What fresh hell is this?
This was a recurring question I asked myself after filing for divorce from the man I had loved, devoted my life to, had children with, and who was also a diagnosed narcissist.
Looking back on my own experience, which was a brutal process that left me emotionally and financially battered, there were certain mistakes I made that could easily have been prevented had I known better. To be clear, divorcing a Narcissist is like going to war, and there are certain aspects to it that if you are aware of and wise to can make all the difference as to how you’ll come out on the other side.
Here is the advice that I wish I had had when going through it. Trust me when I say it could save yourself a lot of heartache, headaches, and potentially tens of thousands of dollars since narcissists aren’t just out to win the war, they’re out to annihilate to whatever degree they can.
For all of you preparing for that battle, or in the trenches of it, here are some tips that I would have given myself all those years ago and which would have made all the difference:
Divorcing a Narcissist Is Like Going To War: Here Is Your Battle Strategy
Find a fan-fucking-tastic attorney who is knowledgeable about abusers and personality disorders (warning: many lawyers are narcissists themselves).
Many attorneys are in this for the money and if you don’t have a good one, they will have no problem charging you for their services while the narcissist purposely creates situations that cost you money.
Make sure you and your attorney are both on the same page and never underestimate how a narcissist will lie, cheat, and steal in order to “win” the divorce. The more an attorney understands the below-the-belt tactics of a narcissist, the better she/he can protect you during the process.
Get rid of any and all illusions that your soon-to-be-ex is going to play nice or care about your well-being and best interests during the divorce or after.
This is where women can get into deep trouble while divorcing a narcissist. We want so badly to believe that our ex would never do anything on purpose to hurt us (especially if we are the mother of their children).
Unfortunately, this illusion will cost untold thousands of dollars in attorney fees because narcissists will mask their cruelty within the paperwork and hide their true intentions behind their lawyer (making it seem as if the lawyer was the one at fault).
Narcissists will do absolutely anything necessary to “win,” especially if you are the one who left them. They are punishers, and you can be sure that you’ll be the target of their punishment.
Stop being nice.
Another mistake that women often make in the divorce process is trying to be nice and playing fair. The problem is that while you are a good person and just trying to be considerate for the sake of everyone involved, a narcissist has no emotional attachment to your well-being and thus will have zero problem in taking everything he can from you (they are known to be particularly brutal during a divorce and step up their efforts to smear your name and drag you through the mud).
Though it may be difficult to step outside of your comfort zone and enter the icky world of a narcissist’s playbook, it’s imperative that you take your emotions out of the divorce process itself (the paperwork, the compromising, the wheeling and dealing) and look at it like a business deal, one that your future relies on. What’s “fair” in your eyes is not going to be even close to what a narcissist thinks is fair, because you’re relying on what’s fair to both of you, while a narcissist is only thinking what’s fair to him.
Navigate the divorce process as though your life depends on it…because it does.
One of the (many) mistakes I made when I divorced my ex was not demanding what I deserved regarding our finances. I had been a stay-at-home-and-work mom during much of our marriage (meaning that while raising our three children, I also helped manage our businesses, took care of our personal finances, went back to school for a Master’s degree, taught dance fitness classes, and built my practice as a board-certified holistic health coach) and was at my husband’s beck and call at all times.
The fact was, he could not have achieved any of our success (and likewise my success was dependent on our mutual participation in our joint ventures) without my valuable contribution. But at the time of the divorce, since I was emotionally and physically depleted after years of abuse, I neglected to stand up for my role in our financial success and therefore came out on the losing end (since I also had an attorney who neglected to stand up for my rights as co-contributor in marriage).
This is why it’s crucial to demand to receive what you’re worth and recognize that worth (such as raising your kids or helping build a business) even if you don’t have paycheck stubs to show for all your work. Again, if you concentrate on being fair and nice, you’ll end up with far less than what’s actually fair since a narcissist is anything but nice. This will require you to step up, make demands, and not be run over by the other party, which may be contrary to your very nature, but your future – especially your financial future – depends on every single decision you make during the divorce process. So give yourself one decision less to regret later on.
Don’t let the narcissist wear you down.
This is a tough one because by nature we victims of narcissistic abuse are empaths to our core. We are sensitive and caring beings. We are thoughtful, compassionate, and believe in the essential goodness of others. Add to that our fragile emotional state and vulnerability, and we are no better off than the target of an opportunistic wolf that is successful only through a tactic of relentlessly pursuing and wearing down their prey of choice.
A narcissist will doggedly harass, annoy, bother, and frustrate you in the hope that you’ll throw your hands up in the air and give them what they want. Don’t let them be successful because you will regret it later once you’ve recovered. Stick to your guns and go with your gut. And see it through to the end without sacrificing your integrity and without having to face a world of regret later on.
Never lose sight of your future (and your children’s future if you have them).
The most expensive mistake I made in my divorce, and the mistake that cost me not only tens of thousands of dollars but left me in enormous debt afterward was that I didn’t look into my future and prepare for it.
Honestly, my brain at the time felt like scrambled eggs, plus every time I saw my lawyer’s name pop up in my email or on my phone I got a stomachache that laid me up for the rest of the day, so I was not only easy prey for the wolf to devour, but afterward didn’t have the backup plan to put myself back together.
Especially if you are financially well-off (as I was) in the marriage, plan your future during the divorce as though you were planning your retirement, meaning that it’s crucial to figure out exactly what you’ll come away with after it’s final, where that will put you financially, and what your financial life will look like in the following several years (Will you be buying a new house? Will you move? Will you be able to support yourself? Are you changing jobs? Are you getting back into the workforce after a significant period of time? Are your kids’ education/savings/etc. taken care of? Will you be going to school?)
If you don’t have this foresight for yourself, you’re taking a huge gamble that everything will work out for the best. And if you’re divorcing a narcissist, that’s a gamble you don’t want to take.
I realize this list seems cynical and depressing. But trust me, you don’t want to learn the hard way like I did and which I’m still dealing with the fallout from nearly five years later.
Before I filed for divorce, my then-husband promised over and over again that he would always take care of me and our children for the rest of our lives. He swore that I would always be his family and he would make sure I was set up financially so I’d never had to worry about money again.
These promises of his only set me up for failure because I believed him, so when the shit hit the fan I could do nothing but stand there open-mouthed and dumbfounded when he launched his full-scale attack.
Believing him disarmed me, which was his intent. Had I known the destruction and lies a narcissist was capable of, I am certain I would have fared so much better because I would have at least been prepared.
Instead, this is how I actually fared: Once I filed for divorce, the letters from his attorney started, as did the lies and the cheating and the deliberate attempt to strip me of everything we had worked so hard together to create.
Flash forward to the present and my ex continues to live with his young and imported Russian girlfriend in our 10,000 square foot house that we built together. He continues to profit from the businesses we started as a couple and is reaping the rewards of an income that only increased once he got me out of the picture.
I’m not a religious person, but I’ve seen the devil and what he’s capable of.
There is no line a narcissist won’t cross.
There is no boundary a narcissist won’t breach.
There is nothing so low or unspeakable that a narcissist won’t attempt if it means casting you as the terrible one and him as the victim.
They will use their own children as collateral to get to you. And/or they will discard and/or punish their own children to get to you.
Because of this, it’s imperative that you prepare yourself for this war. You can do this with the right attorney, with the right mindset (no illusions, remember?), and with the understanding that you are facing a brutal enemy who will sweet talk you to your face while smearing your name and cheating you out of what’s yours behind your back.
And a narcissist will sleep well at night having no conscience to keep him awake.
The attorney I made the mistake of using during my divorce once said to me, “There are no winners in a divorce, Suzanna.” This is total bullshit. The divorce process is a game to a narcissist. And in my case, my ex won bigtime because he succeeded in his attempt to lie, cheat, and steal his way out of his obligations and responsibilities to me and our children.
This is why you have to stop playing nice and instead play as if your life depended on it. This doesn’t make you a terrible person. This doesn’t make you the narcissist. What it does is make you stronger, wiser, and better off at the end when you can look back on your divorce experience and know that you handled it like a boss, like the person that the narcissist always knew you were but tried to convince you otherwise.
You will come out of this experience with more than a few bumps and bruises, but at least you won’t be saddled with regret or put into a position of powerlessness that prevents you from diving into that great future waiting for you.
You’ve got this, baby. It will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in life, but one of the best because you are owning your power and taking back control of your life from the one who controlled it for so long. This war, this game, isn’t pretty. It isn’t easy. And it certainly isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. But if you are prepared and go into it with your eyes wide open and your armor on, you’ll have a much better chance of coming out of it with your spirit and soul intact.
And the best part of all? You’ll be finally free to leave the narcissist in your dust as you drive forward into your fantastic future. And that, my love, is the biggest win of all.
Jane says
Spot on sister! You have to accept Mr. Hyde and fight! I wish I’d known this 10 years ago! Get the toughest attorney you can afford.
mary says
good read!
Patricia Craig says
My story too
michele says
This is me at the moment! It is a nightmare divorcing a narcissist. I am all numbers and facts and he comes to meetings with the bs I want to take care of you and the kids – our special needs adult son. Then he refused to negotiate anything, no spousal support, no child support. He wants everything and me nothing; after all he worked I was just our son’s caregiver. Looks like we will need to go before the judge to have him split up the assets and decide support my soon to be ex is so difficult. My lawyer tells me it is all about control for him; he tells me to follow his advice to the letter and when it goes to the judge all the crazies will show. How he has defied every court order, broken the OOP; done everything to be difficult running up massive legal fees for both of us, raiding bank accounts leaving me penniless. He is even now fighting guardianship; he agreed to relinquish co-guardian due to the fact he has never participated as a guardian; then I show up for court and he has hired a lawyer to fight it. I had it in writing from him and he agreed to it in front of both my and his lawyer. His new lawyer says he changed his mind. The judge looked at me and told me you know this is going to get expensive, 10k expensive! Money I do not have. I am at total wits end. We need more people like you putting this info out there. I have a great attorney and have been told take control and don’t let emotions get in the way! He knows exactly what I am up against and reminds me my husband can’t handle losing control of me. Scared to death of what he might do but pushing through it either way!
Micheke says
I have a ‘bulldog’ at 1st I didn’t understand why he told me to do certain things; now I completely understand. I was told by everyone everywhere that I have the best but started 2nd guessing myself. Now that it is coming to push/shove I totally understand why I had to be perfect in following all the orders even though my other half didn’t follow a single one; why I had to always be the agreeable (when it is reasonable) when he wasn’t. Now he has all the amo to use against him documented in court documents not just my word against his. I used to laugh at how the court orders were phrased but now I look at them and completely understand. I still have a long way to go but so much now makes sense.
Madame T says
Finally I read a very little bit aggressive and realist article about narcissist men (please excuse my pleonasm).
In this battle, after you wake up, of course, the only one rule is: copy him in everything, become yourself narcissist. Scare him with your verbal aggresivity, gaslight him, use literally same words that he used to abuse you in years, make fun of him, be very ironical, be unpredictable, you got the point. Hard to survive and take care of your kids if you are nice in this changing world. Stop thinking “Oh, I just can’t, I’m a empathetic person bla-bla.” Change yourself. Instead of crying and be so nice, try use your brain, not your feelings, if you want to survive and raise strong kids. Wake up, women and use your own brain, not stay, cry and wait to be killed or burned alive along with your own kids, as it happened recently in Australia with that family.
Laura says
I am going through this now
There are days. many, that I wish I wouldn’t wake up. I really could use any advice.
Karen Simon Neiman says
Great article and oh- so-true!!! I was too nice and totally intimidated!! I am now suffering the aftermath!!
Roger P Kwiatek says
You should have dumped his ass decades ago.
He lied to you and cheated on you for a very long time.
He’s a horrible person who deserves whatever he gets in life.
I have first-hand knowledge.
Consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.
Too bad he is stuck with a house he built in Albuquerque that he now can’t get rid of.
What a piece of work he is.
I hope that $3,000,000. settlement gave you some satisfaction.
Taslima Marriage Media says
A narcissist partner is always painful and tough to be with. So when it comes to divorce, it becomes harder. So great blog as all the lessons came from real life experience. So nice one.
Michael Davis says
Thank you so much . I’m currently experiencing this and I’m very grateful to have stumbled on to your story . I will be having a very different conversation with my attorney. My soon to be ex wife has been behaving exactly like your husband . Thanks md
Pam says
I came across this article today and read it, so glad I did! I lived this life 15 years ago and survived! There was no diagnosis of a “Narcissist” years ago when I went through this. My Ex is definitely a narcissist in every sense of the definition. It was a war, and I won! I made mistakes, but I survived those as well. I would whole-heartedly agree with getting a great attorney that understands the situation. I had one, she’s now a judge! I walked away from so much out of pure fear of what he would do as a caged tiger and I was beat down to a pulp by the time I left. I never walked away from my children and I’m so glad that I never shielded them from the reality of what was happening. I picked myself up and moved on. I did remarry, we put my kids through college, provided for them as best we could, and now they have great careers and are both happily married adults. My ex has not spoken to our daughter in over 10 years. My husband adopted her as she wished when she was 18 and an adult and she’s never looked back! You can definitely come out of this war stronger and a better person. My ex? he married a woman he met online and she lost custody of her 2 kids soon after. He’s had one medical issue after another. Karma, God, whatever you want to consider, took care of what he had coming to him. I never lowered myself to that level and I am so glad I didn’t. Thanks for writing this, I’ve always wanted to turn my journal that I wrote prior to my divorce into a book…maybe it could help someone else. I just selfishly didn’t want to relive that hell!
Kimberley Anne says
It felt helpful to read these stories. I have lived all of these stories and more. My break up also included the Police, and child services. My ex. always made me seem like a nut by sweet talking all these service providers who could not see through all the BS. My advice to people on dealing with these harmful people is to ask yourself if your ex. is trying to destroy you. If the answer is Yes, prepare for the worst. While you are trying to be a reasonable good person, they are plotting and scheming how to ruin every part of your life. Be prepared for them to use your kids as a weapon. They have no love or decency even towards their own kids. Do not think that they won’t destroy your kids, because they will. They do not care about you, and the kids are just collateral damage. I am close to 5 years into this and my conclusion is that my ex. prefers drama, chaos, and stress to peace and happiness.
HeartbrokenSoonToBeXDirectorsWife says
Thank you for sharing this post. It is the voices of others like this article that sometimes helps us, that are in the dark isolsated in silence realize that this happens more often than it should, that we are not alone in this terrifiying, destructive and choatic mess crafted by devious, soulless, awful people. It does not make it okay, but it sheds some light and some hope that there will be an end to the relationship that may allow for a life worth living, celebrating, and maybe one day we can be happy with a career, education, life again. These deceitful people belong in jail for breaking so many laws, obstructing justice, wasting every resource, harming others in so many ways… maybe one day there will be a real law to barr predators from creating victims and destroying innocent lives. Until then… victims have to endure the harm and destruction this senseless mess creates
🙁