We interrupt the tale of The Dudes, A Ginger and Plumas-Eureka (a phrase with many meanings) to bring you this email from a kitten.
After reading it this morning, and failing at keeping the tears inside as I sat in a public place, I felt compelled to post it. For two reasons:
(1) It highlights the destructive nature of adultery. Divorces are painful and do occur without warning; betrayal inflames, enrages an already terrible, precarious and dire situation. The fact that infidelity is condoned as totally acceptable in divorce, and NO FAULT wipes away any need for accountability for breaking a contract, civil and moral, does not sit well with me. I can be centered and pissed at the same time. I’m pissed about the lack of repercussions for adultery.
(2) While The Genius’ affair was going on when the little dude was an infant, I was not privy to his decision to throw away our marriage and embark on his affair with the Happy Dance Chick. I am certain there are those of you who can comment directly, and with experience, to T’s questions posed at the end of her email. As I stepped inside her I was overwhelmed by the pain of handing over a baby to a person who betrayed me, a person possibly unequipped to deal with an infant. Then to learn that 50/50 custody is being mandated by No Fault states without any counseling requirements or even one lousy required assessment by the court makes me shudder.
I’m posting this now in the hopes that you will offer your guidance. I will post mine as a comment this evening and will reply to some of yours. I hope that our words can help T and all those who struggle to come to terms with the pain of losing precious time with our children as we cope with divorce complicated by infidelity, a betrayal that destroys relationships, breaks hearts and leaves deep scars.
Thank you for taking time to reply to T’s words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago as I was googling divorce & infidelity. I have a 13 month old son, and (back in February) discovered that my husband starting having an affair with his young assistant at work 13 months ago. Yep– he took 2 weeks paternity leave after our son was born, and started having an affair as soon as he went back to work, when our son was 2 weeks old. While I was making my way through middle of the night feedings and non-stop-baby-duty, my husband was “working late” or “traveling”… aka having his affair.
I wanted to thank you for your blog. I am not quite all the way through it yet, as I am reading it whenever I feel I am emotionally ready. I am also taking the time to read every single comment and all of your responses– there are some true gems of wisdom in the comments! But the rawness of your words has struck a chord with me. I find myself with tears streaming down my face, simultaneously nodding my head in agreement with your words. Your blog has made me realize– unfortunately– that I am not alone. So many women (and men) have been dealt the low blow of infidelity. It’s a sad reality, but, like you, I am taking this opportunity to find my way back to who I am supposed to be and to create the life I am meant to live.
I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me recognize his narcissistic ways process his lies and deceit. I feel very similarly about my husband to the way you feel about yours (ex?)– the love died the moment I found out about the affair. I am traipsing through the muddy waters of the start of a divorce right now. My husband and I went to a month of couples therapy immediately after I confronted him about the affair (oh, and my Gen is similar to yours in that he told me the “truth” first– he was having an affair but it was just kissing at work, etc– and then a few weeks later told me the “whole truth” in that they had sex, he stayed at her apartment, etc etc.). If I am truly honest, the moment I heard about the affair, I was done.
Yet I had to try to “pretend” for a bit, as I was not ready to be away from my infant son at the time, and my husband had specifically said he was going to want 50/50 custody. My husband left about 5 months ago– saying he needed a week to really think things through and work on himself. That week turned into 10 days, which turned into two weeks, which has since turned into 5 months. Although I don’t mind– a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders the day he left. The anger he directed at me was instantly removed from my life. I was able to focus on my son instead of trying to deflect my husband’s anger, guilt, etc.
I just filed for divorce last week. I told my SOON-TO-BE-EX!!! husband that I was doing this, yet I haven’t told him that the papers ARE filed. (I’m not having him served because I don’t have a home address for him– I have to tell him the papers are filed and ask for his lawyer so I can send the information to his lawyer.) Simply because I am scared.
In the last 5 months, my husband has come to the house every day to pick our son up and take him to daycare. And he has taken our son on the occasional weekend day. But he has not yet taken our son overnight. I live in a no-fault state and they are passing a bill to allow fathers 50/50 custody unless you can prove harm/endangerment. So I have not told my husband I have filed, simply because I am scared that the moment I do, he will state his right to 50/50 custody and I am not ready to be away from my son 50% of the time.
There are so many things that sadden me & anger me– the fact that my husband “cheated on” our son at the same time that he cheated on me. The fact that my husband spent the first 8 months of our son’s life avoiding being at home so he could be off with his mistress- meaning he missed so many precious moments with our son.
And he spent the last 5 months pretending to find himself while he has really been out hanging with friends and partying, but not parenting. He has never cooked for our child. He has not grocery shopped for our child. He spends one day during the week with him 9-5, so he changes a few diapers and gets him a nap, but that is the extent of his responsibility. He has no parenting “instinct”– although he means well, he knows nothing about raising children and it was fully acknowledged in our relationship that I would be the one leading the way to raise our child. It worries me that our son is going to spend 50% of his time with this liar. With this selfish man.
My husband is a true narcissist and he is doing nothing to change this. So although he will say he wants what is best for our son, I truly believe that he will put himself first. And it makes me SO ANGRY that this man, who has not stepped up in the last 13 months, will automatically get 50% custody of our child, just because he says he wants it (which I believe he says simply to hurt me). It makes me so angry that he decided to have this affair with out the slightest regard for my life or our son’s life. He has changed the course of our lives, and he did not stop for a moment to ponder the consequences of his actions.
I know I have written a novel here. I wanted to write to thank you. To tell you that your words have meant so much to me. They have helped me really step back and think about things– to think about the life I want to create for myself. To think about how I want to “react” to this affair. To think about how I do not want to let it make me bitter. Instead, I want good to come out of it. And I know it will. My son and I will be much happier in the long run than we would have been if we had stayed.
HOWEVER… I also have a question. How do you deal with being away from your children when your ex has custody? HOW do you deal with your children being with HDC? How do you get through those nights? Although I have not spent one night away from my son yet (simply because I don’t want to push my husband to take him overnight– and I can’t as my parents to watch him without first asking my husband.), I feel that I can easily handle one night. Or a weekend. The true burden, for my heart, is thinking about being away from my son for 50% of his life. I work full time, so my time with my son is already very limited. And having to give HALF of that up to this PERSON who did this to us is so very disheartening.
My heart breaks just thinking about it. I have been able to process the affair. I have been able to almost get to a point of forgiveness for the affair. (I haven’t quite forgiven, but I am almost there!) But I am STUCK on the outcome of the affair. I cannot begin to fathom forgiving this man for taking my son away from me. For banishing us to a lifetime of meetings in a gas station parking lot to hand off the most beloved little soul, as if he were a sack of groceries or a stack of library books. I cannot get over this second level of hurt that my husband has caused. The affair was the first level of hurt and pain. But being away from my son for so much of his life is far, far, far worse.
Any words of advice? Any ways you cope????
It may get easier with age, when my son will be able to tell his father what he wants, how he wants it, why he wants it, etc etc. I know my son will get over this mommy stage, and it will turn into a “I would love to go to football games and basketball games with daddy” stage. But it just hurts. my. heart. Any advice for a grieving mom??
Thanks so much Cleo.
Please keep writing. You are helping heal the hearts of so many. You have been an inspiration– inspiring me to find the good in all of this. Inspiring me to find my true self, and to live the life I want to. I will be forever grateful!
T
Dear T,
I’ve just read your email, and feel as though my heart is breaking for you and your son. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. I’m wishing you peace and comfort, and the strength to make your way through this hurtful time.
Avril
Avril,
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and offer your support. I appreciate it!
T
(I am writing this to the young woman who wrote about her situation with a very young baby). Though 50/50 custody may be “automatic” and the state prefers that both parents spend a lot of time each week with a small child, you may find that your ex, the narcissist, will happily accept less than 50% custody, especially if a) it seems like it’s his idea, b) he has no significant other to help him take care of the baby, and c) he works full time.
Face it, he’s doing about the max he can possibly do right now, and the max that he WANTS to do. Childcare is just going to get more demanding and complicated the older the child gets. However, many husbands end up with 50% custody simply as a matter of principal – it’s a “victory” over anyone who would say that they are less than qualified, and it means they have to PAY YOU LESS MONEY. This is usually the overriding reason for an un-involved parent to suddenly want 50% custody – MONEY. Your attorney can tell you if there are any good strategies for getting custody established realistically – it sounds like he has about 20% right now. Good luck.
I know from experience (my ex husband is a family law attorney) that if you end up in court, and you have written a VERY GOOD declaration describing exactly what went on during the child’s first 6 months when the father was willingly absent though not at work (it really doesn’t matter what he was doing, he wasn’t there, and it was by choice) you can certainly plant a seed of doubt about his ability to be a good parent, which would then result in an evaluation by someone (appointed by the court) which could possibly end up with a recommendation which was that the child be more with the mother. But it is true that the state seems to want to integrate a parent back into the child’s life, even if that parent has willingly been absent. The reason for this, I guess, is that in general, children are better off with two parents,because of the possibility that one parent could die. So it all depends on his attitude – does he really want more time with the child? Or does he just not want to pay more than 50%? That’s the big issue. But be sure to document everything that you can – every single night/weekend the father was not with the child, by choice, in the child’s first months. This advice is given by someone who is NOT an attorney or mediator. In my personal situation, my husband’s infidelity came out when our daughter had just turned 15, so she can choose which parent she wants to be with, and it’s her mother.
(I am writing this to the young woman who wrote about her situation with a very young baby). Though 50/50 custody may be “automatic” and the state prefers that both parents spend a lot of time each week with a small child, you may find that your ex, the narcissist, will happily accept less than 50% custody, especially if a) it seems like it’s his idea, b) he has no significant other to help him take care of the baby, and c) he works full time.
Face it, he’s doing about the max he can possibly do right now, and the max that he WANTS to do. Childcare is just going to get more demanding and complicated the older the child gets. However, many husbands end up with 50% custody simply as a matter of principal – it’s a “victory” over anyone who would say that they are less than qualified, and it means they have to PAY YOU LESS MONEY. This is usually the overriding reason for an un-involved parent to suddenly want 50% custody – MONEY. Your attorney can tell you if there are any good strategies for getting custody established realistically – it sounds like he has about 20% right now. Good luck.
I know from experience (my ex husband is a family law attorney) that if you end up in court, and you have written a VERY GOOD declaration describing exactly what went on during the child’s first 6 months when the father was willingly absent though not at work (it really doesn’t matter what he was doing, he wasn’t there, and it was by choice) you can certainly plant a seed of doubt about his ability to be a good parent, which would then result in an evaluation by someone (appointed by the court) which could possibly end up with a recommendation which was that the child be more with the mother. But it is true that the state seems to want to integrate a parent back into the child’s life, even if that parent has willingly been absent. The reason for this, I guess, is that in general, children are better off with two parents,because of the possibility that one parent could die. So it all depends on his attitude – does he really want more time with the child? Or does he just not want to pay more than 50%? That’s the big issue. But be sure to document everything that you can – every single night/weekend the father was not with the child, by choice, in the child’s first months. This advice is given by someone who is NOT an attorney or mediator. In my personal situation, my husband’s infidelity came out when our daughter had just turned 15, so she can choose which parent she wants to be with, and it’s her mother.
C,
Thank you so much for your words of guidance. So good to see you here. I’m very grateful you took the time to respond to T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks C. At this time, I don’t have detailed documentation of the first months. It was before I knew of the affair, and I believed he was on his work trips. I know now that if he had a work trip from Tues-Wed, he would tell me it was Tues-Thurs to be with her. Had I known at the time, I could have gotten his actual flight receipts and compared them to when he “said” he would be gone.
I agree with you that a lot of this is about money. And about “saying” he has 50/50.
So sorry you had to go through this as well. Having a child that is 15 probably brings out a whole other set of issues and concerns from a parent’s perspective.
THANK YOU!
T
First of all to T and Cleo – I’m sending much love.
T – I don’t have children but on all other levels I feel your pain. Keep your chin up. I hope things improve for you.
Cleo – I came today to say thank you. I’m 5 months in. In 6 days it would have been my anniversary, but it won’t be now. He’s left me for the women he has been seeing for 8 months. I was given many many reasons for what he has done.
Too fat.
Too lazy.
She’s better in bed.
Loved him too much (WTF!!)
Didn’t love him in the right way.
I found you 2 weeks ago. You’ve kept me company on the bus, at work and before bed. You have opened my eyes up to a lot.
I’ve been trying to find where I went wrong, with your help I found my portion.
‘Dating your divorce self’ it was a light bulb moment. It was magic, things slotted into place.
I think I’m still in the storm drain!! I still feel like I’m drowning.
I accepted to much, I let too much slide, I lost myself while loving him.
My problem is dispite everything I still love him. I spend a good portion of each day looking for the off switch. I can’t seem to find it. I hope I locate it soon.
Thank you – too small words but filled with such feeling.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. I am grateful you found HGM and that the words here provide some support and guidance during this time.
I’ve thought about your question quite a lot lately as some have written to me via email asking much the same. I don’t know enough about your situation to offer but my intuitive guess – the man you feel love towards is not who he presents himself to be. Once you fall back in love with yourself you may come to realize that your feelings of love for him are not really love (not now, but perhaps at some point they were), but a distraction from taking the time to love yourself.
Perhaps you feel that he completes you and you are only worthy of love with him. Which, if I was sitting across the table from you holding your hands, we would both nod in agreement is not the case. No one completes us. We are already complete. Self-love brings that realization into focus.
There is no on/off switch, but you do have something much more beneficial. The knowledge that the love you have to give deserves to be given to someone whom you respect and who respects you. Unconditional love for humanity can still be extended to our former spouses. And that will keep your heart feeling full.
Remain in the moment, M. You’re exactly where you need to be. And thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
First off, let me say how sorry I am that you, T, are hurting. There are lots of ways to end a marriage and infidelity has to be the worst. I’m posting as the (maybe) lone voice of a divorced woman who was the cheater, not the cheated on. I see now that what I did was an incredibly selfish, possibly narcissistic, but mostly misguided act and a patheti, harmful attempt to make myself feel better. I’ve had to live with the consequences of my actions. I feel awful for what I did to my ex, but my greatest regret is what I did to my family. I never wanted this for my children. Even though my boys are mostly grown, it kills me that they have a life with their dad that I’m not a part of. Not just Christmases, Thanksgivings, graduations, but weekend trips to the beach and first days at schooI. know it must be hard to understand because I brought it upon myself, but at the time I didn’t stop and think it through. That said, don’t assume your ex is happy. He has to live with himself, as I have. My guess is that if he isn’t hurting now, he will one day wake up and regret all that he has lost. That was a horrible day for me. The repercussions go on and on and on. I try to make a living amends to my ex and my children, but I can’t change the past and I live with my giant mistake every day. And although I’m not certain my marriage would have survived if I hadn’t screwed up, I wish it had ended more honorably. I hope it helps you to know you aren’t alone in your grief and hurt. You will get through it and your child will get through it, but it has changed your path–that may be the hardest thing to accept–”This isn’t what I signed on for.” It isn’t. Again, I am sorry for your loss.
E,
I am so grateful you took the time to comment and thank you for your honesty. It’s so hard to know how the spouse who betrays feels because their true feelings are often masked in a protective cloak. As many have indicated here, that cloak is woven out of anger directed toward the betrayed. It makes for a messy outfit. I appreciate your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
erb,
Thank you so much for having the courage to write the words from your view. It’s hard to see and not regret things that were done in the past, but I encourage you to stand in the light, be true to yourself and your family, and you will heal, and you will be able to be proud of your healing.
E
erb,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. It definitely takes courage. I think you are right– one of the hardest parts is that this ISN’T what I signed on for. I am sure that my husband is living in his own pain. It’s just a different pain, because he knows HIS actions (the cheating) caused the pain he is now feeling by getting a divorce and being away from my son. My feelings of sadness of getting a divorce and being away from my son are also caused by HIS actions (the cheating) and that is hard for me. YES, I had a part in the relationship, but I didn’t have a part in the cheating. And the cheating is what has put us on this path. It is just an UNFAIRNESS. But such is life, right?
And I feel the same way about our marriage– even if it wouldn’t have survived without the cheating, I wish it would have ended differently.
Thanks for chiming in!
T
Seems to me that the kitten’s soon-to-be-ex would quickly grow tired of 50/50 custody if his time was all day Friday/Saturday/Sunday and half a day on Monday. Those days would enable him to spend almost 24/7 with his child and not cost him as much in child care. I’d be willing to bet he’d have a change of heart about shared custody then.
Marilyn,
My STB-ex and I both work Monday-Friday, so I don’t want to offer up him having our son Fri/Sat/Sun. Although, yes, it would be tiring and a lot for him to handle, I can’t risk having that time away from my son all the time because then I would only see him mornings and evenings Mon-Thurs. Since we both work, we both want time on the weekends!
But yes, I agree– I think he would have a change of heart! He has no idea what 24/7 is like!
T
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but as a child put in this situation I can say now what my mom did I think is the best thing a mom can do. I didn’t understand things when I was growing up, but I understand now and I know my mom made the right decisions. First, she never disparaged my dad to me (ever), she didn’t defend him but she never said negative things about him. Second, she never told me about their problems. He did, and when I asked she would tell me he shouldn’t tell me those things, they are between her and him and she wouldn’t talk about it. Finally, she made sure he followed the rules of custody because we had our lives and him interrupting them for impromptu visits was very stressful for me, but she never stood in the way of him trying to love me or have a relationship with me.
I know how selfish my father is, I began to understand that as a child and I fully get it now. But better or worse he is my dad and it was important that I have a relationship with him growing up. Anytime I felt bad because of a selfish decision made on his part my mom tried to talk me through it, support me, and just love me. I know it wasn’t easy for her, to this day she has not shared her personal feelings about him with me. But she was mom first, and I am better for it.
Now her situation is/was different from yours, I get that. I also get that his actions have caused pain for you and your child, and I am fully in agreement that those actions should have consequences. I’m not saying I think he should get 50% custody of your baby. But trying to put limits on parenting could start things down what I think could become a very bad path. Just something to be mindful of.
I hope things work out for you.
Meagan,
It sounds like your mother is a wonderful mother! One of the things that I didn’t put in my email to Cleo is that I intend to be the BEST possible mother to my son, making sure that he has a relationship with his dad, making sure that I NEVER speak poorly about his father in front of him, and making sure that my son NEVER feels that his dad did this to HIM. I will be very clear, when the time is appropriate, that this issue is between his dad and I, and had nothing to do with him.
My son is my world and, like most moms, I want him to have all of the happiness in the world. If that means “grinning and bearing it” when it comes to his father, I will. It is just so hard for me that when he chose to cheat, he also CHOSE to then get divorced and be away from our son. I DIDN’T choose that, yet I have to suffer the same consequence. I just I am just having a *pouting* moment of “LIfe is not fair!”
But thanks for the reminder of how important it is to be the best mother possible, no matter what!
T
T,
I can only speak from my own experience with sharing my child. My child is not an infant. I could not fathom that I would be able to endure time away from my child. It seemed like an impossible agony and more heartache that I in no way asked for or wanted. Yet I knew that in a no fault state I would need to find the strength to do this.
As your child is very young you may want to seek independent child psychological services to assess what is in the best interests of the child. They can offer an opinion to you. Given that your child is an infant and with you primarily, independent support of your child’s needs might be useful. Your lawyer may have a recommendation. If you decide to fight in court know that In a no fault state it is difficult to prove “harm” to your child based on infidelity. Before discussing any arrangements with your ex you should first talk to your lawyer about what kind of custody arrangement you would be comfortable with (I know “comfortable” is a strong word here.) Get input from your lawyer about custody and visitation and find out what is possible. If you do a separation agreement (which you should get on) ask for a parenting schedule that can be flexible and modified if it isn’t working – get it in writing. Get mediation and counselling if you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask for it and write it to any agreement.
It’s incredibly difficult to navigate infidelity, divorce and children. Ultimately cheaters hurt families, children included. They don’t see it that way of course, but it’s true. They cheat, lie and deceive and all that energy is time taken away from the children and the family. They think only of themselves.
And it’s for this reason that I offer this: In time and over time, cheaters show who they really are, even to their children. In time your ex may show that really he may not be interested in all the hard work it takes to raise a child and over time he may diminish contact or be more flexible about arrangements. It’s not easy to be a single parent and most cheaters don’t do this well for very long – certainly not on their own.
Try not to focus on the worst possible scenario. You WILL survive this. Your child will be ok. You can really only focus on being the great Mom that you are, asking for what you want, fighting for what you believe is fair and moving forward. Your child will always know the truth.
When my child is gone I focus on me. I take time to nurture myself a bit, relax and maybe catch up on sleep. It’s not easy. It takes time. I have very difficult moments. I have friends who support me and family. There’s no easy way through it. It’s the wreckage of infidelity.
So my advice is to speak with your lawyer first about any custody issues, try to remain calm and know that at the end of it all, you are good, strong, brave and your child will always love you.
Big hugs to you.
A,
Beautiful. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Andy-
Thank you thank you thank you. All of your advice is spot-on. You are very right that cheaters often focus on themselves. The custody agreement may become more flexible in years to come, once we are both used to it. And you are right– I need to focus on being the best mom I can be, and then focus on recharging and relaxing when my son is not with me.
Thank you thank you thank you.
T
The days my dudes (and dudette) leave to go to TG house, are painful. After I cry and acknowledge the pain, the loss, the separation, I find peace. I find I can breathe without them, and yet knowing they are with him and the HDC. The kiddos see what’s going on – they aren’t stupid. My kiddos are older (teenagers) and I’m grateful they are getting to the age where they can say “No, I don’t want to go to TG’s house”. We are just starting down this path of kiddos going to TG house, and it sucks. However, he is so busy with his “new life”, his new “self”, and friends and such, he really doesn’t want to be bothered with them. He has time and time again over the last few months consistently bailed on his responsibilities to them, to the point, I don’t ever make plans for just me on the weekends he’s suppose to have the kids, because 9 out of 10 times he’ll cancel.
Today’s fun? A year later, he is now denying he had or is having an affair with the HDC. Why? Because she’s married, and now they have to justify all actions. And now, he’s saying the HDC is “just a friend”, where then I had to qualify to the kiddos later, I don’t have “friends” like that.
I keep saying to myself, one moment at a time, one tear at a time, one breath at a time, and enjoy every peaceful moment at a time. Blessings to you.
E
E,
“…one moment at a time, one tear at a time, one breath at a time, and enjoy every peaceful moment at a time.” Beautiful. I needed to hear that. And I need to remind myself of that. Thank you.
I certainly want my son to feel like he has enough time with his dad, but I certainly won’t complain if my son’s dad cancels and gives me more time with him. I can only hope!
And thanks for reminding me that when my son does leave, it’s ok to be sad and to acknowledge the pain. THANKS.
T
T,
I knew I could count on the kittens to give you hugs and high fives, and some supreme words of guidance. Again, thank you for letting me post your email. So many spouses are experiencing the very same challenges and I am certain your words will help them to realize that these struggles are universal.
I read your email several times and always paused at this line, so I am going to believe that it’s where I ought to focus: “The true burden, for my
heart, is thinking about being away from my son for 50% of his life.”
For where you are in this process you are thinking of the things we all thought about.
I’m going to jump you ahead a bit…
Thinking is what screwed me up the most. My brain took me down the rabbit hole of doom…
The Genius gets the dudes half of the time! He’s stolen them from me. Without my consent I have lost 50% of their life to a man who betrayed me. He’s allowing them to play video games. They’ll stop reading. And then retreat inward. Dark thoughts will form. Oh my God they’re going to be high school dropouts. Or worse…
There’s a small degree of dramatization going on just for fun. Kind of.
I have a suggestion on the factual 3D part of your situation. Perhaps there’s a way to work longer hours on the days that you don’t have your son (once your custody arrangement is settled) so you can leave early on the days when you do. Then you can make up for some lost time.
Lobby your employer and have them name the new working arrangement The Infidelity Equalizer rule.
If people can work 10 hour days to take Friday off to get hammered in the Hamptons, I believe spouses who’ve been screwed out of time with their children because their spouse was screwing someone else should have at least the same flexibility.
Now, out of the 3D we go and into the heart. All the questions you posed can be linked back to the challenge of quieting the mind and coming from the heart. Try on this view: Your son picked the two of you as parents. He asked for the journey to begin this way. You and your SOON TO BE EX! (My Mom will request you say ‘former’) spouse each have choices to make on this journey.
I’d say he’s batting zero.
But you can’t keep score. He plays for a different team on a different plane, vibrating at a different level. Your passport prohibits you from going there. Be grateful for that. Don’t alter your parenting mojo one iota. Be extremely aware and present to be certain you don’t change your moves to counter his, or hers should she come into the picture. Stay centered in your heart and you will always do right by your child. Make your time count by being fully present in the moment. Don’t let thoughts of him, her or anything come between the heart connection between you and your child. If he upends you by a text or phone call take a moment to breathe deeply and smile, grateful that you found out, got out and are now starting this most magical journey with a beautiful son who will be your biggest fan, honoring all the good choices you made for him and for you.
I haven’t given the HDC much thought ever. I’m not certain why that’s the case but my feeling is that she’s a bit player and not one I care to spend any time thinking about. Unless it’s to marvel for a moment or two at something like T-shirt gate. (If you haven’t gotten to that one it’s a doozy.) The fact is she cheated on her spouse and set a very poor example for her daughters. There is no excuse or justification for infidelity. Her daughters and my sons will one day learn the truth – hopefully not until they are ready and seek it out themselves. And then they’ll make their own judgments. This matter-of-fact way of looking at this may seem nuts to you now, but you will likely view it in a similar fashion in the not too distant future.
So much could have happened in your life to reduce the amount of time you spend with your son. You pulled the card for infidelity. Others get disease or combat duty. So many things can pull a family apart. The opportunity lies in how you face the challenge. The happiness will come in how you respond. Every time you respond with grace and unconditional love you will feel joy.
I sense through your words that you have a head start on making this nasty situation the very best thing for you and your son. Each day matters in how it unfolds. So stay in the present and look for the magic.
Thank you again, T. I hope this is helpful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
What a lovely job of leaving a profound blessing for T. Your words are once again a balm for someone who is wounded. There is not much more noble a thing we can do with our life than help another to travel over roads we already have and to help them pick up the pieces when life hands them hurt.
May the blessings pour over you today. My prayers are on your head!
L
L,
You are so kind. Thank you. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to help. Noble it may be, but it also feels so extraordinarily good.
I’m planting a kiss on yours!
Love yourself,
Cleo
*A lighter note*
As a “communications” major in college, I was quite sure my now 15 year old son was going to be “harmed forever” and desensitized to violence because of video games. He now plays every gun shooting, zombie attacking game he can find. He rates and evaluates the games. He loves video games. So, for our vacation, I took the dudes on a car trip to a National Park (wasn’t room in the car for camping gear…darn). On our trip, we went fishing. He was the only one out of the three to catch a fish, mind you 5″ long fish that was going to be thrown back. He was horrified. He was terrified. He couldn’t touch the fish. He was freaking out about the fishing not being able to breath out of the water and how the fish was dying. It was quite a scene. I thought he was going to pass out. He now has sworn off fishing. Does not like that reality. So, for him, video games do not equal real world. And, the other two dudes who didn’t catch fish, they were disappointed and dying to go fishing again, and they don’t play those video games. Go figure…
E,
That’s hilarious! So timely that I finally got to your comment today.
For the past week the tall dude has been all guns all the time. What kind of gun does this? What is this one called? Have you ever shot this one? He’s always been fascinated with guns, the history of wars, the military. But when I ask him if he wants to join the military he says no, because he doesn’t want to get shot.
Good lesson in not allowing fears to form and create drama where no drama needs to exist.
Thank you for sharing this tale.
Love yourself,
Cleo
T-
I am living the same life. My darling daughter is turning 2 this weekend and I only get her for three hours on her birthday because its his weekend. I too live in a no fault state and the courts don’t care that he walked out of her life after 4 months or that he didn’t make her food or wash her clothing or sit up with her through the night as her teeth came in or even know the bed time routine. He had never spent 1 night alone with my d daughter in 10 months before he got a weekend as mandated by the court appointed social worker( she was 1.2) and he did his over nights at his parents so he wouldnt have to be alone with her. The judge in our case (a man who seemed to hate life)actually offered the boy idiot (my ex) more time then he even wanted 6 nights every two weeks. The boy idiot and his lawyer used the 6 nights as bargaining tool to get reduced child support payments if he took less nights with the child. It sickens methat he sold his time but I have given him greatly reduced child support under 8% instead of the 17.5% as mandated by state law so that I will have primary custody of my child and he never has her for more then two nights in a week. I hate that the courts don’t care about someone moral character or the fact that someone could just walk out. It was documented in my case him walking out and no one but me cared. I am fortunate that I am the one with the amazing well paid job to his low paying job. In fact he also went for maintance but luckey for me the judge threw that out.
Having an affair makes you a bad person- it shows that you are a selfish person. A selfish person can’t be a good parent. A good parent puts there child first.
It sucks and you’ll find a way to get through it. It’s all about going the distance you have about 17 years of dealing with your genius. I cried the first few times as did she and she still does at times when he picks her up. To help me I found classes or things to do every time time he has her so I am not sitting at home. A god send for me was another divorced friend- she and I have plans for dinner this weekend and most weekends when dd is away. There is no easy cure for anyone your son included. But just know you aren’t alone. You can do this. We all can.
Meg-
I feel you on that one!
Thank you for your sweet words. It is nice to know I am not alone. Although this is such a tough time, I wish that I were alone so that no one else had to be suffering in this way. I WISH mine would take 2 nights a week. I think I could deal with that. It’s the three or four nights a week that starts to hurt my heart!
It is very difficult that a court system doesn’t take into consideration all of the details. It is very much a black and white issue with very little gray area. Uggg.
Thanks again for your advice and your support. I appreciate it so much!
T
T – I cannot imagine the pain and uncertainty you are going through. To have this happen to you while trying to raise an infant is unimaginable. The way I see it, there are two ways to go about this. I’m sure you’re feeling paralyzed, just trying to stumble through the days, but be certain to document everything you remember about his absences. (His employer will almost certainly have a record of his “travels”.). The fact that you don’t have an address for him now can prove that when he takes your baby for visits, you don’t even know where he is. There is lots you can do.
The other approach is this: if he is a true narcissist, he will soon lose interest in the Narcissistic Supply your son provides for him at this time. N’s look at everyone in their lives as an extension of themselves – how that person makes them feel about themselves and how that person make them look to others. He may be making this 50/50 gesture to compensate for his abandonment of you and the baby so he won’t look bad to family and friends. If he is a true narcissist, the reality of raising a baby 50% of the time will quickly lose its luster for him. As you know, babies and toddlers are narcissists themselves (as they should be). It’s all about them, and I’m betting there won’t to room for two stubborn infants in your husband’ home (him and your child). I would like to recommend two books for you. They will help you understand who your dealing with, and how to strategize. The first is “Malignant Self Love” by Sam Vaknin a self-proclaimed narcissist) and ” Character Disturbance” by George Simon. N’s are difficult to understand for an empath, their thoughts and actions make no sense to us. These books will help. I’m wishing you strength and peace.
T,
FILE NOW. This bill you worry about is only pending – you need to beat it if you are truly concerned about it.
Another thing you need to understand – there is legal custody and there is physical custody. Most states mandate a 50/50 legal custody split, meaning parents have to agree on things like schools, religion, sports, etc. If you can’t agree, you turn to the courts. This is to keep parents communicating and is actually really important.
Then there’s who has possession of the body. I have never heard of parenting time being evenly split without an evaluation that recommends that. In the first place, there would be no child support, because equal parenting time removes that. Secondly, courts that deal with parenting will tell you that not all parents are equal.
Having been through a custody fight (not caused by infidelity), I can tell you that he who wins the day is the one who does not point fingers, who lets go of their anger while in front of the judge, and who has complete, documented records. I won sole legal custody of my daughter by proving that her father made no effort to see her for six months after our split. The judge didn’t care that he “needed time to heal.” A parent can’t walk away.
Finally, you need to remind yourself that you chose to have a baby with this man. While he obviously hid something very important to you, you need to embrace the reasons you loved him to remind you that your child loves him and needs to believe in him. He still has all the things to offer your son that he did while married to you. Going a day without a bath will be okay. Coming home with a pocket full of candy will be okay. Playing video games, watching TV, and not having a vegetable will all ultimately be okay. If you bog down in those things, you’ll become crazed, and you can’t afford to be that way, especially not in the eyes of the court.
My husband’s ex threatens to take him to court all the time. It’s only recently that he’s said, “Go ahead” that the threats have stopped. That’s because no judge in the world is going to consider missing a bath a greater crime than separating a child and his father, and you will lose if you harp on inconsequential (overall) stuff. Playing with knives? Shooting guns without training? Letting an 8 year old drive while Dad is passed out in the back seat? Those are dangers. Learn the difference and save the angst for your friends.
Good luck, sweetie. It passes, I promise.
M,
Thank you for reminding me that while I might find The Genius to be a less than ideal role model, the dudes think he’s awesome. And for that I am grateful. And thank you for taking the time to reply to T.
Not sure if this is a Cali thing, but I have 50/50 legal and physical custody and do receive child support. I was a stay-at-home mom so perhaps that is why.
As I read these wonderful comments I’m also reminded of the call to surrender. Surrender to our present circumstances. I suggest that at least for a time, consider the present circumstances to be self-created for the purposes of soul growth. Release the urge to judge and embrace the idea that Earth is school.
Class is in session!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Momo’s comments are so spot on – as a lawyer, a mother, a divorcee, the child of a cheating father and divorced parents – I read it all and thought, “That’s it!”. It may be so inexplicably painful now but the bottom line is that the children come first and whether we like it or not a relationship and time with the other parent is what benefits them (in the absence of abuse). If you were still married you wouldn’t mind too much if your soon to be ex forgot a bath or fed her candy. NEVER bad mouth them to your children, it is inappropriate on so many levels. If he/she wants to parent, he/she will. If he/she doesn’t, the time will taper off – which as the child of an absent father, is also its own kind of hell, so don’t wish that for your child. There is no easy solution but I really don’t think we can think universally of cheaters as “bad parents”, as much as that galls us.
Cleo – I haven’t commented on your blog since I started reading so long ago (around your third post) but I still follow your journey and hope you are enjoying (and find even more) peace. I have not been the survivor of infidelity, only as the child of. I am currently married to my love, but in a way I read your blog as a constant reminder to be selfless, to love my spouse and always honor his and our commitment to each other and our children. In other words, whenever I get a small inclining that after 8 years the grass may be greener on the other side, I think of the ultimate cost of a selfish decision (that you can NEVER TAKE BACK), and I think “Not worth it, what can I do today to strengthen my marriage and make sure he knows how much I love my family?” So know you are doing good.
I agree that, at times, your writing seems to have lost its purpose, and become strained. Keep that relevatory voice, you support a cast of thousands.
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and offer your words of support to T. I especially appreciate this comment:
“I really don’t think we can think universally of cheaters as “bad parents”, as much as that galls us.” I recall The Genius saying, I’m a lousy husband. That’s one way of putting it! But he’s not a lousy father. I’m grateful that he’s involved in the lives of the dudes. They aren’t infants, however. I imagine that presents challenges for many single fathers.
Your words to me are timely. A friend is thinking about throwing in the ring and joining the ranks of the divorced, yet there’s been no betrayal, no falling out. They get along well. They have young children. I don’t know intimate details, but it seems the spark has fizzled out. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, but I wish I could take them away for a weekend and help them see that this is part of the journey not a sign that their time together is finished. I believe it’s essential that we have these peaks and valleys in our lives and our relationships. It’s the lab portion of life. It’s time to get dirty, try new ways of being, be more vulnerable.
Thank you for your words of support and you’re honesty. If my writing seems to have lost it’s purpose at times it’s a reflection of me being lost. No matter what, you always get honesty from me. There’s no posturing, I don’t phone it in, but that Ego of mine can lead me around by the nose, for sure! I’m grateful you’re here, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh T, so sorry to welcome you to this club of ours. The membership is not always a conscious choice, but the benefits are wonderful.
First off… Being a member of this club from day one, having read every post and every comment, know that you are SO not alone in your pain. Each and every one of us feels it, has lived it, and we survived, with the help of all the other members here.
The one comment that jumps out at me re: custody… If your soon to be ex has NOT provided you with a permanent address, he should not be entitled to visits or custody.
It might be different here in the Great White North of Canada, but I know when my Ex’s affairS were discovered and my world blew to bits, he was bed hopping between several ‘girl friends’ ( ladies, don’t get involved with married men- don’t do that to another woman- just don’t ) and had no permanent address. He got himself a slimy little apartment above a store but refused OUTRIGHT to give me the address. I told him I had to know where my son was when he was with him if for no other reason- emergencies. He refused to tell me and my son was not old enough to get me the information.
When we finally got in front of a court, and I told them that I had NO IDEA where my son was on his weekends with his father ( voluntary weekends I LET him have time with his son)… He was forced to give the address and to prove it was safe to the judge.
YOU as this child’s mother have every right to know where your child is , and where he is sleeping,playing etc. Involve social services if you have to. they will do a ‘bed room check’ … a baby safe check.. etc
I know its hard to think right, but take it from one who has been there and done that.. the VERY BEST THING you can do right now is KEEP A JOURNAL.
Write down every little concern you have regarding your child’s safety .
Housing, playing, sleeping quarters, food, child care, the g/f’s history etc.
A good lawyer ( and for heavens sake get one who will FIGHT FOR YOU, I went through TWO of them before finding one who CARED. The first one was a woman and she just went through the motions.. second one was a young girl who was ready to be PISSED OFF for me.. and she stood up for US. ).. a good lawyer will take those notes and integrate them into their case for you.. and seeing as you do not know when this will happen, notes will make things easier to remember. Write it ALL down. Your lawyer will condense those notes and make you sound like a mommy goddess.
I hope for your sake the ex is not doing it ‘to hurt you’.. that’s when things get really ugly. My ex had NOTHING to do with his child.. ( now I know why) and then said he wanted FULL custody.. something which was dragged through the courts endlessly, costing me money.. and time.. and a good chunk of my sanity as I too could not fathom him having my son that much.. I see now why women RUN with their babes,, ( don’t ).. because the alternative is too painful.
My saving grace was my son was old enough to speak for himself. He let me ( and the court) know that the g/f his father was currently with ( they change with the wind) HATED HIM. The g/f did not want him around to interfere with her time, and she let him know.
After one too many weekends when my son returned home in tears because of something she had said or done to him,( he could not understand why daddy’s friend hated him SO MUCH… ) then he just did not want to go there any more and I was not going to force him .. When the courts heard his side of the story ( through a councilor)..and she related his tearful refusal to go there on his weekends.. custody was granted to me … with supervised visits for his father , if his father chose so.. He did not…
He has no idea the damage he did to a small child’s feelings.. nor does he care. Be fully prepared to fill both roles.. ( and you will do a great job).
T, you will get through this heartache. You will come out stronger and better. YOU did not deserve this. ( none of us did). Be angry, but let it go eventually or it will eat you up. Unlike Cleo, who has forgiven, I have not, nor do I intend to. I willfully chose to NOT forgive the unforgivable.. But ( big but) I do not let it eat at me either. To me forgiving is like giving belated permission.. but please, if you can and want to forgive go ahead.. do what FEELS right for you.. because right now, YOU and your kiddo are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING .
Try to look at his time with the child as YOUR TIME for yourself.. as suggested above, work more, or as I preferred to do- PLAY MORE.. Go out with friends, or enjoy your ‘down’ time. PLEASE, make sure to listen and watch for signs from your child that all is not well when he is away- write them down.. and don’t hesitate to take action if need be.
I wish you a wonderful journey. We will walk beside you if you like, and help you over the bumps when needed.
As Cleo loves to say- LOVE YOURSELF… the rest will work itself out.
Better times ahead my friend, better times ahead.
Lori
L,
You’re a goddess. Thank you for taking the time to offer your words of support to T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh sweet sweet readers of Cleo’s blog, and Cleo… THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to respond to Cleo’s post in which she posted my email to her. Thank you for your words of advice, your warm hearts and your well wishes. I have so many thoughts swirling and this weekend I promise to come back and comment back to each one of you.
Feeling loved & supported by all of you,
T
T,
I’m giving thanks as well. It’s a beautiful gathering of souls we have here. So grateful.
We are all loved. Big, joyful sigh…
Love yourself,
Cleo
The young lady T is what worries me.50-50custody..irresponsible childish parents riding on lust and anger at being kicked out for cheating out to settle scores also save money on child support.Children below the age of 5 can tire their own mothers,tbey just go on because these children are everything to them..How do ypu expect a 20something mistress who has never been a mother to take care of the children..They are only their for the prize money..This law seems to be made by men to save men..I hope the lady gets a good lawyer and shows his true face as a missing parent..