with that, Can’t change him, only me. He will never apologize for his action, no remorse, because he feels he is the only victim. I’ve read the reason “why” some people can never apologize, and it’s because they feel it’s a sign of weakness in them, or an attack on their character. But I know the truth… he is a narcissisit, and didn’t deserve my love.
Why are you moving to California? Do you have relatives there, is that where you are originally from? If the “narcissist” is in another state why in the world would you choose to put yourself closer to him?
Cahty, I have spoken to an attorney already, and also have seen my husband’s Tax filings for this year. My husband Must disclose per a “disclosure of assets”, bank accounts, etc. Since we are considered a ‘long-term’ marriage (34 years) and I didn’t work, only have a high school diploma, and our son who is mentally disabled lives with me, making it impossible right now to leave him unattended, I know I will get at least more that just 1/2 of his military pension. The Marriage and Divorce Act, protects women like me, who didn’t work, and also supported (and worke) many of his businesses. With a bachelors, masters, military pension, and a lucritive trucking career on top of it, I am sure that it will be worked out well for me. If I have to contest it, I will, but don’t think I will have to.
I do understand though, that things have changed pertaining to alimony or spousal maintanecene as it’s called too, The attorneys or judge, takes into consideration many things, like, length of marriage, age of parties, standard of living while married, the ability of one spouse to pay the other, and children who are disabled or dependent children in the custody of the party (I am my son’s custodial guardian).
Thank you much and we wil talk soon.
Deborah, I’m a divorce professional. I work in the divorce industry. I’m working with a client who was married to a television director for 31 years. She was a stay at home mother with 2, adopted, special needs children, he makes A LOT of money. They divorce is California and she received $7,000 a month in alimony and child support until her youngest is 18. Like you, when he left her, she wasn’t worried because she was going to get half of what he made because of all the years she had put into helping him build his career and take care of the children. She got fooled. She is having to move out of California because she can no longer afford to live in that state. Her ex, he flies all over Europe, has a home in Malibu and is still raking in the big bucks.
The Marriage and Divorce Act was written in 1970. Divorce laws have gone through a lot of changes since then. Family court judges have a lot of discretion. If a judge doesn’t think you’ve done anything to earn half of his military pension you won’t get half. Just because you were married and he was military doesn’t mean you will be awarded any of his pension. There is no law saying you have a right to half his pension. The Uniformed Services Former Spouses Protection Act says a judge can award you a portion of his pension, if the judge wants to.
I’m not saying any of this to discourage you, I’m saying it because it sounds like you are taking a lot of things for granted and when we do that in a divorce situation we tend to end up very unhappy with the outcome.
For example, you said he would soon have his California residency, meaning he can file for divorce. If he files for divorce before you that makes you the “defendant” in a divorce action. That puts you in a one down position and that isn’t somewhere you want to be in divorce court. For you to have a better standing in divorce court you will have to set up residency in California and file for a divorce which will give you the upper hand.
I am divorced from an Air Force Officer who had two Master’s degrees. I was a wife and mother when he left. After the divorce I was left with no alimony, none of his retirement and only child support. Why? Because I was SURE of what all I was going to get and failed to do my homework. The judge awarded me half of his retirement but DFAS wouldn’t honor the order because it wasn’t written correctly? Do you know the formula DFAS uses for dividing military pension? Do you know the wording that has to be used in a divorce decree? Believe me, it has NOTHING to do with the Marriage and Divorce Act.
I hope you do well after divorce BUT, if you don’t have some fear and the knowledge that NOTHING is guaranteed you can come away from a divorce in bad shape financially. That is all I’m going to say on the subject. My best to you because you are about to start down a path you have no understanding of.
Deborah, I’m a divorce professional. I work in the divorce industry. I’m working with a client who was married to a television director for 31 years. She was a stay at home mother with 2, adopted, special needs children, he makes A LOT of money. They divorce is California and she received $7,000 a month in alimony and child support until her youngest is 18. Like you, when he left her, she wasn’t worried because she was going to get half of what he made because of all the years she had put into helping him build his career and take care of the children. She got fooled. She is having to move out of California because she can no longer afford to live in that state. Her ex, he flies all over Europe, has a home in Malibu and is still raking in the big bucks.
The Marriage and Divorce Act was written in 1970. Divorce laws have gone through a lot of changes since then. Family court judges have a lot of discretion. If a judge doesn’t think you’ve done anything to earn half of his military pension you won’t get half. Just because you were married and he was military doesn’t mean you will be awarded any of his pension. There is no law saying you have a right to half his pension. The Uniformed Services Former Spouses Protection Act says a judge can award you a portion of his pension, if the judge wants to.
I’m not saying any of this to discourage you, I’m saying it because it sounds like you are taking a lot of things for granted and when we do that in a divorce situation we tend to end up very unhappy with the outcome.
For example, you said he would soon have his California residency, meaning he can file for divorce. If he files for divorce before you that makes you the “defendant” in a divorce action. That puts you in a one down position and that isn’t somewhere you want to be in divorce court. For you to have a better standing in divorce court you will have to set up residency in California and file for a divorce which will give you the upper hand.
I am divorced from an Air Force Officer who had two Master’s degrees. I was a wife and mother when he left. After the divorce I was left with no alimony, none of his retirement and only child support. Why? Because I was SURE of what all I was going to get and failed to do my homework. The judge awarded me half of his retirement but DFAS wouldn’t honor the order because it wasn’t written correctly? Do you know the formula DFAS uses for dividing military pension? Do you know the wording that has to be used in a divorce decree? Believe me, it has NOTHING to do with the Marriage and Divorce Act.
I hope you do well after divorce BUT, if you don’t have some fear and the knowledge that NOTHING is guaranteed you can come away from a divorce in bad shape financially. That is all I’m going to say on the subject. My best to you because you are about to start down a path you have no understanding of.