I see the signs now two years after my ex-husband ended our marriage. I caught him having an affair with a coworker. I was pissed, cried my eyes out, and asked myself a thousand times “Why?” I finally sought out therapy. When my therapist had me describe the man I married, he said he is a classic narcissist. He sucked me in from the beginning with things he said and the way he acted. He would make a great salesman.
Much of what I knew about narcissists is they love themselves. He would say to me, “My body is horrible, you are so better looking than I am, no one ever hits on me when we are out.” It was just never ending. I am a part-time print model, but I do that more for myself than to gain attention. Most men would be proud to have a beautiful woman by their side. My husband obviously felt our marriage was more of a competition on who looked better between us. I loved him no matter how he looked.
He never offered a hug when I was down. He left me to cry and never asked why I was crying. Yet when he was acting strange I would get lectured because I should have known what was wrong with him; after all, we had been together long enough. I was supposed to be able to read his mind!
We went seven months without talking and just recently talked. He never once asked about my kids or the grandkids. You would think he would at least ask. Another sign of narcissism is having no emotion and no feelings.
I found a powerpoint when we split. He mentioned in it things he wanted in his life. I am not even sure when he put it together. He wanted to have a lot of money even though he has a great job and makes a lot of money. As soon as we split he charged up two of the credit cards we had together to the maximum credit limits, yet he blamed me for our financial debt. Both cards were maxed at over $8000. He drives a company truck, has his gas paid for and also has a company cell phone. There was no reason to charge those cards.
Also in the powerpoint, he had a picture of the woman of his dreams. She looked like a model and was blonde. I am not saying I was the perfect trophy wife but considering the woman he cheated on me with (5’2 and 200 lbs), she was not the woman of his dreams.
He wanted the best of everything but when it all came down to it he couldn’t handle what he thought was competition. He hated the way men would look at me or talk to me. People would say he looked older than me when in fact, he was two years younger. Many believe the reason he settled on his other woman is no one would find her pretty or competition to him. He could feel good about himself next to her!
We had five children between us. When we met they ranged between 4 to 15 years old. His youngest son was seven with a temper from hell. I found him choking my youngest daughter who was four. His oldest son after two years together was stealing things from our home. Mind you, my girls were not angels but their issues were more mood swings and temper tantrums.
When I brought up anything about his kids, he immediately went on the defensive and I was the wicked step-mother from hell who had nothing nice to say. He could say whatever he wanted negative about my kids. If he was correct I told him so. The only time he said one thing negative about his kids was when his son went to jail for stealing from a company and he told me he would not blame me for leaving him. It’s classic narcissist to play on the guilt and make me feel bad because, of course, he knew I wouldn’t leave.
The reasons he gave me for why we split were things such as how I looked, my kids and more hurtful things he could think of. He left me for a short, chubby girl who was married with a kid who worked for him, yet I had “lost my looks.”
He always had a saying: “He who makes the first move loses.” I held out; he would be the one contacting me while we were split. He would tell me he missed me, I looked great, he loved the pictures of me and to send him pics. Then he would always say mid conversation, “Sorry to bother you.”
All the things he said he hated when we split, now he loved not even two months later? All the while he was kissing my ass, he was still sleeping with her. I saw the texts between them; her husband was able to get them off her phone. He was feeding her the same bullshit he fed me when we first met. Which is typical narcissism…take the same moves into the next relationship.
He wants positive feedback yet when you give it to him he acts all out of sorts. He built these beautiful model homes for his company; I told him he should be proud. He gave me this 10-minute talk about how I didn’t understand how stressful this was going to be to manage and he was resigning once they were done. They have been done now since March and yet he is still there.
Now he tells me he is moving. I will believe it when I see it. He is probably waiting for me to say “don’t go.” He won’t go anywhere, he hates change and he is the most unsociable person I know.
He has a pattern of cheating. He did it to his first wife and now me — twice. The first time for us was in 2003 with a woman at his company and then left that company. I found a journal he had written about himself. He cheated on everyone he has been with. The women he cheats with all seem to be married. It’s his pattern and these women will probably catch on much sooner than I did.
It could have been a mid-life crisis. I will probably never know, but I can say I am much happier without him.
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