The Exit Interview: Should You Ask Your Guy Why He Went 'Poof'?

I recently dated a man who ticked all the superficial boxes. His dating profile was a poetry of words about searching for the fire of the right woman to light his hearth and home. He had a child whom he cared for during alternate weeks. He had a great job and handsome face.

On the first meeting for coffee, I was delightfully surprised that he was even more handsome than his profile photo. He was tall, with a square jaw and the rock hard body of a high ranking military officer who managed hundreds of troops in combat. He could fly planes, jump from tall buildings (literally – he loved base jumping) and commanded hundreds of troops to do his bidding. His scent was manly yet perfumed, his clothes impeccable and his manner refined. Women noticed him, men noticed him. It’s easy to see why the term “hero worship” exists.

He spoke of looking for his “coup de foudre” or bolt of lightning, love at first sight.

He told me I was beautiful and charming, kept pulling my chair closer to his so that we could touch. He asked me for a second date that very same evening. We laughed together at a comedy show. We walked through the cobbled streets of Paris, under soft lamp light and he held me close because he was worried I was cold on that winter night.

Afterwards, he texted daily and continuously into the night. We volleyed witty and sexy banter like a ball in a tennis match. He wanted to meet for lunch during the week but I was busy and we settled on the following weekend.

He invited me to his home for our third date. He cooked for me. He showed me how handy he was remodelling his bathroom. I asked whether he wanted to marry again. He said it wasn’t necessary but he was looking for a real relationship. The conversation flowed and we discovered similar interests. We eventually moved our conversation to the sofa.

Tears welled in my eyes the first time we kissed. A reaction which caught me off guard. He kissed away the tears, promised it was okay and began tactical maneuvers. I didn’t want to move too fast so he started making beeping noises when he reached “unauthorised zones”. We both laughed. I felt tingles all over and buzzing in my ears when we kissed again.

Finally, he offered to drive me home when he understood I wouldn’t spend the night. I had left my mobile phone in his car so when I turned it on, there was a long series of bells and vibrations indicated there were more than 10 missed texts and many more missed calls. It started ringing again and again but I didn’t pick up. It was Mr. Smug.

After dragging me to court, I had given into all of my ex’s demands since it was costing more in legal fees more than I would gain. To return the favour, I stopped letting him stay with us during his once monthly visitation. Since a hotel was booked for that evening, Mr. Smug did not want to stay at my place to watch Hidalgo past 11:30pm. He was incensed I would ignored this request. He was enraged that I was “using him as a babysitter”. He demanded that I return and informed me he would arrive late the next morning since he was tired.

I briefly explained the situation to my new paramour. He seemed supportive and incredulous that a father would behave this way.

When his grandmother died the day after our third date, he went out of town but we never lost contact. He sent me photos of his daughter and mother sewing pillows while he helped. I expressed admiration in his soft side. He let me know that for the right woman, he would share even more. Before he returned, he asked whether I would like to visit Iceland since he thought I would be an ideal travel companion.

He sent constant messages that he was thinking of me, wanted my body, was impressed by my mind. I had visitors in town so we didn’t see each other much for a couple of weeks but we sent texts daily and continually. I let him initiate but I always responded. I made jokes, kept it light but also gave compliments to assure him that I also found him very attractive.

Eventually, I invited him to my home and we slept together. As we cuddled in bed, he imagined that with my busy schedule and responsibilities, only by living together could our relationship work. I burst out laughing. I had known him for six weeks.

And then POOF! Or more precisely quick fade and vague plans about the next meeting… soon, not this week but….crickets chirping.

I am not a mind reader but I do have a long history of dating emotionally unavailable and immature men. I knew the moment he told me he was looking for a bolt of lightning that he had unattainable/unrealistic expectations of a relationship and it would end in a flash. I played along because I wanted to taste the honey but I wasn’t falling in the trap.

If you are playing a game of seduction, sooner or later, you won’t feel secure. You’re checking your phone see if he’s responded to your last volley of wit and humour. You become lost in the fantasy of the next encounter. You can second guess everything you say and do to be sure you are just the right balance of youthful yet mature, fun but not flightily. The butterflies and buzzing… it’s intoxicating. It also just a game and nothing more.

If a man moves fast and easily into your life, it’s a pretty safe bet he can leave just as fast. You could re-examine the story I just told and give advice where I went wrong. I could question and blame myself for being too emotional, with too much baggage, too pushy. Maybe I should call him one more time? Maybe I could figure out what went wrong?

Do I need to ask why he went POOF? Heck no, I don’t care. The better questions are: Do I want to introduce this man to my son? Does this man have great qualities he could teach Hidalgo? As a single mother, there has been a profound change in the way I manage my relationships. My little man is prioritised over everything else. With this in mind, I’ve become much more pragmatic in my approach to dating.

I’m not desperate for love and I’ll take my time to open up. If a man is patient and kind, honest and trust worthy then over time we can both move towards a relationship. I want something which can endure the highs and lows, the sweetness and sorrow of a life built together. Anything less doesn’t deserve my time or worry.

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