I know where I’m at – in the middle of a good wallow. I’m wallowing in my sadness.
Wallow: indulge in an unrestrained way
Too many people try to convince us that being sad is somehow wrong. “Let it go,” they say. “Look for the positive.” And “You could be far worse off. There are people who pray for what you have.” Hey, I know they are doing their best to get sad people out of a funk, but feeling the funk is the fastest way to exit said funk.
C’mon. Let me be funky for a while.
Let me sing my sad songs. Let me park my butt on the couch and binge on endless hours of Netflix. Let me eat peanut butter out of the jar with my fingers… maybe a spoon if I’m feeling ambitious. And let me be unwashed for a couple of days (but no longer than a week, that would just be yucky).
Let’s face it, I’m in mourning. My relationship with Husband #2 and the hopes that I had for our future are finished. One day I’m going to take off my beautiful wedding and engagement rings and never put them back on. It’s ok for me to be really, really sad… because if I weren’t…. then something would be horribly wrong with me.
Call it Constructive Wallowing. According to Psychology Today author and therapist Tina Gilbertson, LPC, you beat bad feelings by letting yourself have them.
I’m in the act of feeling the feelings and wending my way through them rather than trying to brush them off and avoid them. Don’t believe me? Read Why “Letting It Go” Might Not Be Such a Good Idea.
Right now, I’m working through the first 3 steps in Ms. Gilbertson’s article 6 Ways to Keep Yourself from Going Back:
- Acknowledge the loss
Husband #2 and I did have a special connection, especially at the end, when we were open, vulnerable, and (at least one of us) being truthful with each other. It will take a while to get back to that level of openness with another person, starting at square 1 again.
- Ride the waves of grief
It’s been two years since he left and I still have some grief to work through. This time isn’t as bad as January 2013, but there’s still a sense of sadness.
- Experience the longing
There’s an urge for soothing inside of me, but I realize contacting Husband #2 is not a soothing activity. He’s very much into his aloneness right now and reaching out to help or comfort me is not in his nature at this time. I learned that from my father’s death.
As part of my work to “consciously uncouple” I’m working through the book Beyond Boundaries, specifically the section titled “Knowing When the Other Person is Ready”. I keep chanting, “He’s not ready. He’s not ready. He’s not ready” all the while realizing that at his age, he’s set in his ways and most likely never will be ready.
And, admittedly, only one of us was trying our best in this stage of our relationship. I guess I’m tired of being the only one who cares enough to actually work on issues. Strange how Husband #2’s confession of not being his best and just letting things float along makes it even easier for me to close the emotional door.
Hanging my dreams for the future on someone who isn’t interested is another definition of insanity.
Time to read and re-read and read again my letter to myself. And remind myself that it’s especially hard this time of year due to the great cruise and the lonely Christmas holiday.
But New Year’s is on the horizon and that means the opportunity to start fresh. No this round of wallowing won’t last as long.
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